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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 146422" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Dara, I'm sorry if you felt I was being critical. It wasn't intended. Of course you should feel free to vent here. The physical violence you describe - short of what you've been already doing, which involves removing him, all I could suggest was alternatively not removing him but instead finding a way to remove yourself, or protect yourself. Maybe cricketer's pads for the shins? I'm not entirely joking here, they might help. Trouble is, you can't do the housework wearing a sumo suit, which is probably how far you'd need to go.</p><p></p><p>At three years old, all the usual frustrations you get with the average kid get multiplied - I can't say how many times, with a kid like this. It's really not easy. And you mention nappy changing - we had delays in toilet-training with difficult child 3, too. I think he was 6 when we finally got things happening there.</p><p></p><p>The ODD - difficult child 3 never got that label officially, because it's almost unheard of over here, but it would have applied. Probably still would, only now he's 14 and he really does try to be compliant. However, as soon as anybody tries to push him, we see his opposition really stiffen to (our) screaming point. We can reason with him a great deal more, now, but still have problems at times especially with the stuff he just can't handle. But when I think back to when he was 3 - I never thought we'd get anywhere near this far with him, he just amazes me. And the reason I mentioned mind-set - I was also at the end of my tether with him when he was little. I had the wrong mind-set, in a lot of ways, until only a few years ago. I thought I was doing things as right as I could have, I've had teacher training and was already an experienced mother - but nothing can prepare you for this.</p><p></p><p>Especially in the beginning, even after diagnosis (and it was much worse before) we had no support base. Even close friends were critical of our parenting, blaming us. mother in law was refusing to accept that there was anything wrong, other than my being a slack mother trying to find excuses. It took her living near us and therefore seeing a lot more of him, for her to finally get the message.</p><p>Friends would say things to my face, suggest stuff which I'd already tried and I felt so cranky and frustrated (so if I made you feel that way with me, I apologise - and I DO know how it feels!)</p><p>But what my friends were saying behind my back was even more hurtful.</p><p></p><p>People kept telling us to put him in respite, but we never did. I suspect it would have been a nightmare for us. Even now, when we have to go away to adult-only family things, we either don't go or we make it clear that difficult child 3 has to come with us.</p><p></p><p>Having mother in law blame Sammy (and therefore, indirectly, you) for husband's illness is cruel and very unhelpful. I really hate it when that happens. I suspect she's not exactly rushing to offer to mind him for you though, is she?</p><p></p><p>I wish there were something more I could say to help you NOW; all I can say is that for us, despite my mistakes and eventually because I had to be so plugged in to him, he's been constantly improving. If you already are plugged in to Sammy to this extent then with time you should see improvement. The trouble is, if you're already doing everything you can then all that is left, is time.</p><p></p><p>One area with Sammy that I simply have no experience with at all, is the epilepsy. Is there any way this could be aggravating his rages, do you think? Although in your original post you did say you felt all this was totally independent of medication. </p><p></p><p>You mentioned he runs away and husband can't chase him - has he ever got lost? Do you worry he might? A suggestion (if you're not already doing it) - get some adhesive mailing labels (or similar) and write his name, maybe his diagnosis and your phone number on it, then stick one on his BACK whenever you go out anywhere. If it's on his back he won't know about it to peel it off, but if he gets separated from you, someone will have the contact details to let you know he's safe.</p><p>We also had a wrist tag for difficult child 3, it was a band of brightly coloured elastic with a laundry label stitched on, and it fasted round his wrist with velcro. We wrote the same details on the tag and especially on holidays, we'd leave it on him permanently. Would he wear it, though?</p><p></p><p>You mentioned in your original post that he copies the other kids in his special school and this upsets you. By taking him out of this environment (which you just said you will be doing) I hope you will find what we found - he learns to copy 'normal' behaviour.</p><p></p><p>Back when difficult child 3 was 5, we had the chance to put him in a Special Education class of other autistic kids. Although it would have been intensive support and therapy, we chose not to primarily for the reasons you've found - we were concerned he would imitate the more problematic behaviours. He was extremely imitative (still is). (We had to do it when he was 5 because we had NO Early Intervention offered at all, before then - a crime, I think).</p><p></p><p>What we found - he did better with the kids he knew, but it was a much bigger group and so there were times when he had to be left, while the teacher attended to the others. We had support funding for a part-time aide and that helped a lot. I still think that even with hindsight, that mainstream class was valuable and we did the right thing. When he was two years older, THAT is when I would have wanted him back in a Special Education class for its smaller numbers and the increasing gap in his social competence.</p><p></p><p>If, on top of that, you know the person in charge of that class and you also know her experience - then roll on, June, is all I can say. From the sound of things, it can't come soon enough for you and your husband.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry about losing your grandfather, not being able to say your goodbyes to him, on top of everything else, is just not fair. Do look after yourself especially now, you've already got a larger helping of stress than any of us should ever have to deal with.