ARRESTED-Can anyone help?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Deni, Jan 27, 2009.

  1. Deni

    Deni New Member

    Hello All!
    I come to this wonderful group once again. I am really gonna try to keep this short but I am seeking help from others that might have gone through this.

    First I will start off by saying that I was finally able to get my difficult child on the waiting list for a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) about 2 hours from my house.

    This past Friday night my difficult child and difficult child 1 decided to run away. Besides the fact that neither of them were dressed appropriately for the cold weather and were out all night long, my difficult child had taken a new medicine(Trazadone) that night. In the past when difficult child took this medication, within a hour, difficult child would be passed out. My mom and I were so worried and wasn't even sure that they would not get into a car with someone to get somewhere. Before they ran away, there had not been any arguing or fighting so neither of us understood why they would do this. I won't get into alot of details unless someone wants me to. So I will say that the police had to be called out after we got home from picking them up from the police department. After the police left, difficult child and I were sitting on the couch talking...calmly, no yelling or arguing when difficult child "flipped"! I have seen him do alot of things but he went from being totally calm to throwing himself back hitting his head on the wall, standing up screaming and punching hisself in the face about 8-9 times before I was able to restrain him from doing any damage. While restraining, difficult child made the usual threats and wishes. He threatened to have me locked up(he knows this will cause problems at work bc I work for a police department) and he wishes I would die.

    The police had to be called back out when difficult child flipped and difficult child actually DID IT! difficult child told the officer that I hit him in the head and I got arrested! I am freakin devastated! I was arrested for the first time in my life for something I did NOT do. I was put on administrative leave at work. They have reinstated me to return to work, however, I am taking some time off because I just feel like I need some time to process all this. CPS was called and they placed difficult child in his father's care. My job is on the line at this point. If I get convicted of this charge, I automatically lose my job because I cannot have any convictions of family violence.

    I have not spoken to difficult child since then and other than wanting to ask why, I don't want to talk to him. I have already met with my attorney to sign over all my rights. I have given up everything for difficult child and he has abused me for the last couple of years and now this!

    If there is anyone that has gone through this, please contact me. I would like to talk to someone who might understand the feelings I am experiencing.

    Broken hearted & hurting,
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Deni, you need a lawyer.
    It's your son's word against yours.
    Don't let the system just send you into a pile of paperwork.
    I am, frankly, amazed that people in the dept. don't know of your previous issues with-your son, and haven't already reached out to help you. In our area, everyone knows everyone (6 degrees of separation, or less!) and the police figure things out pretty quickly.

    Wow, Deni, your son really does have a mood disorder. I am so sorry.

    Once you get out from under the legal issues and back to work (and you WILL get back to work--keep your chin up!) you are still going to have to deal with-your son.

    Is it possible that the Trazadone hit him that quickly?

    Are you on speaking terms with-your ex? What is his take on this? I'm hoping he can cooperate like a civilized human being instead of lording it over you.
  3. Deni

    Deni New Member

    I am trying to find a good civil law attorney at this time. My family law attorney cannot take the case because she is a judge in another municipal court.

    I came to work today and I will work tomorrow and then I will be taking some time off. I don't want to ever deal with my son again. I lived in fear most days and I can't live with the fear that he will have me locked up again.

    The officers at MY department do know the issues with my son but I don't live in the same city that I live in. I have 1 Sgt that is willing to go to court with me and I have all the documentation on difficult child and most of his hospitalizations.

    I don't know what went on with difficult child or why he did that. I have never seen him do that before. Could have been the medication, could have been that he drank an energy drink while he was out all night, could have been that he was awake for over 24 hours or maybe a combination of all the above. I just know it scared me to see him like that.

    No, me and dex are not on speaking terms. I did speak with him Sunday night and his comment to me was, "Now I have half the chance to fix what you f@*#ed up." I couldn't stand to talk to him any longer. Dex blames for me for everything and he says I got exactly what have deserved for a long time.
  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I'm so sorry. When a child reaches the level of violence and reactive behavior you son has, it is best that he is with ex. While I don't want to sound like I'm taking sides, hopefully your husband can do something with him. I would prefer that he is able to become stable, then to continue to escalate and do something that would impact the rest of his life. My hope is that you are able to get through your legal issues----review all you documentation, gather all witnesses, and believe in your innocence. You will be vindicated. Oh, and for good measure, I difficult child acts out a little for husband, so he knows exactly what you have been dealing with!
  5. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    My son told all manner of lies about me and ruined my reputation within my community but I was never arrested or investigated. There were instances where people driving by my house would curse at me and throw garbage onto my yard. I just went about my business and cleaned up the mess. Eventually they stopped.

    difficult child also eventually showed his true colors to the world. Since then most of my neighbors have realized that I am not the person my son said I was but there are still some folks that feel that difficult child is the way he is because of me. I don't let it affect me anymore. I and my close family and ftiends know the truth. That is really all that matters.

