Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by bluebell, Apr 8, 2014.

  1. bluebell

    bluebell Member

    It's been a bad day all day. difficult child arrested for pot at the park behind our house. I noticed them towing his friends car and of course I knew. husband has gone to pick him up, they've set yet another juvie court date... Sigh..,,

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  2. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    So sorry, Bluebell. Keep us updated.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. Talk to us more if you feel you want to. Otherwise, try to look for a little bit of peace and serenity today. You will get through this.
  4. Stress Bunny

    Stress Bunny Active Member

    bluebell, so sorry to hear of what you are going through. I understand the range of emotions - from anger and resentment to guilt and sadness. Our oldest was recently jailed for underage drinking and distributing alcohol to minors.

    I will say that worrying and ruminating are not helpful because you cannot control the situation. Your time is best spent taking good care of yourself and the rest of your family. I hope your son gets the help he needs. You are in our thoughts and prayers. Know that you're not alone.
  5. bluebell

    bluebell Member

    It is no big deal, mom. Happens all the time. Nah, because you will have no consequences yet again. I will be the one who has to pay for the lawyer and take time off of work. I know I am responsible, but can't he go dig a ditch or something? Does it always have to be me and only me that pays? This is definitely part of the problem.

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  6. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Ouch, I am hurting for you Bluebell. What are your options, other than stepping in for another round?
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry Bluebell. Do you know about NAMI? The National Alliance on Mental Illness? They have chapters everywhere and can be accessed online. I have found their parent courses to be very helpful.

    Do you have other supports in place for YOU? Therapy? Parent groups? It is SO very helpful to make sure we take care of US along the way, it is exhausting and depleting and it fills us with resentments because we end up holding the bag so often. I hear you. One way to balance all of that out is to make sure you are taken care of. Get massages, have your nails done, go out to dinner with your husband and your girlfriends. Go for a long walk in a beautiful area. Make sure you are manufacturing JOY in your life...................we matter as much as our kids do.

    Hang in there Bluebell. We're all here. You're not alone. Sending a big hug............
  8. bluebell

    bluebell Member

    Yes, I looked up NAMI but there are no classes here. I'll keep checking back. Thanks for your encouraging words. Today is a better day.
  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Oh Bluebell, there must be something in the air with both of our difficult children getting arrested in the past week. I am so sorry. Wow, it is such an elevator ride to the bottom when this happens....again.

    Bluebell, are you going to Al-Anon? That is another great resource and one that has literally saved me over the past four years of this journey with difficult child.

    I am glad your post above says that this is a better day for you. For me, too.

    We just have to, have to keep moving forward bluebell. I know your son is about 7 years younger than mine, and now mine is a legal adult. I am sure you are doing all you can to keep his record as clean as possible with attorneys, etc.

    If this keeps on (and I pray it does not), you can rethink that. I finally had to. Now my son has multiple misdemeanors and two felonies for selling drugs. It was unthinkable to me four years ago. I would have never imagined this and I'm just glad we don't know the future.

    You can and will get through this. I am praying that he gets some help now. Before he turns 18. Before you have to keep on doing and doing this.

    If that isn't going to happen successfully any time soon, it's time to think about YOU.

    Please check into Al-Anon. I am praying for you all. Hugs and blessings today.
  10. bluebell

    bluebell Member

    Com, I had to find your post, I didn't realize your son was arrested this week. I too- got/get/will get physically dizzy when these crises occur. That can't be good for us.

    I am not really worried about his 'record' really. His first and worst charge in 8th grade was a weapon at school charge and he will never live it down. At least not as long as he keeps piling misdemeanor drug charged on top of it. And he is hell-bent on that. It's just that I 'have' to foot the bill since he is a minor. Believe me I've tried everything to make him in some way responsible and this system fights me every step of the way. I need him to turn 18, it just can't come fast enough. 5 months tomorrow...
    He is worried about what could happen this time and keeps asking us what we think they will do in court. Of course we assume just probation as always but this could be the one time he has a consequence? My husband is being way too nice to him and it's driving me nuts. They have some kind of strange love/anger relationship that is exhausting me. And they say women are more emotional ;)
    My thoughts are with you com as we both try to regain our equilibrium...

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  11. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    I am so sorry, Bluebell. It is so painful to watch them make mistakes after we have advised them otherwise. As a know-it-all teen, my difficult child thought we knew absolutely nothing and she is just now realizing how much trouble, heartache, and anguish could have been spared in her life if she had just heeded some of our advice. One day at a time.
  12. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Bluebell, I hope it helps to know that others here have experienced just what you are now experiencing. That actually gives me so much comfort and support.

    We hired lawyers for the first few times. Then we stopped and now public defenders are what he gets. One of my friends is married to an attorney and one day she "sat me down" and gave me a big talk about how wrong I was for not hiring an attorney every time.

    She meant well, and I love her, but really?

