Argue, argue, argue...stomach in knots

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Thanks.

I'm always shocked at how much I married my own father the first time. If I told my father what he said, my father would probably pause, puzzled, then ask, "Yeah, so? What's the big deal? I kid you not.
 

Lil

Well-Known Member
What an awful thing to say! I don't blame her for not speaking to him. Frankly, paying him back is nicer than I would be. I not only wouldn't speak to him, I'd stiff him on the money too. Wow.

I do remember my own father saying something like, "A smart girl should charge instead of giving it away."

But that was a comment on the lack of morals shown by sleeping around and he wasn't actually talking about me. ;)
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Well, I was mistaken. Ex wasn't talking about my daughter. He said it about her SO, who is currently laid off.

I guess that makes it slightly better???? Not to her. She's horrified. What did her SO say? "Men say such stupid things." He wasn't even upset...lol.

We Skyped later so I could see the baby and while we spoke she said she needed time to talk to him again. She will. She's almost too nice sometimes. She already paid him and s he will talk to him again. It will take a long time for her to learn detachment but she is learning to stick up for herself finally!!!The last thing I want for either of my girls is to have them learn at 50, like I did, that it's not ok for certain people to treat you like garbage. I want them to have that knowledge earlier than I did. It is hard to teach that concept to Sonic because I doubt he has a mean bone in his body and 37 already doesn't take guff from anyone. We take guff from him...lol.

I feel horrible for having married ex and, worse, not even realizing what a bad husband and father he was and having three kids with him (two adopted). I really did not know that we didn't have a normal marriage because all I knew were my parents and they insulted one another all the time. I thought all marriages were verbally abusive.
 

Lil

Well-Known Member
I guess that makes it slightly better???? Not to her. She's horrified. What did her SO say? "Men say such stupid things." He wasn't even upset...lol

Men. :rolleyes: Her SO probably thought it was funny...maybe even flattering...the thought of being a gigolo.

I'm glad it wasn't about your daughter. Still want to strangle him into unconsciousness?

I feel horrible for having married ex and, worse, not even realizing what a bad husband and father he was and having three kids with him (two adopted).

Don't beat yourself up about it. I had a great childhood and married a terrible 1st husband...at 30 years old! Everyone is entitled to make very stupid choices - sometimes. (Yes, I feel guilty too, knowing that my son's difficult child-ness probably comes from his biodad. :sigh:)
 

Tanya M

Living with an attitude of gratitude
Staff member
Whether he said it her or SO it was still a mean thing to say. It's good she has you to turn to for emotional support.
I also made a poor choice with my first husband, difficult child turned out just like him. :cautious:
I do not regret it however as I learned some valuable life lessons that helped to better equip me in dealing with people.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I regret marrying my ex. None of my children I had while married to him are his DNA. He had a rare metabolic disorder and perhaps that is why he is sterile and 37 is a donor child. I have no idea about that side of his DNA other than what I was told, but I know one thing: it is like there was nobody else there. He looks like my family, acts like them, and has inherited every problem we have as a group. I am glad though that he didn't also have ex's DNA thrown into the mix. 37, by the way, has absolutely NO interest in his birthfather and doesn't even want me to try to find him, which is impossible anyway. But that is one thing he doesn't care about. But he has the same problems with my ex that my daughter has. My ex has said horrible things to him, which actually was one reason I finally left the man. I got sick of hearing, "Why can't he be like Scott (He-Who-Left-Family). It was spoken out loud, in front of both boys, and 37 would cry to me and ask, "Why does he always say that?"

So now my two older kids (He-Who-Left-Famiy doesn't count) have to deal with his ongoing cruelty because he IS their father and they both do want his love, although my daughter does much more than 37.

I don't blame myself for marrying ex because it is pointless to regret what already happened, plus I thought our relationship was normal. I really did. I'm just sorry that I didn't know better before bringing children into the marriage, although it makes me sad to think of life without them. Still...he blurts out very cruel stuff and normally he has no remorse. He was never sorry when he said to 37 that he should be more like Scott. He never stopped saying it either. He still says it sometimes because Scott is a millionaire with his own business and that is how he judges people. 37 is actually nothing like my ex. When he is mean it is more like my family type meanness. Ex has a meanness that is unique and much different from 37s.

It's hard to explain.
 

Lil

Well-Known Member
Well it sounds like getting away from him was a blessing. He sounds like a truly horrible person.

Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
 

Tanya M

Living with an attitude of gratitude
Staff member
MWM this made me think of you

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wakeupcall

Well-Known Member
My difficult child was adopted at birth, had a totally different upbringing with ex and I than what he would have had. But that nature vs nurture...don't even get me started. He behaves EXACTLY like his bio family.....it's truly amazing.

And as far as an ex is concerned...I honestly don't know where my head was for all those decades we were married. I must have had my head in the sand or I was crazy all along! But I've rectfied it...better late than never!
 

cubsgirl

Well-Known Member
MWM - I swear you are my hero. You have an amazingly complex family situation which you handle with grace and dignity and wisdom. I'm still reeling over my own "she-who-left-her-family" aka difficult child 1. The way you handle ex, and 37, and for that matter all of your kids is amazing.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Thanks, cubsgirl, but it wasn't always this way and I had a very hard time when Scott took off, yet still talked to ex. But I have just learned various coping mechanisms that help me, such as not trying to change what is. I can't. I can't change who others are either. Or what they do.

As long as I have my husband, my girls (all three) and Sonic and 37 when he is being nice, life is good and peaceful. I try very hard to make it that way and don't allow toxic people in my world anymore.

But it wasn't always like this. Trust me. I had to learn the hard way that, no matter how hard you try, you can NOT change another person one iota. And that going over the past is a waste of time...more a learning experience. And that the future is unknown so why worry about what we don't know? Living in the moment has given me peace I never knew.

If you can be a cubs fan, you can handle anything ;)
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
MWM, I see my son's future in that phone call. :(

Ack, what a thing to say to anyone, especially your daughter! I hope that she can learn to detach, and go to therapy, and that she never asks him for money again. And never speaks to him again. Why would she? I'm so sorry.

Your life is full of cr*p. I'm so sorry.
 
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