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Arguments over car
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<blockquote data-quote="WiseChoices" data-source="post: 752631" data-attributes="member: 24254"><p>You guys were so right! We had a conversation, daughter and I, and things were looking better .I am leaving on my trip to Europe tonight and d. was supposed to go to school and then friend's house .She changed that plan the day before and was only going to go to friends and take her midterm at friend's college library online. </p><p></p><p>I had specifically requested that miles be kept down and that any driving in that local area to be handled by friend. Last night I used my car and all my things had been moved to trunk and car was decorated with daughter's things .She made space for passengers. </p><p></p><p>I confronted her and asked for honesty , something we had discussed in our talk the other day. She admitted to planning to not only take friend and her sister to friends college but also then driving my car another 30-40 min to another city to pick up friends boyfriend who does not have a car! I told her I would be recording the mileage and that I was disappointed.</p><p></p><p>I thought about the situation and came to the conclusion that I needed to set a strong consequence. So I told her this morning 4:30 am when she got up that she would not be using my car to go to friends at all because none of this was sitting right with me. I thought of you here on this board and what you would advise me to do . I especially thought of Busy and how right she had been all along! </p><p></p><p>I feared d. would be upset and that my last day at home before my trip would be difficult because of that. I feared her backlash. I stayed calm and focused on self differentiating. I have recently learned that my feelings of anxiety and fear of conflict are the dysfunctional family systems feelings not my personal ones .This thought helped me to detach and let the guilt go that I was being too harsh and punitive. </p><p></p><p>I was neutral with her all morning , not making any attempts to connect and "fix" anything, focused on me and my own happiness, answered any questions she had with calmness and even temper. No reason to be mad: she made a mistake and I applied my consequence. It is done.</p><p></p><p>She later wanted to talk, mostly about her feelings .I listened. She did say she messed up and that she was sorry and she did not want me to have bad feelings before my trip. That she was not a bad person. And I agreed: I said no, you are not a bad person, I am not holding anything against you, I have moved on, you made a mistake and that's what happens in life. We make mistakes and correct , make mistakes and correct and that is how we grow and learn. </p><p></p><p>All is well .</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WiseChoices, post: 752631, member: 24254"] You guys were so right! We had a conversation, daughter and I, and things were looking better .I am leaving on my trip to Europe tonight and d. was supposed to go to school and then friend's house .She changed that plan the day before and was only going to go to friends and take her midterm at friend's college library online. I had specifically requested that miles be kept down and that any driving in that local area to be handled by friend. Last night I used my car and all my things had been moved to trunk and car was decorated with daughter's things .She made space for passengers. I confronted her and asked for honesty , something we had discussed in our talk the other day. She admitted to planning to not only take friend and her sister to friends college but also then driving my car another 30-40 min to another city to pick up friends boyfriend who does not have a car! I told her I would be recording the mileage and that I was disappointed. I thought about the situation and came to the conclusion that I needed to set a strong consequence. So I told her this morning 4:30 am when she got up that she would not be using my car to go to friends at all because none of this was sitting right with me. I thought of you here on this board and what you would advise me to do . I especially thought of Busy and how right she had been all along! I feared d. would be upset and that my last day at home before my trip would be difficult because of that. I feared her backlash. I stayed calm and focused on self differentiating. I have recently learned that my feelings of anxiety and fear of conflict are the dysfunctional family systems feelings not my personal ones .This thought helped me to detach and let the guilt go that I was being too harsh and punitive. I was neutral with her all morning , not making any attempts to connect and "fix" anything, focused on me and my own happiness, answered any questions she had with calmness and even temper. No reason to be mad: she made a mistake and I applied my consequence. It is done. She later wanted to talk, mostly about her feelings .I listened. She did say she messed up and that she was sorry and she did not want me to have bad feelings before my trip. That she was not a bad person. And I agreed: I said no, you are not a bad person, I am not holding anything against you, I have moved on, you made a mistake and that's what happens in life. We make mistakes and correct , make mistakes and correct and that is how we grow and learn. All is well . [/QUOTE]
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