Are your kids afraid of anyone??

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Aug 23, 2008.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    difficult child went to a private daycare (in house). The basement was a daycare designed just like large daycare centers. There were several people that worked there.

    One of the workers opened her own daycare so we brought him there. When the original daycare lady came to visit difficult child freaked. Made the lady lock the doors. Nobody knew why.

    When he was two he freaked out. Had to remove him. Had no idea what happened. When he was 5 - 9 years old and played sports, there were times he would totally freak out. Literally freeze up, not move, insist on leaving...really scary. He would NOT talk to me, husband, brother or anyone who tried speaking to him.

    Wasn't until middle school he actually told us. A father of a little girl told him he was going to cut him up in little peices..and showed him his hunting knife. (they were two). He says he was so scared he had nightmares about that man but was too afraid to talk. All those sports games he freaked out at...this man was the coach of the other team.

    difficult child has been talking about this man a lot lately. I looked at his baseball schedule..this man coaches the team they are playing on Monday. Do you think after all these years he is still afraid? I really think he is. he tells us he is not, but I think inside he is thinking and feeling the scary feelings he felt many years ago.

    I am really curious to see how this weeks game goes. He did not play or practice last week due to the headaches. I am hoping he is feeling better by Monday.
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Are you saying this coach was the man that said this to 2 yo's? Something is not right with that. If that's the case, I'd say he would still fill up with negative feelings and thoughts. It might not be the same type of fear that a younger child would have, but still, it might be fear of the nightmares returning or fear of being humiliated in front of that coach and his peers, things like that. It would be hard for me not to cringe in that situation.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would anonymously call CPS. He has no business coaching--he is mentally ill. Even if he didn't mean what he said, you don't talk that way to children. Ever. I don't blame your little guy for freaking out if this nut is walking around the neighborhood. I consider this similar to a child who is sexually assaulted but is afraid to tell anyone because the perpetrator scared the child so much. Do you plan on doing anything about it? Your poor kid.
  4. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Has difficult child's headaches worsen since these new contacts with this person?

    For him to still remember after all these years who this person looks like - most kids do not remember people they knew when they were toddlers - something really is terribly wrong.

    That could be why difficult child will not talk to anyone (psychiatrist, therapist, etc.). He was so tramatized that he doesn't want to revisit it and it may be the root of a lot of issues.

    Being afraid of the original daycare lady leads me to believe that she was aware of something and did not protect the kids - either left this man with the kids, was part of whatever, or turned her head to ignore it. Something may be going on in that daycare.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Now that he has told you about this, do you have a plan to protect him? I seriously think this may be part of what is behind the headaches he has had for so long. It takes a LOT of guts to confide something like this, even to your parents. He will be watching you very closely to see what you do.

    I agree that this man has no business around children. It will be very hard to prove, and openly telling the baseball association, teachers, CPS or anyone else may expose difficult child to scrutiny and doubts (from others - simply because it was so long ago and because so many people assume that kids "don't remember" or can't remember) that could traumatize him greatly. Be sure you consult difficult child to see what HE wants to happen now. If he does not want to publicly make this known, then an anonymous report to CPS might help get the man out of the baseball association. It would also tell difficult child you want to protect his privacy and confidentiality as much as you want to protect him.

    I am sorry he went through this. I hope he can come to some peace with this in the future. It iwll likely be a very bumpy road.

    Is there a link between when this happened and when you first saw behavior problems?
  6. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Wow, I sure know how that works. I coupldn't figure out why my easy child years ago would have such fits going to a day care in a private home. My friend had recommended the person and her step daughter went there. But sure enough every day was a trauma but she refused to tell me what was wrong.

    I had to find out by listening to a conversation with the two girls. This woman would not let them have food and drinks except at really rigid times. (even though I had explained that easy child needed to eat more often because she was so small and had a metabolism that went through food quickly). Then if they asked to much she would place them with her dog that wasn't nice to the kids. But easy child wouldn't say anythign while she went to this provider. She was too afraid. In the end I had changed providers because of the trauma this was causing. And she was fine. So in answer to your question yes I have had an experience with something like this. She was very young. (even now if she is going to someones house she hasn't been to before for and extended time she takes a snack or two with her). Probably as a result of many things but certainly one of them being this provider....

    I don't know what you can do with as long as it has been but oof hugs on getting through it.

  7. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Definately saw his behavior change at that point. He was always "strong willed" but not to the extent it changed to.

    This was a great day care. Things were always followed strictly. Taught pre school also. Had daily notes on what he ate, when he pooped, how long he slept. It was very nice. Found out after we left that this man was asked to leave. Of course we had no idea until years later what had happend with difficult child. We did not have a clue. Just by coincedence we noticed when he would freak out, this man was always present. Couldn't put it together though. We even asked him at one point if he had any idea if difficult child was afraid of him. His reply was that "difficult child is crazy".

    Tonight is his baseball game. I WILL have a very close eye on him. I am going to be watching his eye contact, his behavior, his body language. If he gets to stressed, we will leave. I will be very close to the bench.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Please let us know how he is tonight. Will the headache that came back keep him from playing? I hope not, but it may be related to this horrible man. I am sure this man knows what he did and that he says difficult child is "crazy" as a way to get himself out of trouble. Any chance you can find out why he was asked to leave the daycare?? Does he have a child on the other team, or just coach to be "helpful" and "nice" IE gather more victims?

    I am hoping difficult child isn't frightened, but I don't see how he could avoid feeling that way.
  9. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    yes this man does have a son on the other team. We have heard complaints about him as a coach already from parents. We did not share our experience. I am so worried about tonight. difficult child's coach has no idea and if difficult child acts up it could be a bad thing in a coaches eye.

    husband thinks difficult child is over it. I do not. He has talked about this game and this man so much recently. Saying things like what he would like to DO to him....
    difficult child wouldn't say things like that to his dad. Must be a macho thing in his dad's eyes. But his tender side comes out with me.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Is a private word with the coach in order? Dads often take the macho approach. They even deny their own fears, while we see them TALK to difficult child, the coach (if it would help) and even share with parents on the other team if it helps force this man away. I wonder what He(( his child has been through.
  11. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    I hope he can get through the game tonight.

  12. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    He probably has some lingering fear if nothing else.

    Hope things went well.
  13. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    difficult child seemed ok most of the afternoon. On the way to the game, he said he felt like throwing up. I asked him why, if he had felt that way earlier. He said he didn't know why, and no he didn't feel that way earlier.

    Game went good. LONG !!!! He even did the line up and shake hands thing. Did not say a word about it after.

    I know they play them again in the next month. Now that this game is over, I am curious to see if he talks about this man again, or if he is ok.

    I heard him tell a friend yesterday about this man. He said this guy said he was going to chop him up in little peices and skin him...then showed his hunting knife. Then after that day, the little girl would continue to tell him "my dad's going to cut you up". I was present when he told his friend. I asked him why he didn't tell us. He was TWO. He said he was to scared. He thought he was going to kill him. I just don't understand. Why would you be afraid to tell your parents?
  14. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am so glad the game went well. difficult child is really trying hard to control these memories. Two year olds do not know what is normal and not. They may think that eveyone goes through those horrible things (and all the kids in day care probably did). For some reason, they just don't understand there is a choice to "tattle".

    Letting him know that you would have put a stop to it if only you knew will help. Two year olds also don't want mom and dad to be hurt. They do not realize how powerful you are to protect them and yourself and if someone threatened to hurt you if told on, the two year old would believe it.

    How did the headaches go today?