ARghhhhh feeling a bit discouraged...

[toughlovin]

So my husband is down visiting my son at rehab. Sounds like things are not going all that well... although he did see him today with the therapist and will have some time with him tomorrow which is good... and it is probably good that I am not there. So I guess my son feels he has some mental health issues (true) and that if he can get those handled then he wont really have a substance abuse problem!!!!! He still feels he will be able to drink and use pot recreationally. And he is not doing all he needs to do to really follow the program and is being somewhat defiant. Darn it, it is driving me nuts. I just want to shake some sense into him! Which is why it is good that I am not there!!!

I guess he said that when he had a bad time with the girlfriend he just drank straight for a week (guess that was before he went in) but if he deals with all his issues he wont have to do that. I get that part of it is self medicating but that IS the problem, he is using substances instead of really facing the pain and his problems.

Anyway I just called my husband bad to point out to him, that thinking about not using forever may be too much for him to think about. That is why they say it is one day at a time!!! So to point that out and hopefully he can acknowledge that his use right now has gotten him on the street and into trouble.

My husband said it does seem like he wants to get his life together... so maybe having that want is a first step. I just don't know how long he is going to be able to stay at this rehab.... and he clearly is not ready to be out on his own.

I am so afraid he is going to end up on the street again and I know we have to let that happen....and it just makes my heart sink.

I saw someting on fb last night so it looks like the girlfriend has really ended it... which is probably good... but my heart aches for him too as no matter what that hurts.

And although it is good I am not there... I wish I was.

TL

 

[InsaneCdn]

{{hugs}}
The hardest part is... it's "one day at a time" for Mom, too.

 

[Nancy]

Oh TL he sounds just like my difficult child. She has never bought into the fact that she is an addict even with all the losses she has suffered because of it. She also rtionalized that she drank 24/7 when she broke up with the boyfriend. For two tears?????? And what about eh three years before she met him? So they will rationalize anything to continue using. I was thinking about this last night while I was trying to sleep....what better definition of addiction when they want to continue using even with all the problems it causes in their life. And my difficult child has mental health issues too, plenty of them, but from what we both read in the books Addict in the Family and Everything Changes, most addicts do have mental health issues that came first. In all the years of therapy and counseling and medications, my difficult child has never resolved or managed those mental health issues. The only time her life is relatively together is when she is sober. It is very clear to us, very clear, that our difficult child will end up very badly, because we have seen where she has been before and the only reason she is not dead or in jail right now is because we continued to save her.

I know you are very discouraged, I am feeling the same way. For my difficult child to go through everything she has and still say she does not feel she is an alcoholic is insane. She has losrt her friends, her school, sveral jobs, her home, her family, and has seen many of her friends die because of this disease, and none of it is enough to convince her. I am afraid she will lose her freedom or her life because she doesn't get it.

Your difficult child is not ready to admit her has a problem, either is mine. I know you would stand on your head in the middle of the lake if that's what it took to convince him. My husband told difficult child the other day that she was very wrong about her saying she was not an alcoholic and that she is in complete denial. They think they can continue using....for why? Do they want us to believe that using make sveerythign better? Was living on the beach better? This is insanity, they will not give up the very thing that causes them so much pain.

I wish I could fix this for us, I wish we could convince our difficult child's that living this way will only cause more self destruction. It is beyond my comprehension. If something was causing me that much pain I would stop. But that's why they call it addiction.

Hugs,
Nancy

 

[toughlovin]

Thank you for the reminder that it is one day at a time for us too.....things can and do change and he may not always be where he is at now.

Nancy I so agree with you. I just don't see how he can possibily not see that subtance use has caused him many many life problems. Maybe he does.... and if he can at least see that he has to stop for now maybe he will end up stopping for a long time.

I think though that he is now convinced his mental health issues are at the root of everything and if he can just deal with those then everything will be ok and he can drink or drug again. But honestly they can't deal with the mental health issues unless he is sober and those will take some really hard work on his part. I think he is looking for a jagic bullet... and can't he see that his defiance and problems with rules is part of his problem? And if he wants to deal with his mental health issues then he needs to learn to follow the rules???

Arghhh it really is a catch-22 and the solution starts with staying sober and I am not at all sure he is committed to doing that. And if he cant follow the rules at rehab what makes him think he can follow them at a sober house?

Oy.... it just feels endless to me. And as wonderful as my husband is I doubt he is going to really address any of these issues with him in a meaningful way.... which is maybe why it is good I am not there, because I would probably try to and it would just blow up in my face!

TL

 

[buddy]

Oh wow, the power of denial. Having had quite a bit of counseling in my lifetime, I think it is interesting that anyone would think .... oh it is these other mental health issues and when those get FIXED then I wont have any use for my poor coping skills. WELL, sorry son. just identifying a problem does not make it go away quickly. Takes most of us a LONG LONG time. So even if his theory was right, it doesn't mean that he can drink, smoke etc. Too hard to work on the underlying problems when you are still doing behaviors that mask the problem. It's all just too interconnected.

Of course he has to figure that one out. I hope he stays where he is long enough to allow them to help him work through that. For me it was not chemicals but I have a friend who would never stop her control issues with food and she still to this day suffers constant depression and anxiety and drama. Nothing gets solved because she diverts the focus all the time.

Would be great if he was right, but ummmm.... I'm clearly not experienced or very knowledgeable in this area, and even to me, it seems highly unlikely. (and if it involves medications then it is even more unlikely he can have his problems solved while drinking)

I like that IC... one day at a time for parents and family too. That is true for many things. It actually helped me take a deep breath. Thanks.