    This last time I broke tradition and contacted a friend who is an attorney who called in a favor and got my difficult child a defense attorney, since he was in rehab and we wanted him to stay there, even though he had to come back here to court on a probation violation. The defense attorney said he would just charge difficult child $25 a month and they would work it out. I met with both of the attorneys and they were very giving and caring and supportive to me.

    For nothing. Before difficult child got back here to court, he failed a drug test in rehab and got kicked out. For the second time at the same rehab.

    He got back here (due to my buying him a bus ticket) after being homeless in another city over Christmas and the attorneys, District Attorney and judge presented difficult child with the chance to go to rehab again. The District Attorney here in my county is a good friend of my ex-husband. He "wanted to help difficult child." difficult child said no. So he served his time in jail, and now has "language" which means if you get arrested again, you're going to prison for the full term. He got out of jail Feb. 14 and last Wednesday got arrested for stealing $94 worth of merchandise from Walmart. Food, beer and an xbox controller. He says he was "hungry."

    So my point here is this, bluebell. If there is no commitment to change from difficult child, we are basically throwing our money down the toilet.

    I have been there done that. Too many times.

    I have decided. I HAVE DECIDED, Bluebell, that I am not going to go bankrupt, to the proverbial poor house, jeopardize my own future, my own sanity, my own emotional health, my own happiness, my own life....even for my precious son who is still not taking responsiblity for his own life.

    If I ever see him doing that in a believable manner, I will help him again.

    But until then, I am limiting my involvement with him and working so freakin' hard to be loving, supportive and encouraging when I do have contact with him, while telling him the truth as I see it, if and when I am asked.

    I am carving out a new path with him for myself.

    I talked with my sweet mother yesterday who has been very upset about difficult child's latest arrest. We both said it took us a few days to regain our equilibrium. She wanted to tell me about several friends of hers and people in our own family who have spent YEARS AND YEARS dealing with difficult children. These people are now in their 70s and still running around like chickens with their heads cut off, dealing with their own failing health, and then the constant crises of their difficult children. There is never enough to give. The difficult children just keep taking and taking and taking, with all kinds of chaos and drama and very real situations. There is always something. And they expect their parents and their siblings and their significant others and their ex-husbands and whomever they can corral to just keep on handing out to them.

    One just totaled her car. Again.
    One had a seizure last week.
    One's son is now in a military boarding school, paid for by her sister and her husband. He had an offer of a job there for the summer. But no, he wants to come home. And his difficult child mother, who has no skin in the game because her sister paid the freight, is saying, okay, honey just come on home. History is sadly and sickeningly repeating itself in this particular family.

    Why? in my humble opinion, because people didn't say no a long, long, long time ago. And they don't say no today. Because of the disease of addiction and other mental illnesses.

    I do believe people do the best they can. We all do. We struggle so hard with what to do and what not to do. This brings us completely to our knees. I have compassion for us and for them.

    But once we know better and we study this, and we listen to hundreds and hundreds of stories and what happened---and realize that the patterns are exactly the same, and we read books and become informed, and we do and do and do and do and finally realize none of that doing ever did anything good, THEN we have a responsibility to ourselves, at the very least, to do better. And to our difficult children.

    Today I can clearly see that if I take over the daily responsibilities for my son that he should be doing for himself, I am completely robbing him of a chance at a real life. I might as well be killing him myself.

    Your son is younger, Bluebell. I am not suggesting you should do any of the same things I did or am doing. Only you can decide what works for you and your family. This is the saddest and most frustrating thing in the world, what we are doing, and I do believe we grow from it. But it is hard.

    Hugs and peace and blessings to you today. Keep posting. Let's keep talking. It helps so much.
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  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Bluebell I just came across this post, I usually hang out in the Substance Abuse forum but just stopped by and read this. I haven;t read any of your other posts but from this one I can tell you it brought me right back to when my daughter was 17. The summer between elementary and high school she met kids from the high school that smoked pot and that was the beginning of about seven years of h*ll. I can't tell you how many times she was charged with disorderly conduct, delinquency, underage drinking, drug use, etc.

    I lost count of how many times we had to go to juvenile court with her. We too had to hire an attorney each time and pay the fines. My husband is an attorney so he wouldn't let her go to court without one, but we never tried to get her out of consequences and were hoping something the court did would make an impression on her. Each time they read the history and talked to the prosecutor and defense attorney and they told us that we were doing as good a job if better than they could so they left her in our supervision. Great thanks magistrate. One time was different. Our attorney who happend to go to law school with husband and was very aware of how hard we were trying to turn her around, spoke with the magistrate unbenown to us, and when her case came up the magistrate ordered her into detention for the weekend. I was out of town with my other daughter at the time and my husband called to tell me. My knees buckled and I cried. He described how she had to take off her jewelry and belt and she hugged him and had tears in her eyes.

    When my husband picked her up early Monday morning she was different. For an entire year things seemed fine. And then they began to escalate. Her drinking and pot use became frequent and her grades were awful and she cut school and hung out with all the druggies. It got worse, she lost jobs, stole money from us, stayed out all night many times, and was having sex with any guy that she could.

