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Asperger's and lying
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<blockquote data-quote="trinityroyal" data-source="post: 400497" data-attributes="member: 3907"><p>My difficult child lies all the time, to the point where I have told him that I don't believe anything he says without independent verification from a source he can't influence, very much like Susiestar's father did with Wiz. difficult child is very bad at lying, but he does it anyway. His reasons seem to boil down to the following:</p><p></p><p>1. Self aggrandizement. He doesn't think his real knowledge or accomplishment is enough, so he makes up something he thinks will impress people. Sadly, because of his skewed social understanding, the things he makes up often make him look bad and make others think ill of him.</p><p>2. Grief avoidance. If he thinks he will get in trouble for something, he will lie about it. He can't see past the trouble he thinks he's in to recognize the trouble he will get into from lying. This applies to things that he wouldn't get into trouble for in the first place, as well as rule breaking. Again, related to his skewed understanding.</p><p>3. He thinks the only way he'll get permission is to lie. Instead of asking for what he wants directly, he thinks that he has to make up a reason why he needs something. "It's an emergency" is a common statement when he's doing this.</p><p></p><p>Now I, I can lie. And very well too. But I can only do it in the right context, and if the payoff is worth it. So...I can play Balderdash (that game where you make up plausible but false definitions for words), very well, because I like playing with language and the payoff is worth it. But telling a lie to get out of trouble, or for self-aggrandizement, or for the other reasons that difficult child does it...I'm just as bad at it as he is, so I just don't bother. Now, I don't have the impulse control problem that difficult child has, in fact, I have the opposite. Sometimes I get stuck back in my head somewhere thinking about things, playing situations out in my head, to the point where I lose the thread of what's going on around me.</p><p></p><p>Terry, I wonder if your difficult child's impulse control issues, grandiosity and the 3 reasons I stated above for my difficult child's lies are working in your difficult child too. There's no easy answer for this, and the loss of trust is heartbreaking. Sadly, I don't believe that I'll ever be able to trust my difficult child.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="trinityroyal, post: 400497, member: 3907"] My difficult child lies all the time, to the point where I have told him that I don't believe anything he says without independent verification from a source he can't influence, very much like Susiestar's father did with Wiz. difficult child is very bad at lying, but he does it anyway. His reasons seem to boil down to the following: 1. Self aggrandizement. He doesn't think his real knowledge or accomplishment is enough, so he makes up something he thinks will impress people. Sadly, because of his skewed social understanding, the things he makes up often make him look bad and make others think ill of him. 2. Grief avoidance. If he thinks he will get in trouble for something, he will lie about it. He can't see past the trouble he thinks he's in to recognize the trouble he will get into from lying. This applies to things that he wouldn't get into trouble for in the first place, as well as rule breaking. Again, related to his skewed understanding. 3. He thinks the only way he'll get permission is to lie. Instead of asking for what he wants directly, he thinks that he has to make up a reason why he needs something. "It's an emergency" is a common statement when he's doing this. Now I, I can lie. And very well too. But I can only do it in the right context, and if the payoff is worth it. So...I can play Balderdash (that game where you make up plausible but false definitions for words), very well, because I like playing with language and the payoff is worth it. But telling a lie to get out of trouble, or for self-aggrandizement, or for the other reasons that difficult child does it...I'm just as bad at it as he is, so I just don't bother. Now, I don't have the impulse control problem that difficult child has, in fact, I have the opposite. Sometimes I get stuck back in my head somewhere thinking about things, playing situations out in my head, to the point where I lose the thread of what's going on around me. Terry, I wonder if your difficult child's impulse control issues, grandiosity and the 3 reasons I stated above for my difficult child's lies are working in your difficult child too. There's no easy answer for this, and the loss of trust is heartbreaking. Sadly, I don't believe that I'll ever be able to trust my difficult child. [/QUOTE]
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