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<blockquote data-quote="Stress Bunny" data-source="post: 622916" data-attributes="member: 4855"><p>MWM - Thanks for your response. I am just sitting here at the computer, as I can't seem to figure out what else to do with myself. I am worried sick about my husband, driving up there and dealing with this alone. I am at home with our youngest, who, mercifully, doesn't know.</p><p></p><p>Yes, we know the bio family. Birthmom lost parental rights after years of attempted interventions by DHS. She was extremely neglectful, lived in horrendously unsanitary conditions, left her children alone and unsupervised as infants/toddlers, and ultimately, abandoned them. She did have an alcohol problem at some point, and I know she has smoked cigarettes, and she is incapable of housekeeping of any sort. She has managed to hold numerous low-level jobs over the years. </p><p></p><p>JT lived with a variety of caregivers as an infant, due to his BMom's constant absence. He stayed the longest with an aunt, who eventually realized BMom was not coming back, and this aunt couldn't raise him. So, he ended up with us in foster care, and we wanted very much to adopt him after a couple of years living with us. The adoption was finalized when he was four. </p><p></p><p>Growing up, JT did not have much contact with his bio family, however, he has seen them on occasion as an adult, including his half brother, who is four years older and much lower functioning than JT and still living with bio mom. It's not a good situation. Nothing has really changed in terms of their living conditions, and bio mom's husband (not JT's father) passed away in an accident a number of years ago. But I have never spoken poorly of his bio mom to him or discouraged him from having contact as an adult.</p><p></p><p>About genetics, JT lives like a complete slob in the same sorts of conditions as his bio family. Even his truck is full of food garbage and is very unsanitary. This is interesting considering we raised him in a very clean home. Also, he exhibits the same lack of cause-and-effect thinking that his bio mom has and refusal to accept responsibility for his actions. He doesn't learn from experience. He is very stubborn and strong-willed like his bio mom too. He is not cooperative or teachable. Never has been. And, so often he is just unable or unwilling to modify his behavior to meet expectations in his jobs, relationships, or school settings. I don't know the extent of JT's current alcohol and drug use. He operates equipment at work, and they did drug test him. I'm not sure if they do that regularly or not. </p><p></p><p>I see that you understand the special sort of heartbreak involved with this. I'm sorry for the pain you have surely experienced with all of that. How sad and difficult this really is. </p><p></p><p>I hadn't thought about seeking counseling for us. That shows how much I am focused on difficult child, versus the toll this is taking on us. I think I will seek out something. This has just been so difficult. It would really help to talk to other parents who understand. This board is really helpful.</p><p></p><p>I also very much want to shelter our youngest from the toxic behavior of our oldest.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Stress Bunny, post: 622916, member: 4855"] MWM - Thanks for your response. I am just sitting here at the computer, as I can't seem to figure out what else to do with myself. I am worried sick about my husband, driving up there and dealing with this alone. I am at home with our youngest, who, mercifully, doesn't know. Yes, we know the bio family. Birthmom lost parental rights after years of attempted interventions by DHS. She was extremely neglectful, lived in horrendously unsanitary conditions, left her children alone and unsupervised as infants/toddlers, and ultimately, abandoned them. She did have an alcohol problem at some point, and I know she has smoked cigarettes, and she is incapable of housekeeping of any sort. She has managed to hold numerous low-level jobs over the years. JT lived with a variety of caregivers as an infant, due to his BMom's constant absence. He stayed the longest with an aunt, who eventually realized BMom was not coming back, and this aunt couldn't raise him. So, he ended up with us in foster care, and we wanted very much to adopt him after a couple of years living with us. The adoption was finalized when he was four. Growing up, JT did not have much contact with his bio family, however, he has seen them on occasion as an adult, including his half brother, who is four years older and much lower functioning than JT and still living with bio mom. It's not a good situation. Nothing has really changed in terms of their living conditions, and bio mom's husband (not JT's father) passed away in an accident a number of years ago. But I have never spoken poorly of his bio mom to him or discouraged him from having contact as an adult. About genetics, JT lives like a complete slob in the same sorts of conditions as his bio family. Even his truck is full of food garbage and is very unsanitary. This is interesting considering we raised him in a very clean home. Also, he exhibits the same lack of cause-and-effect thinking that his bio mom has and refusal to accept responsibility for his actions. He doesn't learn from experience. He is very stubborn and strong-willed like his bio mom too. He is not cooperative or teachable. Never has been. And, so often he is just unable or unwilling to modify his behavior to meet expectations in his jobs, relationships, or school settings. I don't know the extent of JT's current alcohol and drug use. He operates equipment at work, and they did drug test him. I'm not sure if they do that regularly or not. I see that you understand the special sort of heartbreak involved with this. I'm sorry for the pain you have surely experienced with all of that. How sad and difficult this really is. I hadn't thought about seeking counseling for us. That shows how much I am focused on difficult child, versus the toll this is taking on us. I think I will seek out something. This has just been so difficult. It would really help to talk to other parents who understand. This board is really helpful. I also very much want to shelter our youngest from the toxic behavior of our oldest. [/QUOTE]
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