are these typical "set offs"?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by sweetiegirlz, Oct 15, 2007.

  1. sweetiegirlz

    sweetiegirlz New Member

    Haven't posted in a little while. Been working nights and it's hard. difficult child was cooperative until the "new" wore off of the situation.

    Her set offs lately:

    having asked her to clean....anything. "It's YOUR house mom!"

    doing her homework. If I don't do the answers for her it's yell and screaming time!

    anything cutting short time with her "friends"
  2. Debdeb1031

    Debdeb1031 New Member

    It can make a person least in my home life...anything can be a set off for Chris...same type of things tho....but not everytime...sometimes i will ask him to do his homework ( mom TOLD me to do homework) and he will smile sweetly and sit down and do the neatest and "smartest" work...other times it is a usually begins with him saying "in a minute" which turns into 5 min. 10 min. etc etc....and him being sloppy and not doing the correct work (which i know he can do) much whenever the little PIA doesn't get his way is what sets him off
  3. guest3

    guest3 Guest

    yes yes and yes and may I add....telling him to shower or brush his teeth, telling him he can't have a snack 2 minutes b4 dinner, telling him he can not have something at a store........... the fun never ends..........
  4. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'll make a suggestion. Now, I have to say that since all our difficult children are different it may not help. But, what really helped my son was a schedule. Back in second grade we worked really hard to get him on an after school and bedtime routine. It really helped. It took awhile for him to get the hang of it or stop playing, watching tv, gaming, etc., to do his homework - but after awhile, he just settled into the routine.

    Now that he is in 6th grade, it's the same routine. A structured homework hour that starts at the same time every day. I review the homework first. If it's something that he can work on by himself, he does so. If it's something he needs help with we sit together. Same thing for the bedtime routine, if it's not a bath night, he knows he's expected to get his pjs on, put his clothes in the laundry, brush his teeth and use the toilet. Then, we will read and talk together which he really likes. If he wants that, he has to do his part.

    On Friday and Saturday nights, he's "free".

    I'm not saying that this is the be all end all for ending the anger. But I'm telling you that it has gone a long way in our house in providing a more stable and predictable outcome.

    I had to work really hard on consistancy, but it was worth it.

  5. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    Unfortunately, what you just described, in my humble opinion, are perfect examples of difficult child "set offs". My difficult children will have total "melt-downs" if they are asked to do anything at all that they do not want to do. It doesn't matter how reasonable the request is or how little time the request will actually take to carry out.

    My difficult children, especially difficult child 1, actually enjoy the conflict that arises when asked to do something that they don't want to do. (difficult child 2 also uses tantrums to try to escape from having to do what is asked of him.) I've found that by telling them in a neutral voice that they have to do something using as few words as possible, then stating the consequences if they don't do what is requested, and walking away, is the easiest way for me to handle this. I give them a few minutes to process the information and then do what is requested of them. If they don't comply, I carry out the consequences using as few words as possible no matter how much they yell and scream. Of course, sometimes following through with the consequences is absolute HE77!!!

    In our house, to try to avoid the HE77 that follows when consequences have to be carried out, my difficult children have laminated charts explaining what chores/activities they have to do on a daily basis. This same paper also explains the consequences for not doing what is expected of them. It also states that other chores/activities not mentioned on the chart must also be completed when asked, and also gives the consequences for not doing something that is asked but not on the chart. I'm getting tired just explaining this!!! It is HARD WORK raising difficult children!!!

    Anyway, this method seems to work the best in our household. However, it really is time consuming having to type up all of the chores/activities that have to be done making sure that there aren't any loopholes for the difficult children to use to their advantage. I HATE LIVING WITH difficult children!!! :grrr: Their feelings of entitlement are one of the things that gets to me the most!!! :grrr:

    I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time with your difficult child. My best advice is to try and always use a neutral voice when speaking to her. Don't let her engage you in any sort of argument. Make your answers as short as possible. And, when necessary walk away from her.

    I hope this helps a bit!!! I wish I had something more positive to say. WFEN
  6. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    Sounds like my difficult child. If I ask her to help with housework she says, "What do you think I am? A slave?" :grrr:

    Homework usually isn't that bad anymore but cutting time with friends short is always time for a meltdown.

    If she has been playing with friends and I remind her a few times starting at 30 min before it is time for them to go home, it helps with the transition.
    Then again at 15 and 5 min.

  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Is the word NO on that list? LOL.

    Even with a grown difficult child I can tell you that certain things trigger defiance, if not total meltdowns.

    Wanting Cory to do something he doesnt want to matter what that might be, or who might be wanting him to do an automatic kick in of his oppositionality.

    If I ask him to wash dishes..."No, I will do them later." Later never comes.

    Girlfriend asks him to go get her backpack from the car. arent gonna tell me what to do!

    Seatbelt laws say you must wear a seatbelt or get a ticket...he will be double danged if he will conform simply because NO ONE shall tell him what to do! (his whole loss of license and run down that path happened because he got a seatbelt ticket and refused to pay it!)

    Need I go on? LOL.

    Rules irritate him.
  8. sweetiegirlz

    sweetiegirlz New Member

    thanks guys, every thing does help believe me, no matter how little. It's exasperating how much energy it takes to sort it all out in my brain. I can't always react the right way if I am stressed too.

    she does so good for days... and then BAM hits me with her best shot. lol.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    "Yes," I tell my son when he asks, "What do you think I am, a slave?"
    And in response to cleaning YOUR house, I say, "If it's my house, I make the rules."

    Anything that requires a difficult child to take responsibility is a trigger.

  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    These are typical triggers. Here, there are logical consequences for things. Jess is to clean the kitchen. Her job. I help with pots, etc when I can. husband will load and run the dishwasher at night. She is supposed to unload it and load what will fit duringthe day. And wash anything that won't go in.

    Right now she has a free pass because her arm is a mess. She is in a sling and on pain medications. So we are doing dishes. As she gets better she will be shown a clean kitchen. Anything not done is to be done before she gets dinner. Period. We don't withhold food, she just has to do her chores or she has no clean dish to eat on. With difficult child this would not work. But she seems to "get it" and after a day or so she complies.

    thank you melts down a lot if he is overwhelmed with noise or other sensory things. I have to break his chores into little bits. It also helps that after school he gets 30 minutes of reading or homework (2nd grade, so only 30 mins) after he has 30 mins for snack, TV, gamecube or whatever. He sets the timer for each 30 mins and is really good at following it. Sometimes, if school has been really hard for him, I add 30 mins of sensory stuff (whatever he seems to need - running, cuddling, whatever) starting with brushing.

    I do find that ALL my kids are calmer with brushing. Jess and difficult child do not have Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) as a diagnosis, but respond well to brushing.

    As for thank you, he has a teacher who makes them sit on the wall at school if they are too wiggly in class. She makes no sense to me, and we will be chatting at parent teacher conference because this just isn't working. We may switch classes if she doesn't improve. She has been teaching a long time, and is using methods that just are not working. She is good at some things, but needs some continueing ed.

    I find the 'slave" comment gets "Yes, you are. Does that make you feel better?" and, "My mother only had me to spcakle the low spots and wash the baseboards." I jsut leave it at that.