 

[Zardo]

My difficult child no longer thinks he has an SA problem either....that's what makes me worry. Although he is doing well right now and has been for a few months, I worry about this view of his. He thinks that during the time he struggled with substances, the real issue was depression. This could very well be the case, but he ruined his life for a year with defiance and SA. There are a lot of depressed teens that don't go there. It took a lot of ups and downs and false starts to get our difficult child to committ to sobriety. He too thought he didn't have a problem then. It wasn't until he fell on his face a couple more times that he was finally willing to see that all his substance abuse was making the whole course of his life at risk. As we have all discussed and witnessed, that "reality" moment is different for all of them. Yours has been through a lot, for sure, but maybe for him, he has not reached his "reality" moment. Mine does understand that now and is finally clean even though he does not think of himself as an addict, which I suspect means that he will resume some form of use at some point. One of the hardest things is that we cannot make them reach that point, the only REAL change comes from within. Your difficult children moment will come, but we can't know when. That's what is so hard. "Changing for Good" helped me to recognize what stage my difficult child was at and what to do to support that stage. It may help you to read it. Even if he doesn't embrace recovery yet, the messages he will hear while there will have some impact, even if he isn't ready to act upon it. I will say, my difficult child was not fully "reached" during his 90 day stay in Wilderness SA treatment. He embraced sobriety more after being home, falling down a couple of times and then going to IOP. I think he got sick of people seeing him fail and expecting the least of him.

 

[AmericanGirl]

TL,

It is such a tough process....on the addict and all who love them. Him wanting to get his life together is a glorious thing.

I'm hoping and praying tomorrow goes well with your husband's visit.

My difficult child has asked me to visit him tomorrow in rehab. Am praying it is a peaceful time.

 

[Tiredof33]

It is so very hard!!! Yesterday I was taking things an hour at a time. Nothing major, just some days are harder to detach than others (as we all know very well)!

I will not help mine any more and after the way him and girlie showed their immature a**es, when I start feeling like I have abandoned him I just remind myself what they did to me, his sister, and his friends. He has to do this for himself.

Don't lose hope! I know 2 people that have amazing lives now and very really into drugs and alcohol for many years. One was living on the streets and was about 35 before he turned his life around. He was arrested for something and continued the out patient for years. If I didn't know of his prior situation I would not believe it! He is a role model parent and has a good job with an AA degree!!

The other is a lady and almost lost her only child due to the drugs and alcohol. She now has a $200,000 a year job and a 4 year degree. She attended college at night while working. She did not receive any counseling and several of her friends died from drug overdoses!!! I love her dearly and I am so proud of her!

Kids in their 20's don't think about the future. It's a hard time for most, but that doesn't excuse them. I think my difficult child started as self medicating and he was never really diagnosed with any mental issues but they are there, whether drug induced or not they drugs and alcohol have clouded his thinking so much.

(((Prayers a hoping for peaceful visits for all)))

 

[exhausted]

TL,
It is so interesting that your boy's biggest struggle is with following rules....Many of the kids I have taught in the past and are now in trouble, it was following rules. My difficult child, it is following rules. It's like mine is driven to control everyone by not following rules. Wish I understood the connectionb better.

I think it is normal for anyone to look at themselves when sick, and think one thing or other will fix it. "If my mental health issues are taken care of I won't have an addiction." The trouble is our minds and bodies are so complex and it is all twisted together. I agree that he is not at the stage where he clearly understands and is ready to be sober and happy. It seems to be a process for most people. Rock bottom seems to be different for everybody and not everybody needs a rock bottom.

In the mean time, our fear is very real-will they end up dead before they hit that bottom and have a chance to have a sober life? We are told to let go and let God. We do this as we fight all our maternal instincts. I am praying and coming here daily and going to FA meetings hoping to get good at being the mother of a mentally ill, out of control, addicted kid. This is hard and it stinks, it just does. Giving you a knowing cyber hug.

 

[Nancy]

My difficult child has always had a huge problem with rules also. In fact that is what led me to this board thirteen years ago. She was diagnosed with ODD at that time and never outgrew it. Of course addiction was in her future, she was told not to do them from early on so of course that's exactly what she did.

Nancy

 

[susiestar]

(((((hugs)))))

 

[toughlovin]

So it sounds like the rest of the weekend went a little better. They had a good time yesterday... my son had a pass for a couple of hours and they went and played paintball...I called them because my son got a bank statement where they are charging him a monthly fee even though he is overdrawn and not using the account. Of course the bank won't talk to me so I called them and suggested they call the bank and close the account. My son did that (with my husband right there spurring him on).... he managed to get most of the fees waived and I did transfer $4 into the account so he could close it. So anyway at least I got to talk to him for a minute and hear his voice.

Today my husband took him shopping to buy some shoes and he bought him some kind of cool lighter... why he did that I have no idea but I am not making an issue of it since I was not there. But husband said he was in a good mood today and seems good. He did not talk about coming back up here which is good. And as they left my son said he would talk to them about us going down for the family weekend in April.... my husband had mentioned it yesterday but my so brought it up on his own today... so that is good.

Really though nothing has changed, I am sure he still doesn't see himself as an addict, but knowing he looks better and seemed better today made me feel better. I have to watch falling for his good moments!!!

TL

 

[Kathy813]

What is it with difficult child's not being able to follow rules? My difficult child told me tonight that one of the stylists at her new job had secretly given difficult child her phone number and might do difficult child's hair on the side.

difficult child was specifically told that she needed to keep a distance from the stylists. So why oh why would she break the rule the second week that she works there. I pointed out that she was doing exactly the opposite of what she was told.

I don't get it.

~Kathy