    I can from my experience say to you that you will get past the horror of this. Find a good lawyer gather all your documentation of difficult child's past violence and his diagnosis. Be prepared and don't be afraid to speak of his abuse. You no longer should be protecting him from the scrutiny of others. It is time to protect yourself. -RM
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. Sometimes our kids are just plain mean. I hope that in very short order he shows his true stripes to dex and dex calls you to come get him.

    with this level of violence toward you, it is NOT SAFE to have him live in your home. YOU deserve to be safe and feel safe.

    I admire you for continuing to go to work after they put you on leave, etc.... I am so glad one of your coworkers who is a cop is willing to stand up for you.

    This is so scary. I KNOW you will be vindicated, because your son won't be able to keep his lies straight and because the truth is on your side.

    Sending gentle hugs and TONS of support, Susie
  7. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    I've read about this type thing happening before. It's been a while back and their kids would be older now. You may want to cross-post this to the PE board.

    Ironically, I just posted to a new member that our difficult children can come up with-some whoppers.

    I'm so sorry. Along with-everything else, this must feel like such a betrayal.
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Deni, don't worry what ex thinks. He will see it within months, I suspect. Let him 'fix' your son. Ah, the beauty of ignorance!

    You just fight for yourself. Your son is taken care of and can not abuse you any longer. His choice. He made his choice and there are natural consequences to that choice.

    I am sorry for you.

  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Deni, I hope you got some sleep last night and that today proves fruitful in finding a lawyer.
    Sounds like your DEX and your son are two peas in a pod. I'm so sorry he is such a jerk.
    I think your son has used up his limit in your home.
  10. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I am so, so sorry!! I know you must be utterly devastated. I am very surprised they actually arrested you given the fact they had just left your house to deal with your out of control difficult child!!! Get as much documentation together as you can. Get letters from anyone you have ever dealt with regarding difficult child. Have them notorized!!!! I would imagine, once you get in front of the judge and have a chance to really explain what has been going on, that your son is mentally ill and you show the court your documents, hopefully things will turn out okay. I am so sorry!!!!

    My daughter has tried this, she has told the cops that my husband and my sister hit her. Meantime, she was punching my poor sister in the head!!! The cops have been to my house for my daughter so many times that they knew she was lying. Everytime she tried this it backfired on her and she was the one who ended up being taken out of the house!!!

    I know you are feeling so betrayed. All you have done for this kid and he has the nerve to have you arrested. I don't blame you for not wanting to talk to him. But try and remember he is ill. He does love you.

    Hang in there hun, the truth will come out.

    Keeping you in my prayers. (((HUGS)))
  11. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through. I hope today is a little more sane. I haven't been arrested via false accusations but my difficult child has lied/continues to lie to the counselors at his outpatient rehab, telling them husband and I are violent, that we pick fights and constantly threaten to kick him out, that we make his life h***, that we constantly drink in front of him and are alcoholics, etc.

    I took my huge binder of all difficult child's medical and school reports, his false accusations of abuse to the OCY, the many interventions we had for him, and excerpts from my journals recording his violent episodes over many years, and let the counselors read it. They were speechless.

    Your situation is much more serious and I'm so glad you have a police officer willing to vouch for you. If you have any records, journal entries, reports etc. on your son, gather them up. Write up your own recollection of exactly what happened that night. I hope, given your difficult child's history, that the judge will use common sense. Your difficult child may have had all sorts of street drugs on board by the time you brought him home that night, as well - any stimulant could result in behavior like that. Did the police drug test him? If not, your lawyer can point out that it should have been done. He had been running on the streets, you come and take him home, police have to be called out, then police are called out a second time ... doesn't sound like child abuse.

    I'm glad you're setting your boundaries and will keep yourself safe from now on. I'm so sorry. Sending hugs and encouragement, and many thoughts and prayers.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Okay first off - you're not alone and you DO have support right here as a Mom.

    I would imagine that IAD will come in and interview you regarding this matter if they are the ones that are investigating this? If so - I would take the time off that I have to put together a complete history with any papertrail type of evidence from school resource officers, to court, to your psychiatrist (have him sign a waiver to talk about difficult child) and include that in your history so that a call could be made FROM the IAD person to the psychiatrist regarding the difficulty of trying to parent your son.

    If you have gone to any school meetings and he got kicked out or suspened get THAT documentation, Get a list of ALL medications and WHY you have had your son on. Get your other son to write a statement about what it's like to live with your son.

