argument with-my mom

[Jena]

i'm piggybacking klmno's post........i was going to write my mother also lol. it must be a full moon. sheesh

so, yup my mother i called her to be nice she recently was diagnosed with lupus and i figured it would be the daughterly thing to call say hi how are you feeling, etc.

well it turned into a debate, she's always asking about my job which is nice i guess yet sometimes i wonder why. they shut down 2 depts that lost funding we're hoping we aren't the next ones to go.

ok back to the topic sorry i do that lol, still! bounce, bounce, jump jump around with-my words!!

so after all the mistakes my mom made with-me and wow there were ALOT she had the nerve to say to me on the phone tonite do any children really have mental illness or is it all just environmental from these parents with whom can't support their kdis with a stable environment sort of thing cause when i was a kid there was no BiPolar (BP), or adhd or add stuff.

so, bit my tongue ok guys it bled. so i said to her so you think difficult child is just a product of environmental (my mistakes) or does she have a true diagnosis?? oh well i dont' know she says to me!! ha! All the changes that have gone on in her life, the moves, the divorce, the one long standing relationship i had following my divorce, before my boyfriend that didn't work out.

on and on she went til i finally said i gotta go mom sorry difficult child and i are eating dinner now.

there are days i will soo tell you i want to tell her exactly who she thinks she is and she'd better get off her high horse because she's got some nerve with-her background of decision making skills when she was a single parent holy carp!!! yet i stop myself each time and have to remind myself why would you do that, what good would come from it? id' feel good for about ten minutes than id' feel like garbage when i heard her crying.

yet boy there are soo days........my unresolved anger towards her would like to jump off the entire shelf in my "closet" named mom lol.

ok i'm done rambling now lol

 

[klmno]

DITTO!

This is exactly why I can understand people's initial doubt about me and difficult child's homelife- but once they learn about what I grew up with and overcame, and what all I have done to try to break this pattern with difficult child and he still has issues, it's a little annoying isn't it?

And I can almost bet- when you were growing up, it was never the parents' fault was it? Didn't your mother only come to that great question after you had your child?

 

[Jena]

hello my mom has never taken responsibility for any of her mistakes, infact she has disowned me a few times for mine!! can you imagine?

i know her day of reckoning will come yet it wont' be with-me it'll be with herself. she even had the nerve to say tonight, ptsd what's that, the thing you have?? i don't know why it wasn't like you were abused your entire childhood it was just for a few years.........

 

[Jena]

you just gotta laugh sometimes at their lack of ability to go where we did mentally to get to where we are now mentally. which is well. unlike them. it takes nerve and courage to face your demons and you did it and so did i. we truly are amazing ppl!!! my mom will never face her issues she can't handle it

 

[BusynMember]

Wow. She sounds like she is baiting you.

I'm not sure I'd have much to do with her if she can't be pleasant.

 

[Hound dog]

Next time, tell her. You are both adults. It may be majorly theraputic for you to do so, and hearing it may help her to chose what she says a bit more wisely.

I'll stop my Mom mid sentence when she does this sort of thing and confront her. I don't do it in a mean way, but I most certainly correct her. Often it makes her mad, oh well. She doesn't bait me anymore, or at least rarely now.

Hugs

 

[goldenguru]

I'm sorry Jena. There is a part of all of us that still needs/desires our mom.

A few years ago I confronted my mom. In particular - about a few instances of physical abuse. She replied (a direct quote mind you) "You deserved it". Defense mechanisms at their finest.

My mom is in her mid 60's - and honestly I don't think she gets the whole MI thing. I wonder if it's a generational thing. Because I see the same thing in my in laws.

It's sad.

 

[Kjs]

I am sorry your conversation turned that way. I am second guessing every decision I make these days when it comes to my kids.

However - I wish I had my mother to talk to. And again, I had a good life growing up. Just was a child of older parents. A "second family" as my siblings are much older than I.

I hope you and your mother can find common ground to talk, and mutual agreement what not to talk about.

Hope things improve. My easy child doesn't believe in any MI. Thinks it is all made up and stated that I made difficult child the way he is. And I am tending to believe him.

 

[hearts and roses]

The next time you're thinking of her and want her to know it, just send her a nice card and leave it at that. Why go in for the bait. And if you do speak with her, don't give her an opportunity to drag you down by asking her what she thinks!!!

Hugs, I know it's hard.

 

[ctmom05]

Jena,

I visited this post to respond, having spent a lot of time crafting a reasonable relationship with my parents.

I don't really need to say much or offfer any advice. I like what Jo said, I second all of it!

 

[Shari]

My inlaws beleive all that is wrong with difficult child is that I spoil him.

Yet Two Brooms asked this weekend if there's any chance difficult child 1's baby with "have something wrong with him, too?" I wanted to smack her. I wanted to say "only if he spoils it." And then I wanted to say "So you ADMIT something's not right with wee difficult child? CAuse you can't have it both ways." I just said I hoped not.

They don't have a clue. It might be a generation thing. Maybe not, too, these people won't even speak of an adopted child without prefacing it by saying such..."this is my nephew and their adopted child".

 

[trinityroyal]

Jena,
I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. I agree with Lisa that perhaps it's best for you to tell her. Even if it doesn't change the way she behaves, it will clear the air and give you the opportunity to take some of your power back.

A few things that used to work for me back in the day (before I gave myself a "parent-ectomy") were:

"Please do not ever raise that subject with me again."

"You may disagree with me, but it's my responsibility to do what's best for me. If your only input is going to be to undermine me, then please don't provide any further input"

"I refuse to discuss that with you."

"I know we disagree. Yelling or guilt is not going to change my position, so please stop."

All of these were said very very calmly, often with a slight smile. (I had to practice these phrases in the mirror for ages before I was able to say them calmly and with a slight smile)

It didn't shut my difficult child-mother up, but it sure did allow me to detach from her anger-dance. Learning that I didn't have to be upset just because she was, was one of the best and most significant life lessons I've ever learned.

Sending many gentle hugs.

Trinity

 

[1 Day At a Time]

Jena,

I'm sending hugs your way. I understand exactly where you are coming from. I heartily second Trinity. Trinity, your statements all are perfect - I hope I won't need to use any of them soon, but I'll keep them handy!

Valerie