</p><p></p><p>I really wish I could help you more. I remember what difficult child 3 was like at 3 and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 146422, member: 1991"] Dara, I'm sorry if you felt I was being critical. It wasn't intended. Of course you should feel free to vent here. The physical violence you describe - short of what you've been already doing, which involves removing him, all I could suggest was alternatively not removing him but instead finding a way to remove yourself, or protect yourself. Maybe cricketer's pads for the shins? I'm not entirely joking here, they might help. Trouble is, you can't do the housework wearing a sumo suit, which is probably how far you'd need to go. At three years old, all the usual frustrations you get with the average kid get multiplied - I can't say how many times, with a kid like this. It's really not easy. And you mention nappy changing - we had delays in toilet-training with difficult child 3, too. I think he was 6 when we finally got things happening there. The ODD - difficult child 3 never got that label officially, because it's almost unheard of over here, but it would have applied. Probably still would, only now he's 14 and he really does try to be compliant. However, as soon as anybody tries to push him, we see his opposition really stiffen to (our) screaming point. We can reason with him a great deal more, now, but still have problems at times especially with the stuff he just can't handle. But when I think back to when he was 3 - I never thought we'd get anywhere near this far with him, he just amazes me. And the reason I mentioned mind-set - I was also at the end of my tether with him when he was little. I had the wrong mind-set, in a lot of ways, until only a few years ago. I thought I was doing things as right as I could have, I've had teacher training and was already an experienced mother - but nothing can prepare you for this. Especially in the beginning, even after diagnosis (and it was much worse before) we had no support base. Even close friends were critical of our parenting, blaming us. mother in law was refusing to accept that there was anything wrong, other than my being a slack mother trying to find excuses. It took her living near us and therefore seeing a lot more of him, for her to finally get the message. Friends would say things to my face, suggest stuff which I'd already tried and I felt so cranky and frustrated (so if I made you feel that way with me, I apologise - and I DO know how it feels!) But what my friends were saying behind my back was even more hurtful. People kept telling us to put him in respite, but we never did. I suspect it would have been a nightmare for us. Even now, when we have to go away to adult-only family things, we either don't go or we make it clear that difficult child 3 has to come with us. Having mother in law blame Sammy (and therefore, indirectly, you) for husband's illness is cruel and very unhelpful. I really hate it when that happens. I suspect she's not exactly rushing to offer to mind him for you though, is she? I wish there were something more I could say to help you NOW; all I can say is that for us, despite my mistakes and eventually because I had to be so plugged in to him, he's been constantly improving. If you already are plugged in to Sammy to this extent then with time you should see improvement. The trouble is, if you're already doing everything you can then all that is left, is time. One area with Sammy that I simply have no experience with at all, is the epilepsy. Is there any way this could be aggravating his rages, do you think? Although in your original post you did say you felt all this was totally independent of medication. You mentioned he runs away and husband can't chase him - has he ever got lost? Do you worry he might? A suggestion (if you're not already doing it) - get some adhesive mailing labels (or similar) and write his name, maybe his diagnosis and your phone number on it, then stick one on his BACK whenever you go out anywhere. If it's on his back he won't know about it to peel it off, but if he gets separated from you, someone will have the contact details to let you know he's safe. We also had a wrist tag for difficult child 3, it was a band of brightly coloured elastic with a laundry label stitched on, and it fasted round his wrist with velcro. We wrote the same details on the tag and especially on holidays, we'd leave it on him permanently. Would he wear it, though? You mentioned in your original post that he copies the other kids in his special school and this upsets you. By taking him out of this environment (which you just said you will be doing) I hope you will find what we found - he learns to copy 'normal' behaviour. Back when difficult child 3 was 5, we had the chance to put him in a Special Education class of other autistic kids. Although it would have been intensive support and therapy, we chose not to primarily for the reasons you've found - we were concerned he would imitate the more problematic behaviours. He was extremely imitative (still is). (We had to do it when he was 5 because we had NO Early Intervention offered at all, before then - a crime, I think). What we found - he did better with the kids he knew, but it was a much bigger group and so there were times when he had to be left, while the teacher attended to the others. We had support funding for a part-time aide and that helped a lot. I still think that even with hindsight, that mainstream class was valuable and we did the right thing. When he was two years older, THAT is when I would have wanted him back in a Special Education class for its smaller numbers and the increasing gap in his social competence. If, on top of that, you know the person in charge of that class and you also know her experience - then roll on, June, is all I can say. From the sound of things, it can't come soon enough for you and your husband. I'm sorry about losing your grandfather, not being able to say your goodbyes to him, on top of everything else, is just not fair. Do look after yourself especially now, you've already got a larger helping of stress than any of us should ever have to deal with. I really wish I could help you more. I remember what difficult child 3 was like at 3 and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Marg [/QUOTE]
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