    GIVE THEM (IAD) a copy of this. Also get into family court the minute you can get all that together and file what is called a petition of incorrigibility. This is better than severing your parental rights. It still gives you some sayso in any treatment. Right now you are mad, and hurt, and frustrated. In three years or ten years you dont' want regrets that your son would think (in his mind and no other) that the "trade off" was your job for him. He's sick and needs help. You need counseling too - this is abuse and no one should have to face that alone.

    Keep a copy of all the information you have - about your sons history and a time line - a time line is a GREAT tool for psychiatrists to help your son and know what has and has not worked. Include the start date that you noticed or suspected any behaviors out of the "said norm" and then treatments, medications, doctors, therapists, family counseling, etc. That's a great way to show courts and psychiatrists that YES I have tried to help this child and NO.....he isnt' just like he is because my x says I messed him up because I am a working Mother and didn't have time for him.

    BOLOGNA - there are tons of latchkey kids out there that have no parental supervision and listen to their parents -(mostly) so yeah - tell your x to take a long ride on the pity train now because come what my - you did your best and he'll time. They all do.

    Dont' sweat the small stuff -

    When your son goes to court this morning I'm sure he'll be offered a Public Defender. If you can get in to talk to them - give THEM a copy of that compilation or at least ASK them if there is a way that you can get the kid into that Residential Treatment Center (RTC) - ASAP instead of CPS /foster home or dads.

    He doesn't need to be at Dads - it's just a NEW place to go MESS UP and get into MORE trouble - he needs to be taken to base (no medications) observed by a trained staff and have a treatment plan in place to ensure he's getting the best help he can get and supervision. NOT going to get that at his dads.

    I'd use your cop like influences to get anyone to hear you about GETTING THAT KID INTO THE Residential Treatment Center (RTC) NOW.

    Hugs for the best -
    Deep breaths
  13. Deni

    Deni New Member

    Thanks for all the replies...

    Star-What is IAD? Are you referring to CPS(Child Protective Services)? If so, I have only talked to the caseworker that came out the night I was arrested. I gave her brief background on difficult child, including his hospitalizations, arrests, past behavior problems, medicines, etc. I also let her know that he was on probation at this time. I have not heard from them since and my attorney told me not to contact them, let them contact me. When they do, I will be more than happy to sign waivers for them to talk to psychiatrists, counselors, schools, officers, church, and anyone else I can think of. One of the psychiatrists he used to see before we transferred to different county told me that if I didn't get difficult child the right help, he would turn out to be suicidal or homicidal and she believed there was a good chance he would hurt me while I was asleep one night.
    My son didn't go to court though, I guess there was a misunderstanding somewhere. However, I do wonder how he is going to take testifying against me in court. Not thinking he will do so well but we will see. I agree with you about his dad's just being a new place to mess up but not sure I can do anything about that but I will bring it up in court.

    katya02-My difficult child has told many lies about me to many people, I never cared about that. But the fact that he lied and had me arrested and now I am facing my career being totally destroyed forever is way over the line with me. I am heart broken and sad but I am very upset with him as well. Thanks for your support! I will use some of my time off to sit down and type of his history from age 5 on. I never considered street drugs because I have never had a problem with drugs but anything is possible considering the very unusual behavior he displayed(i.e. blowing up for NO reason).

    bran155-I will never forget he is ill but I cannot take the chance he will pull this again. It is better that I don't have anything to do with him. It will take me a long time to get past this especially if I lose my job over this. I was already experiencing bad feelings toward him because of the abuse and I would fight that every day and go on. I loved him dearly, yet almost daily I heard how much he hated me and how unfair I was. I am gathering statements and such already for the court to show his psychotic behavior and disorders.

    TerryJ2-You could not have said a more true statement! Sounds like your DEX and your son are two peas in a pod. I think maybe my difficult child was with his father too long for me to be able to teach him the proper way to treat others.

    busywend-I am just waiting for the day that difficult child starts hitting on dex's wife. I have already told dex don't call me when it happens. She is only about 5'4" 115lbs. I am a pretty big lady and it takes everything I have to keep him off me. She will have no hope. difficult child is 6'2" 234lbs now.

    susiestar-While I don't think it will be me that dex calls when difficult child starts problems over there, I know he will. And he don't need to call me to come get him because dex and difficult child have sealed that deal. Also, I am sure there are several Officers that would stand up for me, my problem right now is that I am not suppose to discuss this matter with anyone. I will have to take everything through my Lt. but I plan on doing that as well. However, I had already spoken to my Sgt before I was told that I couldn't talk about this issue so he knows and has already volunteered to go to court with me.

