Arg. Dealing with-difficult child, his girlfriend, and her family ...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Feb 5, 2012.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    difficult child spent all day today discussing who-knows-what with-his girlfriend, while they both played video games and wore headphones, in their own homes, constantly saying "Huh?" or "What?" because they're multitasking, when they were supposed to be firming up a movie date, money issues, and transportation.
    difficult child and husband were supposed to go to someone's house to watch the Superbowl together, and difficult child and his girlfriend chose a late movie time, so husband was upset, but he had bet with-difficult child on teams--a video game against cleaning the litter box--and at least he doesn't have to worry about that any more, lol!

    I argued about the movie time with-difficult child and finally printed out the schedule for him to see. He insisted it was a different time, because his girlfriend told him so.

    I just don't get why he denies what is in front of his eyes.

    We got into the car and I handed him enough $ for his own ticket. He wanted enough for 2 tickets. Hey, you never told me that, I said.
    He texted his girlfriend and she said fine, she'd get the $ from her mom.
    Then he tells me I am also bringing them home.
    Huh?
    I said I would go to the door and talk to girlfriend's mom and get everything straightened out.
    difficult child started arguing and finally I said, "You ARE going to the movie and are doing something you want to do. So why are you yelling at me? I have only gotten bits and pieces of info and I do not like operating like this."
    "But we've been planning it for TWO WEEKS!" he shouted.
    "Exactly. I was aware of that. So why am I just finding out the details now?"
    "This is my first time. I'm still learning."

    Oh, okay. :sigh:

    I drive up to girlfriend's house and b4 I can get to the door, girlfriend is out and has shut the door. "Am I driving you home? What's going on with-dinner?"
    "I don't know. I guess so."
    "I need to talk to your mom."
    So she opens the door and I go in, and her mom is on the couch with-her laptop, barely looks up at me, and when I ask what the plan is, and whether I am also bringing them home, she says, "Yeah, I was planning on that if you don't mind."
    "Well, let me type in your cell ph # so we're not so confused next time." (I had it at one point but don't know where it went.)
    I ask about dinner. "We are having pizza but it's a small little one."
    "Okay, so I will bring N home and take difficult child with-me to eat at home with-me."
    "Right."

    I drop off the kids at the theater. (Unfortunately, they picked a horror film and they don't make em like they used to. :) I decide to go home. )
    I've gone one blk and the cell ph rings. It's difficult child.
    "The movie doesn't start for an hr."
    (Sorry, I couldn't help it --) "I told you that!" :hi5: "So, just walk around and have fun for an hour. I'll call N's mom and tell her you will be late. Bye."
    (IOW, I am not coming back to get you.)

    "Wait, I think N will call her mom."
    "Okay."
    I call the mom anyway. She's fine with-my leaving the kids there, fine with-the change in plans ... couldn't care less, actually.
    I have no idea if she is studying for an exam, is depressed, is selfish, or what. Argh.
    I wouldn't mind letting the kids spend more time out and about, if they didn't mess up so much. Then again, they ARE g'sfg. :) I would also like the mom to call me about once a wk, just to touch base. But I am going to have to be the one in charge, I can see, because these kids have actually been getting along for nearly 2 mo's so ...

    I can see that this mom is too young, is not responsive to anyone, and that telling her about the cutting issue would be counterproductive. So sad.
    :sigh:
     
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Oh geez. Well some of it sounds typical egocentric typical teen so that part is kind of cool....but of course the layer of difficult child-ness is amazing... maybe even the mom. i went to pick up my same age niece from her boyfriend's house and they were supposedly watching a movie inside with parents. I show up at the appointed time, text her (she had jsut texted me so I knew she was there and phone was on) and ignored... I try again and again and call too. I go up to the door and ring and knock and NO ONE comes... I can SEE them on the lower level. If I have people come to my house I turn everything off and pay attention to the guest. I was so ticked off.

