Asperger's in half-brothers....should I tell Bio-father?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by whateveryousay2007, Apr 4, 2008.

  1. whateveryousay2007

    whateveryousay2007 New Member

    I found out some interesting information last night and I was wanting some advice on what I should do. First off my difficult child has Aspergers Syndrome and since April is Autism month my mother was watching Larry King Live. He noted that several women who bought sperm had children with autism and they linked it back to one donor.

    My mom raised the question if my difficult child's half-brother had it too?

    So, I thought about it for a moment and made a phone call.

    A little history.....

    My ex-hubby cheated on me while I was 5 months pregnant. I found out and kicked him out. Filed for divorce and told him cya later. Come to find out the girl thought he was divorced (his family was lying to her...and she was kind of young and naive). She knew I was pregnant. She was pregnant. Once she found out that we were still married she left him and moved back home.

    After her baby was born we started talking on the phone and agreed that we would keep in contact. I never blamed her, he was the one that knew he was married.

    So....now here's the situation

    It's been awhile since we talked and I mentioned that mine had ADD but after further testing he was also diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. She told me she knew what it was because her difficult child had ADD & Asperger's too.

    Their childhoods are a mirror immage of each other. Both were reading before age 3, both struggle socially, both are reading way beyond their level (but lacks the concept of the story), math is hard, spelling & science are their strong suits, they both weigh less than 55 lbs.....the list goes on and on.

    She was excited (as well as me) to have a better understanding of why/how our children have this. (Not to play the blame game....but it's hard when you wonder if it's something I did. Immuninizations....etc)


    So, here's the thing. Neither one of us have kept contact with the bio-donor. She hates him. He's never seen their child. He signed away rights on my difficult child when I re-married. Although, I do see his family quite a bit and do communicate with them (nothing personal....just social if we cross paths) and I do intend on telling difficult child when he's older about bio-dad.

    Should anyone say anything to him about him carrying a gene for Autism (asperger's syndrome)? I don't think much of the guy (I don't even hate him anymore...it's been almost 9 years. It's the past now.) but should he know in case he plans on having any more kids? I don't want to blame him for it (difficult child is perfect the way he is....eccentric) but I'd hate for another woman to go through 6 years of her childs life wondering what is going on.

    any ideas? Or should I just leave it alone?

    I didn't think about him trying to visit. It's probably best left alone. He can't visit mine (he signed away legal rights) but thanks for the insight.
     
  2. 4sumrzn

    4sumrzn New Member

    I would personally just leave it alone. That's me though.
     
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I have been hoping to catch some AS info this month but my schedule and program scheduling don't jive so far this April. Are the experts saying that the AS gene passes through the male line? That's interesting.

    Regarding your Ex I wouldn't open the can of worms for you or the other Mom. Obviously the guy is not in the running for "Father of the Year" and I can't imagine that he would give a rat's about the impact of his sperm on others.

    If he is leaving you all in peace....thank God for that blessing. Your call might trigger thoughts of visiting
    "his" children....yuk! DDD
     
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Sorry, I disagree. I think he should know. What he does with the information is up to him. If you don't want to contact him directly, contact his parents and they can tell him.

    I have the genetic keys for breast cancer. I've chosen to not have double mastectomies even though it has been recommended. My decision, my choice. But it is an INFORMED choice.
     
  5. whateveryousay2007

    whateveryousay2007 New Member

    They're not saying the AS gene is passed through the male (I think it's pretty much whichever one is carrying it) it's more than coincidence that both kiddos have it. I'm saying that it's him.

    And you actually made me giggle with the comment of him not giving a rat's about the impact of his sperm on others. (still laughing....so very clever) That's a given. Thanks for the advice.
     
  6. whateveryousay2007

    whateveryousay2007 New Member

    I see your point. That was my thought at first too. I knew this guy well....I spent 8 years of my life with him. I knew most (obviously not all....) of his medical history. The other girl knows nothing. Granted....she can always call me and ask. (I've already informed her of some other history)

    It's a tough call.
     
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Although it would be nice to think that information really mattered to him I doubt that it would or that it would influence any future behavior.

    Nancy
     
  8. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    I'm usually very pro when it comes to informing but in this case I'd let it go.
     
  9. AmyH

    AmyH New Member

    in my opinion, you should let him know. My diagnosis had two children after we divorced and one of them is a severe Aspie the other one is acting out but not to the extent of the first.

    When we were married he refused to see that anything was wrong with our difficult child and now looking back he is a mirror image of his half-brother. Now at 12 we are trying to figure out what is really going on. He has ran the gammot of ADHD medications and nothing has worked. He is majorly struggling in school.

    I would say tell him, it is his choice what he chooses to do with it. In the long run it could save them years of worry and wondering.

    JMO!
     
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I can't imagine that he would give a rat's about the impact of his sperm on others.

    My thoughts exactly.
     
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I liked the idea of not contacting him at all but letting his parents or other close family member know- maybe not by a phone call out of the blue, but conveniently run into them, then say "Oh, I've found out some things I think you should know". He might not care, but there may be cousins, etc., whose parents do care.
     
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