    Again, thanks to everyone for the support. I will continue to try to take this one day at a time.

  14. Star*

    Star* call 911

    IAD is the police Internal Affairs Dept. Thought you were a cop. Sorry 'bout that.

    I'm confused. You called the police on your son because of his behavior and YOU alone got arrested? WOW. If the police had been there TWICE that night - WHY in the world didn't they arrest HIM? OR at the least take him into custody at a psychiatric. hospital for observation?
  15. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Deni: how awful! I read your thread earlier and have thought about what do I know about that may help you. Here is an idea...there are domestic violence family shelters and even if there isn't one near you I suspect you maybe able to reach someone by phone who can help support you through this with meaningful insight and so forth.

    If there is any merit to your arrest I am wondering if YOUR PROTECTION was the thinking behind the officers action that night? It is just so outlandish that you were arrested when your children had been runaways and so forth.

    Given that you have extended family living together and these types of behavior issues I honestly feel that there is very worthy avenues of help in the family violence shelter system. You do need the tools to manage this family and when violence is part of a family system getting very clear as to what is what does empower change to learn new behavior and to teach appropriate behavior.
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Hi, Deni. I remember you from some time ago. Like everyone here I am really sorry that you are going through this experience. I strongly support the need to document your difficult children history.

    Two more suggestions. Document your activities from the time of the incident. It may come in handy for you and/or your attorney. For example it would be good to have an entry showing you spoke with Sgt.X at such & such time then later on had a meeting with Lt.Y who then told you not to speak to anyone. Keep the record of your choices to yourself but have it to cover yourself just in case Ex says you called his house or drove by or'll have entries showing what in truth you were doing at that time. It may sound paranoid but it sounds like you need the maximum protection from at least two "loose cannons". Record calls made and received from any and all involved too. If you go to a group or a counseling session, document that too as proof of your efforts.

    Secondly, if your telephone doesn't already record incoming calls and take messages that are also recorded by time a new answering machine. It may be important to have proof that your Ex called or difficult child called or ???

    Feel free to post frequently too ease the stress. We will all be here for you. DDD
  17. Deni

    Deni New Member

    Star- O ok. Sorry I didn't make that connection. I work for a small police department so we don't actually have an IAD. There is a Lt that does all the Internal Affairs Investigations. I am not an officer though. I am a 911 operator/police dispatcher. My police department is not so much concerned with whether or not I hit him because like I said, most of them know how my son is. The Lt that does the investigations has actually had to come out to my house in the past before I moved to deal with my son so he knows the situation. The problem is that I cannot have access to our system where we run people, cars and other items if I have a conviction of family violence. Therefore, if I am convicted, I am no use to the department because I would not even be allowed in dispatch.
    They only arrested me. They only took him into custody to transport him to the police dept for CPS to come get and then they ended up contacting his father to take custody of him. He was not evaluated at all!!!

    I think I should have added one comment to my original post...The officer that came out the second time is an Officer that I made a complaint on to his chief after he responded to a disturbance call at my house in Sept 2008 where difficult child was literally punching my legs while he had his head between my calves in an attempt to make me fall and re-injure my ankle. I complained on him then because he didn't want to do anything to my son and then turned around and told me that I was not allowed to restrain my difficult child from hitting me, himself or from destroying my property or he would arrest me. I really feel this was the Officer's way of getting me back and Donnie knew that this Officer for some reason didn't want to believe anything I said before, so why would he believe me now?
  18. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh! I remember when you posted that. I sounds so familiar.
    Sheesh. I hope things get straightened out this time.
  19. compassion

    compassion Member

    Can you hire an attorney? One that is experinced with civil law and mentally ill? That is what we did .
    It is too bad how we get put under the wringer when trying to get help for our ill loved ones. This summer, difficult child was what I now know was manic delusional/psycotic when she kept stealing our cars. I called and the cop looked at my somewaht dirty home (she kept runing away: things were in chaos) and he goes I would run away too. They called CPS. It was so stressful. I ended up Baker acitng her 3 days later. I would not let the investigoros in until I hired cleaners. He actually quickly sided with me, saying I had down aan incredible job with her. Nothing came of it but it was stressful. Dealing with that at the same tiem she was in phosiptal,dealign with criminal charges,etc.
    My difficult child thratens this many tiems and I am super careful not to react becasue I know the law, and we also live in the South, we will get arrested. Her illness is now very well documented but I donot want to get put in tha tpositon. Compassion
  20. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I remember reading that post as well. That cop should take your son home and deal with him himself. Maybe then he would see just how this is!!!

    I am so sorry!!