    Told my niece I would be having her stay with me for the rest of the weekend since she had such a hard time being polite when I had five other kids waiting on me (I had left Q with his cousins at home to get her.....uggg, should have been a quick trip)

    How do they assume we are such a free taxi drive? I never did that. I remember having to ask and have my parents meet people and they never told me that was how it was.... it just was. I know that sounds old fashioned but it seems like it would be more important these days. Like we should all be even more aware of what is going on with so many more dangers out there.

    I think you are simply awesome. You did the right thing and in the end your kid will thank you for caring..... I really believe that.
     
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Buddy. I do think that the mom is a difficult child, too. You helped me think it through a bit after reading your note.
    And yes, a lot of this is typical teen. It's just dealing with-a mom who isn't into being a mom is especially hard.

    I've only got an hr left so I'd better go get some work done ... :)
     
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Terry--

    I think (for your own sanity) that you need to stop being so "easy going".

    IOW - be tough! When difficult child wants to do something - you may have to start "grilling" him. When? Where? Who else is going? How are you getting there? How are you getting home? How are you paying for this activity? And I think difficult child needs to figure ALL that out BEFORE getting in the car...

    Right now - if he doesn't get it figured out...that's OK because you are figuring it out FOR him as he goes along his merry way.

    He needs to learn that he cannot assume - but he can ask. And if he is not sure, he can ask for your help. As an Aspie - this kind of planning might be something that appeals to him. Give him a "checklist". Who? What? When? Where?

    Just my $.02
     
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    We had this happen once with Onyxx. There are several malls in the area - we live about 1 mile from one, there's one about 6 miles, and one about 12 miles.

    I dropped her at the close one. Friend's Mom was to bring her home in 3 hours (9 PM).

    At 8:58 she called and demanded I come get her. From the one 12 miles away. I asked how she got there and "a friend drove". I told her that her friend better drive her back, because she did not have PERMISSION to go to that mall, and it was BED TIME for Jett. I wasn't leaving. husband was at work. And she was going to be late getting home. So she could count on NOT going out the next night.

    husband got off work early... Got home at 9:45... No Onyxx. He refused to go get her, too. She came in at 10:30 wanting to start a fight. He looked at her and said something to the effect of - fine, you blew it, you can accept your consequences or we can call the cops.

    She shut up.

    (This was when he was starting to get the idea...)



    Now for Jett? 24 hours notice for an overnight or a party where he has to take something. If less than that? The answer is automatically NO.
     
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Well, difficult child called me from school today, sick. He's totally congested and miserable so I have to leave the extended conversation for tomorrow.
    I definitely will tell him that this was just too crazy-making and it needs to be planned out between the PARENTS from now on, not just the kids.
    The weird part is, that another one of his friends, E, has a mom who is like a military colonel, and barks orders at everyone, incl parents. "I am the PARENT. I make the RULES. I demand COMMUNICATION. I have the final SAY."
    So, the boys plan something and all of a sudden, they're at my house. No phonecall, no plan. This happens several times. Then, difficult child is going to a movie. I get 1 hr notice. Say what?
    I drive difficult child to their place and not only has the mom not COMMUNICATED with-me, but she doesn't know I'm there, and she's b*tching everyone out as she comes down the stairs. Her son is gesturing, trying to get her to shut up, "Mom, mom, Mom!" She practically walks into me and leaps a mile into the air.
    "That's what I was trying to tell you," he says. "Mrs. difficult child is here."
    It was actually funny but not, Know what I mean?? All hot air and no teeth. No follow through.
    (by the way, they bought and pd for the tickets in advance and did not want me to pay them back. A guilt gift or what?)
    Either way, I get parents who are too loud and controlling or too uninvolved, and somehow, I get left out of the loop. Maybe I just look like the trustworthy type?
    I've got to quit wearing Winnie the Pooh shirts and change into a black power suit. With heavy framed glasses.
     
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hate to tell you this, but... difficult child parents can sniff you out, no matter what you wear!
     
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    <p.s. they do that to me, too.>

    I thought about... turning into a major difficult child myself and paying them back, but... that doens't work either, and I wouldn't be able to live with myself...
     
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I know. They wouldn't "get" it.
     
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