Are we over punishing ?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by shellyd67, May 21, 2014.

  1. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Hi all ! It has been a while. Hope all is well. Thank you Jules for your message. I really nice to know how much people care on this site. Things are bad, real bad. difficult child is now 14 and in 7th grade. He is going thru typical teen behavior & his Gfgness is over the top. He is currently suspended from school for being belligerent & disrespectful to his English teacher. They have clashes since day one. He feels picked on and she feels disregarded and disrespected. Many meetings and conferences and he just won't stop. He is now seeing his therapist weekly. He takes no blame and makes every excuse. He also lost out on his class trip which was awesome. He is grounded at home for one week. Unplugged and in the house. He is so nasty and deliberately trying to pick a fight. He says we overreact & it's no big deal. I'm just feeling so sad and defeated as usual.
     
  2. jugey

    jugey Active Member

    I wonder that sometimes too. If we over punish, then she feels like she has nothing to lose and can get really ugly. We always try and keep it very reasonable. We only ground for 24 hours at a time. A week would never work in our house. If we went for a week, that would be punishing ourselves. It's a slippery slope sometimes!


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  3. 4PawsSake

    4PawsSake Member

    To be honest, I'm not sure it really matters. I was always taught to find their currency and go with that. With my daughter is worked well BUT, she's not the same as my son. He had NO currency, NO fear of consequence. I tried EVERYTHING short of beating him. At one time, I had removed EVERYTHING the boy owned except his bed and sketching supplies (hes very artistic when hes bored, so I figured at least that's a positive). This lasted for a month and a half. He did not care!!!
    Even after spending his first night in the drunk tank (there have been several since), I asked him how that felt...his response was "Not too bad, bed was hard and no pillow but the food was great!!" How do you argue that? How can you threaten to send him there again?


    Wendy
     
  4. jugey

    jugey Active Member

    Hahaha....I can relate to that! I remember stripping difficult child's room and taking her with me, to the Salvation Army, to donate the lot and she said, "this isn't going yo work!" She was right! Only recently have we zoned in on her real currency....social media! She's motivated by the threat to remove wifi. We're learning to use it wisely :)


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  5. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    I hear ya ladies !! difficult child is upset over losing his class trip but nothing else seems to bother him either. He has convinced himself that the principal is going to change her mind and let him go. Oh boy ...
     
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I learned the currency trick late in the game and I think I would have done something very controversial. I think I would have paid Cory for every good day he had. The one thing he likes more than anything is making money. He has always wanted to work. One of his major problems right now is inability to work. (He is physically disabled)

    If I had honed in on paying him...even a dollar a day for good days...maybe 50 cents for the first half and 50 for the second. Then moving it up to having to be good the entire time to earn the dollar. Tokens didnt work because they werent real money in his mind even if I made a family store. That was a farce in his mind.

    Now I cant prove any of this would work but maybe. I cant go back in time and test...lol
     
  7. 4PawsSake

    4PawsSake Member

    Shelly, hopefully his principal is nothing like the ones my son had. They all had good intentions, however, by giving in to my boy and making exceptions, they taught him how to manipulate even more. I fought the system every year he was in it.
    An example.. Forest hates gym, yet that one credit is needed to graduate, the school said "okay, we see you walking ALL THE TIME", how about we give you a pedometer to wear and make that count as your credit". No way would he even go along with that!!! Determined to go the tough route. He's almost 18 and has two highschool credits!


    Wendy
     
  8. 4PawsSake

    4PawsSake Member

    I did the bribery with money thing. He used it for booze and cigarettes. Then when that was cut off, he went onto "sales"!


    Wendy
     
  9. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    Hi Shelly! Just seeing your post. Glad you are here! Sorry things are so tough. Which medications is your difficult child on currently? (I can't see signatures on my phone). How many days left of school? This time of year is so hard. Hang in there!

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  10. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Hi Jules ! I am having a difficult time updating my signature ?? It's actually 2 years ago. difficult child is now 14, he is currently on Adderall XR 15mg, he currently see's a therapist weekly and has decent support at school. He is just so miserable, nasty, disrespectful and just beats to his own drum. He is so hard to deal with/live with. husband and I are at each others throats lately. easy child is still her sweet self. Great student and active in every possible sport and school activity. I worry about the effects on her so much. Only 12 more school days (THANK GOODNESS !!!) I am hoping difficult child can find a little job to keep him busy, boost his self esteem and keep some money in is pocket. Money is his favorite thing !! HAHA I have read your posts from time to time and your situation seems to parallel mine. I just love that we have a place to go and vent and get the very best advice. How many school days left for difficult child and how is easy child doing ?
     
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