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General Parenting
Asperger's and lying
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 400420" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>It is a common problem, but not 100%. difficult child 1 could not mentally multi-task. That is a real problem in a lot of areas, but with lying it complicated his life because to lie successfully, you ned to be able to mentally plan. Part of that planning is being able to 'head off' the possible consequences.</p><p></p><p>The reasons for lying, especially in Aspies, are fear and anxiety. The fear of IMMEDIATE consequences "the teacher will be angry if I tell her I forgot to do my homework - I'd better tell her the dog ate it" is greater than the fear of lying. Over time, hopefully, they learn that lying doesn't work for them because they always get caught. But you have to make the consequences for lying hit them every time, and be greater than the consequences of telling the truth to begin with. It takes time because the fear in the immediate moment can be so intense, but if you can reduce this fear "I won't punish you if you tell me the truth" and at the same time try to actively work constructively to resolve the main problem "I realise you forgot to do your homework because you are not good at personal organisation. Let's see what we can put in place to help you, or perhaps let's not give you homework for a while, you don't really need it anyway" and over time, the lying should decrease.</p><p></p><p>You need to look at this always as a see-saw (or teeter-totter, whatever you call them). Truth is in one seat, lies in the other. Anxiety is standing on the top in the middle, applying pressure this way or that. Look for the anxiety pressure and see which direction it is driving the child. Examine the anxiety, work to resolve it, and any lies will rapidly be exposed. Punish the lying, but not the reason for anxiety.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 400420, member: 1991"] It is a common problem, but not 100%. difficult child 1 could not mentally multi-task. That is a real problem in a lot of areas, but with lying it complicated his life because to lie successfully, you ned to be able to mentally plan. Part of that planning is being able to 'head off' the possible consequences. The reasons for lying, especially in Aspies, are fear and anxiety. The fear of IMMEDIATE consequences "the teacher will be angry if I tell her I forgot to do my homework - I'd better tell her the dog ate it" is greater than the fear of lying. Over time, hopefully, they learn that lying doesn't work for them because they always get caught. But you have to make the consequences for lying hit them every time, and be greater than the consequences of telling the truth to begin with. It takes time because the fear in the immediate moment can be so intense, but if you can reduce this fear "I won't punish you if you tell me the truth" and at the same time try to actively work constructively to resolve the main problem "I realise you forgot to do your homework because you are not good at personal organisation. Let's see what we can put in place to help you, or perhaps let's not give you homework for a while, you don't really need it anyway" and over time, the lying should decrease. You need to look at this always as a see-saw (or teeter-totter, whatever you call them). Truth is in one seat, lies in the other. Anxiety is standing on the top in the middle, applying pressure this way or that. Look for the anxiety pressure and see which direction it is driving the child. Examine the anxiety, work to resolve it, and any lies will rapidly be exposed. Punish the lying, but not the reason for anxiety. Marg [/QUOTE]
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