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Are Marriges Really This Way?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 600389" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I totally get the power aspect to abuse. It was the final piece of the puzzle that led to me cutting my bro out of my and my family's lives. I saw how he fully believed he had the absolute power to say and do what he wanted and we had zero power to not listen, not do what he wanted, and/or get away from him. It took way too long for me to get to that point, but once I did I have been as stubborn about it as he is about feeling he owns that power over me and those he considers 'mine'. He only sees me as his sister and an extension of himself that is totally at his mercy, and he sees no one else that way that I know of. </p><p></p><p></p><p>IC, I do think what you and your husband does is NOT what I am talking about. I do know couples who are involved in martial arts, wrestling of various types etc... and they do end up with bruises from each other both from practicing together and from using those skills/tactics to settle arguments but in a way that is balanced, meaning that the stronger one goes easy and does not just overpower the other one. I think that is different than what I am asking about. I am asking about an outright determination to make your loved one do or see something your way by forcing them and by hurting them. That is what I find strange and scary.</p><p></p><p>Dixie, mental illness can strike anyone at any time and it is NOT the same. Your husband is dealing with things caused by factors outside of himself that caused trauma and NOT because he simply wants to force you to do something. In the moment it may be a power thing, but in the big picture it is totally different. As long as he is willing to get help and work on it and make some progress, and you do not live in fear and the kids don't either, then I would say it is not in his control. I hope you have resources available to help in the moment if he gets overwhelmed so that you don't have to make a choice that it is too dangerous to stay because it is clear that you love him. While I don't think everyone is strong enough to stay as this gets worked through, I do think it is admirable that you are willing to work through this with him. I would not presume to judge you or him, and I do think that things done out of illness are different. in my opinion mental illness is like eye care and dental care - it is all medical and the separations are due to politics and financial issues and NOT due to any difference that is real as these are all problems that happen to the body. The brain is part of the body or we wouldn't have neurologist and in my opinion tdocs/psychiatrists should be health care and not behavioral health care because it is all health care except for the bean counters. I have a huge issue with the way we count eye, dental and mental health as different because it puts roadblocks in the way to getting a comprehensively healthy person. </p><p></p><p>I do think she is in a bad and dangerous situation, but until she sees this it won't get better. I do think that some families can heal from DV issues if all parties get help. It is so stigmatized that there are problems, but I know I am impressed with our county DV services in a huge way. When I worked with them after Wiz left our home they were open about not having another person getting help for the same reason but also that they were seeing a huge increase in the need for help for parents of violent kids. They worked with me and still ask me questions now and then about what I think would help if things were that bad for us again. They started to figure out a protocol and steps to help other parents based on what I found helpful and logical and they kept a file of the things so that they could help other parents and siblings. I know they now have at least a few families in that situation at all times, which is sad and positive at the same time. I am thankful they were willing to help me because not all DV centers are, and that they were wiling to open their eyes to the situation of violent kids in families with nonviolent parents. </p><p></p><p>I am glad that I am more 'on target" than my friends led me to believe. I am thankful I am not in a violent relationship, and I hope my friends will find help so that they can work to end that facet of their lives however they need to. I</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 600389, member: 1233"] I totally get the power aspect to abuse. It was the final piece of the puzzle that led to me cutting my bro out of my and my family's lives. I saw how he fully believed he had the absolute power to say and do what he wanted and we had zero power to not listen, not do what he wanted, and/or get away from him. It took way too long for me to get to that point, but once I did I have been as stubborn about it as he is about feeling he owns that power over me and those he considers 'mine'. He only sees me as his sister and an extension of himself that is totally at his mercy, and he sees no one else that way that I know of. IC, I do think what you and your husband does is NOT what I am talking about. I do know couples who are involved in martial arts, wrestling of various types etc... and they do end up with bruises from each other both from practicing together and from using those skills/tactics to settle arguments but in a way that is balanced, meaning that the stronger one goes easy and does not just overpower the other one. I think that is different than what I am asking about. I am asking about an outright determination to make your loved one do or see something your way by forcing them and by hurting them. That is what I find strange and scary. Dixie, mental illness can strike anyone at any time and it is NOT the same. Your husband is dealing with things caused by factors outside of himself that caused trauma and NOT because he simply wants to force you to do something. In the moment it may be a power thing, but in the big picture it is totally different. As long as he is willing to get help and work on it and make some progress, and you do not live in fear and the kids don't either, then I would say it is not in his control. I hope you have resources available to help in the moment if he gets overwhelmed so that you don't have to make a choice that it is too dangerous to stay because it is clear that you love him. While I don't think everyone is strong enough to stay as this gets worked through, I do think it is admirable that you are willing to work through this with him. I would not presume to judge you or him, and I do think that things done out of illness are different. in my opinion mental illness is like eye care and dental care - it is all medical and the separations are due to politics and financial issues and NOT due to any difference that is real as these are all problems that happen to the body. The brain is part of the body or we wouldn't have neurologist and in my opinion tdocs/psychiatrists should be health care and not behavioral health care because it is all health care except for the bean counters. I have a huge issue with the way we count eye, dental and mental health as different because it puts roadblocks in the way to getting a comprehensively healthy person. I do think she is in a bad and dangerous situation, but until she sees this it won't get better. I do think that some families can heal from DV issues if all parties get help. It is so stigmatized that there are problems, but I know I am impressed with our county DV services in a huge way. When I worked with them after Wiz left our home they were open about not having another person getting help for the same reason but also that they were seeing a huge increase in the need for help for parents of violent kids. They worked with me and still ask me questions now and then about what I think would help if things were that bad for us again. They started to figure out a protocol and steps to help other parents based on what I found helpful and logical and they kept a file of the things so that they could help other parents and siblings. I know they now have at least a few families in that situation at all times, which is sad and positive at the same time. I am thankful they were willing to help me because not all DV centers are, and that they were wiling to open their eyes to the situation of violent kids in families with nonviolent parents. I am glad that I am more 'on target" than my friends led me to believe. I am thankful I am not in a violent relationship, and I hope my friends will find help so that they can work to end that facet of their lives however they need to. I [/QUOTE]
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