are there things people say that make you nuts?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by amy4129, Feb 1, 2007.

  1. amy4129

    amy4129 New Member

    I was out with the boys and a lady came up to me and said "you must be a special lady for God to give you kids like that." Of course they were at a certain level of gfgness.
    But honestly that kinda of statement makes me crazy...I just never know what to say. Any ideas or what have you done in the past?
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Amy, you should have said yes they certainly are gifts from God.

  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    It's very hard to accept compliments, especially when in the midst of stopping your children from killing each other or overturning shelves in the supermarket.

    My usual response - "either I'm very special now, or I was very evil in a former life."

    Or a favourite line from Wizard of Id - Turnkey is reading a newspaper and calls out to Spook (who spends his existence trying to break out of the prison), "Hey, it says here that great spirituality is achieved through great suffering."
    Spook's response, "Hey, that's great! Any moment now, I should ascend right out of here!"

    The ultimate line (stolen from THAT French ad) is, "I look at my kids and realise what a great ad they are for contraception."

    Hmm, gift from God or Spawn of Satan - it really depends on how we're handling the day.

  4. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I still get comments from some members of my family.........difficult child just needs a good :censored2: whipping or you're being too easy on him/too hard on him........because of course they all know what they are talking about and I don't. Or else the people who, knowing full well that difficult child is on medications, say that docs just prescribe medications to "control" the kids. Uh... helloooo.......does he LOOK like he's "controlled" or zombiefied or whatever evil you think it is that medications do??? Then there are the people who think that EVERYTHING can be cured by vitamins. I'm not talking about the alternative treatments that do work with SOME people, but the supposed cures that should work on EVERYONE and EVERYTHING because it's just a dietary need and not an actual illness. That just makes me soooooo /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gif
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    - "either I'm very special now, or I was very evil in a former life."

    Marguerite, LOL!

    I've had people tell me how beautifully behaved my kids are, much to my amazement. I usually say, "Thank you. They are for now. Give them 10 min."

    Mostly, I used to get comments on my difficult child because he's mixed race and I'm Caucasian. I had one person say in re: to his adoption, "Are you going to tell him?"
    Normally, I patiently explain that we've got an open adoption, but that time I lost it and blurted out, "No, we're going to cover up all the mirrors with-newspaper and he'll never figure out that he doesn't look like us."

    Now that he's 10, I can turn directly to him and ask him. (One person stood there slack jawed, it was hilarious.) "Chris, should we tell you you're adopted? You know that part about landing on the front lawn in a spaceship with-the letter S embroidered on your shirt?"

    A kid at school one fall, as we were standing in line to buy books, commented on how dark his tan was. "Wow, for a minute there I thought you were adopted!" he said.
    We cracked up and said, "He IS!"
    The kid was shocked and acted like it was something terrible, until we pointed out that it's an open adoption and he gets twice as many presents for his birthday. Then the kid was jealous.
    I'm still trying to figure out how a 1st grader got that crummy attitude at such a young age.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think the things that made me the most nuts were the people who made snide remarks about medicating kids. Then we had the lady who argued with us about Jamie being a girl because he had long hair. She was adamant that he was a she out there playing second base! We were just as staunch in our stand that he was our son and told her quite pointedly that we were sure because we had changed his

    One thing that really irritates me on a personal level is when someone asks me if I have taken my medications just because I have an honest to goodness emotion! ...argh.
  7. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    People have shared their thoughts with us - on a regular basis. Anything from "what the heck were you thinking?" to "that child needs a good spanking" to "you two are such saints to take in such troubled children".

    None of it sits well with me - husband just cringes; he absolutely hates comments of this sort.

    My response is "thank you for sharing your feelings". :hammer:

    I've learned that line works in any situation - just change your tone & facial expression. :rofl:
  8. On_Call

    On_Call New Member

    I hate the line "I don't know how you handle it all" from a staff member or well-intended acquaintance during or after a difficult situation/meltdown. I usually just attempt to smile and change the subject.

    What I'd like to say is "What else would I do??? What would you do???"

    I suppose they are wondering how it is that we haven't cracked under the pressure, but when it is a constant pressure, you somehow learn to adjust and deal.

    When I explained recently to difficult child's new psychiatrist that even though we are still having meltdowns and issues with difficult child, this is really his most stable period we've ever had, she just looked at me with "shock and awe" written all over her face. When I went on to tell her (when she asked what we do during a particularly chaotic time frame) that we adjust as a family to difficult child's gfgness, she just sat there. Then, I cried, if you can believe it. Actually saying out loud that we just alter our plans, behind the scenes - and have done so for probably 10 years, was overwhelming - even for me.

