Are you your worst abuser?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MidwestMom, Dec 14, 2014.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Can this be moved to PE? Posted this before I had coffee...hehe.

    Questions that are food for thought:

    If somebody tells you that you are a bad daughter/mother/co-worker/person...do you automatically feel badly and agree with them...or do you logically review the facts to see if the allegation is really true.

    If somebody treats you like dirt, do you accept it if it is somebody you WISH would care about you? Do you think that, in some way, you deserve it?

    Do you put everybody else before yourself and take very little time to stress out, enjoy yourself free of others, and relax?

    Do you constantly put yourself in situations where you KNOW you will be abused? Do you feel you HAVE to go to certain events where people who are constantly unkind to you will be? I so...why is that? Are they more important than you are?

    Do you suffer from high blood pressure, bad nerves, sleeplessness, poor eating, unhealthy ruminating, etc. because of other people and their choices? Do you take better care of others mental health and physical needs than your own? Why would you do this if you do? Don't you value yourself?

    Do you defend those who are unkind to you? Why do you think you do this? Do you truly think they deserve your defense of them?

    In secret, do you use substances to calm your overwrought nerves due to how other people are behaving or treating you?

    Do you treat yourself to your own therapist or self-help group or do you just encourage your abusers to seek help? Why should they seek help and not you? YOU MATTER!

    Do you do the same self-destructive things over and over again, although they hurt you?

    Do you love or even like yourself? Why not? Is it due to false allegations others make about you? Is there any reality to their allegations? Do you think with your emotions or with your head?

    Just to get ya thinking ;)
     
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  2. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    You all know how I would answer but, good questions MidwestMom, and heres my answers...( I know you wanted to throw this to the PE parents... but... as usual.. I thought Id squeeze my butt in here before its moved!!! ( one day Ill be in PE 4 more years less)


    If somebody tells you that you are a bad daughter/mother/co-worker/person...do you automatically feel badly and agree with them...or do you logically review the facts to see if the allegation is really true.

    If somebody treats you like dirt, do you accept it if it is somebody you WISH would care about you? Do you think that, in some way, you deserve it? Been told I take it wrong or I deserve it I never used to think I deserved but would take the blame for things even if I didnt do it... so for years accept even tho I complain and cry bout it

    Do you put everybody else before yourself and take very little time to stress out, enjoy yourself free of others, and relax? Yup No time too and no help for me to do so and even if I tried I get a guilt trip or lectured saying I have no reason to do anything for myself its not bad my life they say.....

    Do you constantly put yourself in situations where you KNOW you will be abused? Do you feel you HAVE to go to certain events where people who are constantly unkind to you will be? I so...why is that? Are they more important than you are? I always wanted to help others no matter their issues even it was taken out on me, then the threats came...Seem so...

    Do you suffer from high blood pressure, bad nerves, sleeplessness, poor eating, unhealthy ruminating, etc. because of other people and their choices? Do you take better care of others mental health and physical needs than your own? Why would you do this if you do? Don't you value yourself? Yes because they come first

    Do you defend those who are unkind to you? Why do you think you do this? Do you truly think they deserve your defense of them? No, I dont defend what they do..well..depending

    In secret, do you use substances to calm your overwrought nerves due to how other people are behaving or treating you? No

    Do you treat yourself to your own therapist or self-help group or do you just encourage your abusers to seek help? Why should they seek help and not you? YOU MATTER! Nope

    Do you do the same self-destructive things over and over again, although they hurt you? By keep helping them and not able to pull out of this rut? Yes..I know what I would like and what I envision my life would be like in peace.. laughter..jobs... living under MY rules only as an adult!!

    Do you love or even like yourself? Why not? Is it due to false allegations others make about you? Is there any reality to their allegations? Do you think with your emotions or with your head? Do not love or like myself ( used to but after hearing put downs and comparisons threats.. other things..plus my weight I hate about me as do others)I think with my emotions..I know what I would like and what I envision my life would be like in peace.. laughter..jobs... living under MY rules only as an adult!! Sometimes I think if I had this opp I could be the old me the me who could relax and have some fun, the me who enjoyed making crazy maybe horrible dishes for myself and kids and have fun with it being gross not being put down about it( im no chef) I could take up some fun things to do, etc.. maybe Id be able to love myself again..I know I make mistake and I can own up to them no matter what they are or how hard but....I feel false allegations make it worse..
     
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    MWM, this is a wonderful thread for us to think about how we treat ourselves. Thank you for posting it.
     
  4. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    My answers were all 'No' apart from to these questions:

    Yes, I do this, I'm trying to do it less. You could add "Do you get annoyed with yourself when ...you put everybody else etc...'


    Yes, yes I do this, I'm trying to do it less.

    e.g.
    Today I spoke to my son. We spoke about him coming here on Dec 27th as arranged. I said I'd get him a new pair of boots so he could change out of his filthy muddy ones before he got in my car. He started going on about how it makes him feel uncomfortable when he's expected to wash/shower/put clean clothes on when he's in my house. He didn't want me to buy him new boots. He didn't want to have to change out of his filthy muddy ones, because it made him feel "uncomfortable". Eh? What about how uncomfortable I feel with his filth in my car and in my house? I used to put up with this and stress and ruminate and lie awake. I'm not doing it any more. If he can't get clean then he can't get in my car and can't come in my house. My needs are as important as his.


    I like myself sometimes, but I don't think I love myself. I feel unimportant and insignificant a lot of the time. This is nothing to do with anyone else though.
     
  5. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    MWM yes to all except for substance abuse. However, I am slowly learning to get away from all the rest. Lord help me I need these reminders, thank you.
     
  6. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Could this be because he is playing a role which justifies his lifestyle, and cannot afford to have it questioned even in his own mind?

    I love it that you are sticking to your guns on the issue of cleanliness, Lucy. I always think there is a fine line between accepting what the kids do and approving of their lifestyles. It's about as gray a line as can be, but it is there, somewhere.

    There are no right answers. We do the best, the very, most fair best thing, that we know.

    Cedar
     
  7. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    Thank you for this post. Yes to all except substance abuse and I don't really do anything self-destructive (except maybe my thoughts). I always put others first and apologize constantly (even though it's not deserved). Sigh. More fodder for my therapist.
     
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