Are we being unreasonable parents?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by jude-in-nj, Aug 31, 2016.

  1. jude-in-nj

    jude-in-nj Member

    It's crazy how we start to question our parenting skills....but we do.
    I have not posted here in a long time, my son came home from jail in June. He served 10 months for a VOP. His history is domestic violence against his girlfriend ..and she against him..I notice a change in his behavior, he is able to listen to his dad and I and respond calmly without flying off the handle.
    He has not been great though since coming home...has already received a summons for court (which violates his probation and he could very well land back in jail for 5-10 years) for fighting a guy his girlfriend was seeing while he was away.
    He has not sought out anger management counseling which was court ordered..and has done numerous other find things. Got his truck stuck out in the woods last night. We had to pull him out..truck was dead..flooded with water...he's tried to sneak his girlfriend in our house who is forbidden from being there yes,the same girlfriend that he has charges of violence against. They are not supposed to be together.

    Here is my question ...and as I'm writing it I already realize how stupid I sound because I know the answer!
    Would a professional counselor tell us we need to give him a chance and let the girlfriend at our house?
    I know anyone I talk to about that ,who's never been in our shoes,would be quick to say.."absolutely not,do not let her at your house.".....and that has been our thinking all along...but now I am questioning that..should we let him try to prove himself with her by allowing her at our house? My head says no, we don't owe him anything.
    It has been hell since he's been home, I feel guilty saying this but almost think it will be a relief for us if he goes back to jail.
    Thanks for letting me vent truly is the only place I can go where I feel it's not my fault,I'm not a horrible parent..and I get genuine advice from people who have been in my shoes.

    I am seriously on the verge of losing it...couldn't even attend my sons high school orientation in peace this morning between the calls I was getting from my son and trying to get his car out of impoundment (they towed it last night after he left it on the side of the road since it wouldn't start)

    Ughhhhhh, I am so sick of this!
  2. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi JNNJ, nice to see you again!

    Wouldn't this be a violation of his probation?

    Even if not, it doesn't sound like a good idea.

    What if they start fighting in your house?

    Police called?

    Your younger sons don't need to be subjected to this.

    Seems like the stakes would be too high.

    Maybe he needs to work on getting his own place, if he wants to bring her back into his life.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member




    He's lucky you let him come back home at all and allow him to drive.

    Your house/your rules.

    Since he is causing you grief, I agree he should maybe find his own place.
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  4. jude-in-nj

    jude-in-nj Member

    Thanks, I figured we were doing the right thing but ya know.... you can only take so much badgering from Difficult Child until you start to question yourself!

    They were ordered not to have any contact. There is no restraining order, but I guess it would be a court order. So yes, I do believe this would be a VOP but only if someone reports them being together.

    Anyway, he violated probation for getting into a fight with the (Ex?)-boyfriend. And I say Ex? because I believe she is still seeing him as well as my son.
    It is a mess, just a terrible ugly mess.

    And yes, we have had to deal with cops at the house etc.. that was reason #1 she was no longer allowed here, even before the court said so. It has affected our other sons in so many ways.. they don't even want to be around him, let alone bring their friends or girlfriends over.
    We are just a normal family that is trying desperately to keep it together for our other kids' sake.

    And when I say we are a "normal" average family I know many of you can relate to that. NO ONE in our community would EVER believe that this chaos is going on in our lives. There are only a few close friends that know and only a few family members. But no-one knows the true extend of what goes on. It is just too exhausting to explain or relive and besides, who wants to hear about our troubles anyway LOL!

    Thanks again for your replies! It honestly means the world to me..
  5. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    Well this is the one thing that has made me feel better today in my situation. The thought of my son being here instead of where he's going is much worse. Yes I remember that turmoil and whirlwind of drama.
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hi Jude:

    When I was reading your post I was asking myself WHY is this man in her home?

    I know he just got out of jail but he is bringing madness to your what was peaceful home.

    I wouldn't allow it. I'd send him packing and his girlfriend too. If he wants to see her, then let him do it on his time and his property. Why should you (once again) be drug into all of this chaos?

    You home is for you and your children that follow your rules.

    I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but we got our son out in March. He has never done jail time but thankfully we have peace now. If he did do jail time I don't think I'd let him come home either. I'm enjoying our quiet peace WAY too much to give it up.ever.again. Oh and we do love him very much.
  7. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    we are all those NORMAL families...of course, I question normal now a days.

    But, he o obviously has no respect for you or your things. Is there not a half way house he can live at.

    He seems to be solving your problems for you....please....don't let him steal your joy for your you get can't get those times back.