    I repeat a mantra to difficult child - Stop and Think Before You Act or Speak. If only everyone did that, right??
  9. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I have one family member who tells me she doesn't know how I do it. (handle difficult child and all of his issues). When she says it I don't mind and we both laugh because I think the same of her. I don't know how SHE does it as she has six boys ranging in age from 19 down to around 4 (Yep, they are all biological and she's mid-late 40's) None of them have any diagnosis's of any kind but I still can't imagine having six kids let alone all boys! lol
  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I have a sister in-law that used to urk me to no end when my difficult child was smaller and she thought her kids were so perfect. She used to treat my son like dirt and make comments constantly and I never knew how to stand up to her and every Sunday night we would go to my mother in-laws for dinner and I would come hom with knots in my stomach and really really upset. Her perfect daughter graduated top of her class in highschool, got a full scholarship to college, then quit because she is bulemic and anorexic. Not that I am glad for one minute that her daughter is dealing with this, but I'm just trying to tell you that like they say, what goes around comes around. I took me many years to learn to ignore her comments and to really truley not care what she thought, and it took her years to discover that her own children weren't perfect or any better then anyone elses.
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Oh marg, "either I'm very special now, or I was very evil in a former life." LOL-

    I have people comment to me all the time that they don't know how I do it! I always ask, "What's the alternative? And, what would you do that I'm not?" It's just a stupid question...and I have one friend in particular who has 5 kids ranging in ages 21 down to 12 so I really wonder how SHE does it! Eiyee!

    And I have a sister who is always telling me what I'm doing wrong, what I need to change, etc. Meanwhile, her kids are totally alcoholics and potheads and because they have money, they have the attitude of entitlement and snobbery, which really drives me nuts.

    Ah, well, I guess the best response is NO response. Just smile and change the subject.
  12. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Amy, it really makes me angry, too. I know they think they are paying a compliment but it really seems to say to me, that I have some super power to handle my child.
    I'm just a normal person with a difficult situation. I think we choose to rise to the occasion or sit with our heads in our hands saying "whoa is me? how could this happen to me?" I refuse to be that person. This is the slice of life I was handed and I will work to be the best at raising my kids that I can.
    Don't put sainthood on me because that makes it seem easy. You do right by your kids, Amy and it isn't because you are special. You are simply a good parent. Maybe it makes others feel uncomfortable that they aren't quite as giving. Who knows what makes people say such stupid things.

    One of my other favorite comments is "my son has symptoms but he isn't nearly as bad as yours" This always leaves me with my chin on the floor. What a horrid thing to say to someone as a compliment.
  13. houseofcards

    houseofcards New Member

    My most annoying comment was from a psychologist. On the way to her office, which always upset my difficult child, he was especially irritable and trying to start trouble with my twins, he was banging into the seats, thumping on the door, and picking fights. I told them all to stop talking and look out the window and try to count birds. I relayed this conversation to the t-doctor who then told me I didn't take advantage of a teachable moment. Otherwise people don't say much in front of me...behind my back one can only wonder.
  14. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    mstngchick- remind those people that diabetics have insulin to control their kids blood sugar and asthmatic kids have inhalers to control their asthma, and your kids have medications to control their symptoms, too.
    Marg-I loved your post.
    Mmmm what makes me nuts? - I hate when ppl tell me there are medication for that. Ug, yes I know and between husband, oldest difficult child dtr, son and me we have trialed almost every single one in many diff combinations over the last 18 years, thank you. Or- There are laws the school has to follow for kids like that- Uh yeah, I know, been thru the whole due process thing already- but someone forgot to tell my school they have to follow the laws, including our due process hearing officer.
    You are so strong. Yeah whatever- I have been lifting the cow since it was a calf---my muscles grew right along with it, it does not make it any easier or more pleasant. I do not want to be so strong....
    How do you do it? Um, how do I NOT do it, tell me and maybe I will try it?
    Aw it can't be that bad......hmmm..compared to what?
    My mom, may she rest in peice said once- don't label her bipolar, cuz then she will live up to it. Hmmm.
    My minister brother said to me once, you need to pray, you obviously do not have strong enough faith,- ask and ye shall recieve" and that is your "reward" HUH? Oh, cool, then your diabetes must be a testament to YOUR faith?
    ANd my brothers twin sister, before she had kids said.....Who's the parent here? re: my sons long hair at age 2. (I did not want to cut it yet, she thought I was nuts) Same sister who now has a 6 yr old who runs the house and a 4 yr old who never wears clothes cuz she does not like them. (side note, my sons hair got washed daily, was always combed and it was cute, and yes we did cut it when he turned 3....- broke my heart, LOL- and he now prefers crew cuts-LOL.....and while people commented on my cute girl, I always wondered what planet they came from cuz my long haired BOY always wore denim overalls, red/black flannel shirts, little contruction boots etc type clothes.. and he always had at least 3 hot wheels cars in his lil hands -he definetly looked very "boy")
    -------- and his sisters had hair to their bottom........
  15. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    The ones that make me nuts are the comments blaming it all entirely on parenting, and I've had 2 principals hint at this without saying directly it's all your fault. I admit changes in how we parent our difficult child has helped, but no matter how we parent ain't gonna stop him being Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD).

