Arraignment for my Adult Son who is now in Jail.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by AngelsRus, Jan 2, 2007.

  1. AngelsRus

    AngelsRus New Member

    I am new here and on the General side I was directed to this side. The people on this site are incredible. I have read and re-read all the replies I got in the General forum over and over again for strength.

    Today my son's arraignment was via video at the courthouse. We could not see him, only the Judge could on the laptop in front of him. We could hear him though. Before it was his turn to be arraigned the Judge spoke to us and said he would not be lowering his bail from $10,500. I advised I did not want it lowered. Even if it was lowered, we would not have been able to bond him out. Then I felt guilty for saying I didn't want it lowered.

    He spoke with the Judge and said he was "friggin drunk". My son definitely knows better words to expess himself then that. He was respectful but completely acting as if he was the victim in this. He told the Judge that he thought it was our home and he was lost. That conflicts with what he has said to this point which is that he "doesn't remember anything". It seems as though he feels that since he can't remember, its not his fault!

    The Judge has scheduled his Preliminary hearing for Jan 4. My husband now has to take off another day from work. Since I am disabled, I am not able to park the car and walk without assistance.

    50% of me feels like he is where he needs to be. The other 50% feels like I need to get him home and guilty for not wanting him here because of the stress he causes constantly. I want to be a good mother and my husband doesn't understand my pity and feels I should realize what he is doing. It is so hard when you sit and think and know they are scared and thinking about you and home. But unfortunately he wasn't thinking about that when he was breaking into that vacant house.

    Thanks for listening. I appreciate and pray for all of you every day.

    Angels R Us
    :smile:
     
  2. jamrobmic

    jamrobmic New Member

    I also have a son who has bipolar and has decided he doesn't need medication. He's slowly turned back into Jeckyll and Hyde. I asked him last night if he can stay out of jail without medications, and he said yes, but I worry constantly that something will happen similar to what you're going through with your son.

    I know how draining all of this can be, never knowing what they're going to do next. I hope this is a wake up call for your son; unfortunately, when they're "adults," there isn't much we can do except let them discover for themselves (the hard way, of course) that they do need help. Hopefully they come to that conclusion before they do too much damage to themselves and everyone who cares about them.

    I'll keep a good thought for you and your son that he does see the light after this latest fiasco he's gotten himself into. by the way, I also know how easy it is to feel guilty when they get into trouble, because they don't want to be where their actions land them, and without medication, it's really hard for them to figure out it's their own fault. And it's hard to see them hurting, even if they did it to themselves. But you can't force treatment on someone, even if it's for their own good.
     
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome Angels

    (((((hugs))))))

    I figure you can use a few dozen of those right about now.

    The first thing that comes to mind is to detach, which of course is never easy and takes tons of practice. (I'm sure that was mentioned over in general lol) Your son is an adult. Not much you can do about his behavior, especially if he is refusing treatment either for his dxes or his drinking.

    I thank God each day that N is currently stable and realizes that her medications are necessary for her to function normally. And believe me I also pray that it stays that way as far as treatment and medications are concerned. Always in the back of my mind is that it could change in an instant.

    I understand your worry. I'm sure you've already gotten some great advice. Don't forget to take care of you. Your difficult child is an adult, a grown up. If you have trouble visualizing it, remember yourself at his age. (At 21 I'd been married 3 yrs and was pregnant with my 2nd child.) Sometimes it helps put it in perspective.

    ((((hugs))))
     
  4. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member

    Angels,

    Also sending gentle hugs to you... (((((((Angels))))))

    I totally understand the 50/50 split you are feeling. been there done that so many times. :biggrin:

    In my case it was completely taken out of my hands, and I learned so much about myself (and my difficult child) during that time. Seems it is out of your hands now too and although there is the pain in a mothers heart, please take this time to take care of you. Be nice to you. Our husband's (at least mine) handle things so differently than we do. Hard to understand but I sure appreciate it when I am not strong enough to deal with difficult child the way he should be dealt with. :frown:

    Praying that your difficult child learns from this... :smile:

    I just hate that word..."fricken"... heard a lot of it lately from my difficult child...makes my hair stand on end.. :wildone: but I guess it is better than the alternative. :biggrin:
     
  5. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Welcome to the site. I think we all have that 50/50 feeling when our children are away, whether it be jail, rehab, etc. Just keep thinking about how much better you feel when he's not living home. My difficult child has not lived home for 1 1/2 years now. Currently he lives in a soberhouse, but I have learned he can never live home. I have gotten to used to my peace and quiet and I don't deserve to ever live with that stress in my home again.
     
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Hi Angels- sounds like (unfortunately) you fit right in with the gang here. Most of us have been there done that to greater or lesser degrees but regardless you'll get a lot of support.

    Stay strong. The guilt comes with the territory but we are always working on acceptance and detachment. Check out our archives for some great detaching lines to use :cool: .

    Welcome!

    Suz
     
  7. judi

    judi Active Member

    Sending positive thoughts.
     
  8. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    truthfully, his actions have taken this out of your hands. let go and let God. perhaps this very situation will be the thing that is his wake up call.

    I know you want "normal" and want this to go away. in the past that has not worked for your son.

    we cannot help but love them and want to naturally rescue them. he will feel the pain and loneliness of his actions. it may be that pain that will save him in the future.
     
  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Hello and welcome, I too understand your emotional conflict. The thing is he is safe where he is and not using or boozing. Hopefully when he goes to trial he will be ready to ask for help. I am sure the PO will insist on some kind of substance abuse program before or after his release. Lets hope he uses this time for medatating on his life and actions. -RM
     
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the PE board. It's amazing the stories that the come up with, huh? If he thought he was at home, why did he have to break into a basement window to get into the house? If that's how he treats your house, I wouldn't want him home either.

    I'm glad that you are not posting bail for him. It's a big start towards letting him deal with the "natural consequences" of his actions. If he was "friggin drunk" I guess he needs to "frigging sober up". :wink: He will when he wants to and not one moment sooner.

    This is a big step for you towards letting him decide how when he wants to control his life. 21 year olds who have enough money to drink to excess have enough money to pay rent somewhere where no one will care whether they drink themselves into a blackout.
     
  11. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    Hi Angels,

    Just wanted to welcome you to this forum. At 21, your son is an adult and he needs to face up to what he did. I'm glad you asked the judge to not lower the bail. Your son needs to see the consequences of his actions.

    Hugs,
    Sue
     
  12. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Welcome, Angels R Us (cute name!)

    I agree with Witz on this one.

    It does no one any good for us to sympathize with (or listen to) the kids when they begin making the kinds of choices that lead to one hurtful consequence after another.
    It sometimes seems to me that we are punished right along with the kids, though we have not had a choice about the behaviors.

    We all teach our children not to do the things our difficult children do routinely.

    When the child is determined to go a wrong way, we blame ourselves.

    And we suffer.

    Instead of focusing on your son, try to use this time to make yourself stronger and healthier. Anything you can do to break the chain of thought will help. A hot bath, a movie ~ anything.

    If your son is refusing to accept responsibility for having done something wrong...that does not bode well.

    Maybe you could ask how he expects to change things if he refuses to acknowledge he has done anything wrong?

    Wishing you well, Angels.

    Barbara
     
  13. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    Hi and welcome. That 50/50 feeling is quite comfortable on this board. :wildone:

    Sorry that your difficult child is in such a mess. Holding good thoughts for all of you.
     
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