    When she turned 18 we kicked her out of the house. She came back several times and promised to do better but never did. We gave her a choice of going into treatment or finding another place to live. She chose treatment, Came home after 60 days and relapsed. We kicked her out again and three months later she entered a sober living house. She stayed for six months and got her own apartment and continued drinking and smoking pot until she was homeless and starving. For whatever reason I still don't understand, she finally turned her life around. She stopped smoking pot and drank much less. She got a job and moved in with a guy she met who is now her boyfriend and she is doing well.

    difficult child traded going to college and getting a good job and becoming financially secure for few years of drunken/high fun. She knows that now. She will be living with those consequences for many many years.

    The only thing that got me through those years was this board and my wonderful husband. I am sorry you are going through this. What should be the best time of your son's life is being spend making some decisions that he may not be able to get out of. I hope he wakes up and sees that the kids he is hanging with are losers and everyone doesn't do it and if he contines to do it when he is 18 the consequences will be a lot tougher.
  14. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member


    I want to add my condolences, as well. Five more months, five more months, five more months....and in the meantime, maybe something will click. It does become so much easier to maintain sanity when the difficult child is no longer living at home.

    It is true, how many stories we read that sound way too familiar. And, after they turn 18, their arrests turn up in Google searches. I doubt my 32 year old son ever gets a decent job. It's just to easy to find out some of the stupid stuff he has done. He earned his degree a year ago (took him about ten years, off and on), but for what? His record will trump that degree.
  15. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    So I'm working tomorrow for another nurse who is bringing her 30 something year old son to court yet again...She's supporting him and his son...She's lost her house, been evicted from rentals, is deeply in debt. Rumor has it that she was providing transportation for his illegal activities and she may be implicated. It's just so sad.

    As one of our posters says (I think it's TryAgain): Let go, or be dragged.
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  16. bluebell

    bluebell Member

    Amen, it's why I'm here. So as NOT to be dragged once he becomes an adult. Will post more later, crazy week...

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  17. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    My 17 year old son is in the juvenile system. He will be there for at least a year. I am saddened by his choices. I am relieved that he is not at home. I am going about my life and learning to love and care about myself.

    We can love our children, but we don't have to be sucked down the rabbit hole with them.
  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So sorry this happened but like others have said, many of us have been there done that. I have. I never got my son a lawyer. He could deal with public defender's or go it alone. I would have never paid.

    I know some states do make the parents responsible for the cost of fines and such but thankfully NC doesnt. I dont even think they give fines to juveniles. They have other consequences. If I had to pay for all the things he has done I would have had to give him to the state.
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  19. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Hey-hope you are feeling better today. There is an amazing amount of wisdom and strength available on this forum-it has been such a great source for me for the past few crazy months since my difficult child's suicide attempt. So please post how everything is going for you.
  20. bluebell

    bluebell Member

    Hello, I'm back! Rather than start a new thread I'll continue this one since I'm not a regular and people may not remember my story. difficult child snuck in an hour after curfew last night and husband went to check on him and there was some drunk kid 'writhing' (this is what husband said, I'm not really able to picture it) on his floor. I guess difficult child wasn't even going to ask, and it was a weeknight and that's against 1 of his 4 rules to have friends on weeknights. So husband wanted him gone and difficult child wasn't having it, husband kicked the kid out (kid was so drunk I had to lead him to the door) and an argument ensued. difficult child went totally ballistic,calling us all POS, took his shirt off and started pushing us around, left for a while and came back demanding to know what was going to happen to him. Unfortunately, my husband slapped him when he grabbed daughter. He's never been violent with her and it threw him for a loop. So we couldn't call the cops, they'd haul husband away again and this time it would be a felony (he detained him back in August and got a DA charge for marks). I'm so mad at husband - he cannot control himself, I know he thinks he is but he CANNOT TOUCH HIM. PERIOD. We told him nothing would happen - what do we have to take from him and we obviously have lost complete control of him - we are on a waiting game till 18 when we can get a restraining order. We also told him if he follows the rules and respects us what he can expect. He raged until 4am. While I was working all night on an IT project that I've been up for three days straight and trying to get systems up for Monday morning. I begged him to let me concentrate, he just raged about how I am a sellout. It's madness I tell you.

    Who does this? Who kicks their son's drunk 18 year old friend out on the street and tells their kid they are getting a restraining order for them on their 18th birthday? I cannot believe this is my life.

    On a positive note, last week he passed 3 of 4 of his GED tests - supposed to take math Thursday. Of course, he didn't study at all, so I can't say it was hard work that resulted in the passes. He's just smart and had to show up. It's hard to congratulate someone for something they didn't work for. But of course he is demanding something for that too. His juvenile intake for the possession is tomorrow. I guess we're supposed to go stick up for him again. Or else he will terrorize us when we get home. We are supposed to go on vacation on May 10th. It has been paid for, I'm wondering how in the world we possibly can?