    Terry - your newspaper answer cracked me up. I love giving ridiculous answers to stupid questions.
  16. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Karen, I really feel sorry for your poor niece. You only had to put up with sister in law for Sunday dinner; the girl would have had her mother constantly on at her to maintain her high standards, all her life. No wonder she's ended up a mess.

    What cheeses me off? Yes, the people who say things like, "Aren't you appalled at all those people who drug their kids?" The last person to say that to me is married to a pharmacist. He was once reliving for our lovely local bloke and actually told me, as i was collecting the stimulant medications, that my kids shouldn't be taking such rubbish, I should have them on Product x instead (which he happened to sell, privately and, as it turned out, illegally according to our laws).
    I wrote a formal complaint. I'm a [female dog] (just getting in before the site censor).

    The other thing currently cheesing me off - my house help friend who told me last Wednesday that allowing my (adult) daughter to watch "Charmed" was allowing Satan to enter our house and was very dangerous spiritually, and that most church ministers would brand me a heretic. I'm still smokin' over that one. But thanks to wonderful Allen-Matlem and his online religious test, I have printed out the results for the group I most correspond to an I'm going to give a copy to my housekeeper next week. I can accept that he has very strong views, but so do I. Just because I do not believe exactly the same things he does is NO indicator that I'm "beyond the pale" (in the original, strict sense of the term - it's also where we get 'paling fence' from).
    Flamin' idiot!
    by the way, this is not intended to begin a flame war on the topic of "I believe this" vs "I believe that" - my irritation is coming from the damage we do when we allow personal exclusivity to blind us to proper, useful, open communication. He has achieved nothing in what he said to me, except to make me angry and LESS likely to ever listen to him again on any subject. The topic is "what irritates me" and the blind enforcing of someone else's opinion where it's clearly unwelcome is the issue for me here. He could have been telling me I should not sunbake or I will get skin cancer - if he had delivered THAT message as forcefully I would have been just as angry.

    And yes, I do get angry. I'm told that when my eyes change colour it's time to head for the hills.

  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yikes! These posts are curling my hair!!!!
  18. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    What really irks me and this just happened today, my husband's Aunt wrote and asked how we were... So I wrote back and filled her in on all the details... I am always honest!!! Let her know easy child is getting worse, all about the medications etc... The good and the bad. She is usually pretty thankful about being updated, her reply was, " well I think you guy's are doing what you should and just remember all kids have issues".

    I don't know why that bothers me SO much, but I guess it feels like she is demeaning my childs real issues, and placing them into a easy child world... I have found people say stuff like that alot. "Oh all kids have issues", almost like I should just suck it up and deal with it!!! I think that is how it makes me feel, like well every child has issues so what are you complaining about, so trivial. I felt like writing back that I would gladly take a "normal" kids "issues" any day over things like my daughter wanting to die constantly...
    But I didn't....
  19. jamrobmic

    jamrobmic New Member

    I try to be tolerant of people who honestly care and are trying to be supportive, but don't really have a clue what it's like to deal with a difficult child. It's the people who should know better who really make me want to tear out my hair. A therapist, who did not believe difficult child was really bipolar (she had never met him, but somehow she KNEW he had no mental health issues) asked me if she met difficult child would she be able to tell there was anything wrong with him. Apparently the mentally ill are marked in some way I'm not aware of.

    Then there are those smug parents who claim THEIR kid KNOWS BETTER than to do whatever difficult child has done. I'm not sure if they're implying their kids are afraid of them, or if they think I never taught difficult child that what he was doing was wrong. Why couldn't they have told me the secret sooner? All I had to do was teach difficult child right from wrong. Who knew it could have been that easy? Those parents could have saved us a lot of time, trouble, money, heartache, etc.
  20. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    It's important to remember that a lot of the trite comments about our kids is often coming from a position of fear and denial. the family members who love us the most are often the last ones to accept that we might really be suffering here. They'd rather believe that we're just being melodramatic, than accept that there really could be a big problem and they SHOULD feel bad for us. What good does feeling bad for us do for them?

    And the families who insist "My little Johnny would never do anything like that!" are speaking partly out of fear that they MIGHT have had a problem with little Johnny (and thank goodness they don't) and yes, out of a certain smug "there but for the grace of God go I".
    They also are in denial.

    The annoying thing about people in denial - they DO change their minds but when they do, they never, ever held a different opinion. So you can't even say, "I told you so!" because their response will be, "Of course you did - right after I told you first. I've always known that little Brenda has X, Y and Z."

    That's when I'm most tempted to tell them to go take a long walk off a short pier.