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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 100163" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I'd keep an open mind about the diagnosis and about other things too. For example, I often hear people say, "He tells lies." But what sort of lies? And why?</p><p></p><p>Kids lie, generally to avoid getting into trouble (as THEY perceive it). Kids who seem to lie a lot may either be perceiving themselves to be constantly in trouble (a reality, or an exaggeration) or may NEED to keep getting themselves out of trouble because they're always IN trouble.</p><p></p><p>But is it a lie of "I forgot to bring my homework"? Or is it a lie of, "I was walking along talking to Sheila when this big kid wearing a yellow shirt jumped out of the bushes, grabbed my homework and ran off. I've never seen him before, but if you want my homework, HE'S the one who's got it, and that's why I haven't got it here to hand in."</p><p></p><p>A complex lie which is obviously fiction - that is one kind of lie. But the standard, "I didn't do it" is one which just about all kids can tell.</p><p></p><p>it is said that autistic kids (Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids) can't lie. But believe me, they can. But they are really bad at it, especially if it involves inventing a complex alternate reality.</p><p></p><p>A lot of what you describe could well be the borderline BiPolar (BP) (apart from going off the medications and apparently not tearing the place apart) but it could also be Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). A HUGE difference in how you manage it.</p><p></p><p>And if he was having problems on the medications - maybe it's because they were not really for him, his diagnosis needs to be checked.</p><p></p><p>It's something to consider, at any rate. And it would also account for the flashes of brilliance in a few narrow areas. Would account for a great deal.</p><p></p><p>You are also looking at him from the point of view of him being deliberately manipulative. If it is Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) (and again, be aware I am using this as an example only) then you do get this behaviour, but it's not deliberately 'bunged on', it's coming from genuine, deep feelings of despair, anxiety and the mood of the moment. Whatever the reason, we deal with it by acknowledging he feels that way, but otherwise not letting it control our lives. We certainly do not let it get us into tears - not good. All THAT does is make him feel worse, and it feeds the whole thing over again.</p><p></p><p>If family celebrations are too much for him (or anybody) then tone them down - for that person. Provide a bolt-hole, somewhere he can go to get respite from too much family, and from which he can be called back for the special minutes such as cutting the birthday cake, for example (if he can handle it).</p><p></p><p>If you are always ascribing malicious or deliberate intent to his thoughts, words and actions, then you will always be suspicious of him and will increasingly resent him. This is not good for you; it's not good for him. But if you can see him as a kid driven by his out-of-control emotions, desperately trying to fit in and finding it a real struggle, as well as having siblings and cousins who he would love to be like but feels he never can - you have a kid I would love to hug and would feel sorry for. Still a kid to keep on a short leash, but a different attitude might make it easier for him to feel he COULD make it, after all.</p><p></p><p>Some battles are not worth fighting. You are right in that the school has certain obligations towards him, but forcing them to comply is not always going to help the child in the long run, because the staff resentments are also in the mix. Not in every case, but apparently in this case.</p><p></p><p>If I KNEW he was Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), I would be urging your sister to consider home schooling. Some kids are bright, but need to learn a different way. They get bored in some areas; get left behind in others. They need to learn how to work at their own pace (fast in the easy stuff, slow in the tricky stuff) and to be out of a social situation that may be unhealthy for them.</p><p></p><p>I strongly suggest, especially with the current problems with medication, that she try and get him assessed by a neuropsychologist. You need some clear, definitive answers and I'm concerned you may have all been going up the wrong garden path. BiPolar (BP) is tricky to diagnose; so is Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). Get either one wrong, mistake one for the other, and it can not only delay appropriate treatment, it can make things worse. And it's not your fault - you can only do what doctors tell you, concerning your kid. THEY have the expertise (allegedly - that's why it's called 'practising' medicine. Some of them need more practice).</p><p></p><p>Also get hold of The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. Darn good book, it will help you, it will help her, it will help your parents. It helps with the good kids too.</p><p></p><p>You sound like a wonderful aunt and a fabulously supportive sister. Thank you, you give us hope in the goodness of human nature.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 100163, member: 1991"] I'd keep an open mind about the diagnosis and about other things too. For example, I often hear people say, "He tells lies." But what sort of lies? And why? Kids lie, generally to avoid getting into trouble (as THEY perceive it). Kids who seem to lie a lot may either be perceiving themselves to be constantly in trouble (a reality, or an exaggeration) or may NEED to keep getting themselves out of trouble because they're always IN trouble. But is it a lie of "I forgot to bring my homework"? Or is it a lie of, "I was walking along talking to Sheila when this big kid wearing a yellow shirt jumped out of the bushes, grabbed my homework and ran off. I've never seen him before, but if you want my homework, HE'S the one who's got it, and that's why I haven't got it here to hand in." A complex lie which is obviously fiction - that is one kind of lie. But the standard, "I didn't do it" is one which just about all kids can tell. it is said that autistic kids (Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids) can't lie. But believe me, they can. But they are really bad at it, especially if it involves inventing a complex alternate reality. A lot of what you describe could well be the borderline BiPolar (BP) (apart from going off the medications and apparently not tearing the place apart) but it could also be Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). A HUGE difference in how you manage it. And if he was having problems on the medications - maybe it's because they were not really for him, his diagnosis needs to be checked. It's something to consider, at any rate. And it would also account for the flashes of brilliance in a few narrow areas. Would account for a great deal. You are also looking at him from the point of view of him being deliberately manipulative. If it is Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) (and again, be aware I am using this as an example only) then you do get this behaviour, but it's not deliberately 'bunged on', it's coming from genuine, deep feelings of despair, anxiety and the mood of the moment. Whatever the reason, we deal with it by acknowledging he feels that way, but otherwise not letting it control our lives. We certainly do not let it get us into tears - not good. All THAT does is make him feel worse, and it feeds the whole thing over again. If family celebrations are too much for him (or anybody) then tone them down - for that person. Provide a bolt-hole, somewhere he can go to get respite from too much family, and from which he can be called back for the special minutes such as cutting the birthday cake, for example (if he can handle it). If you are always ascribing malicious or deliberate intent to his thoughts, words and actions, then you will always be suspicious of him and will increasingly resent him. This is not good for you; it's not good for him. But if you can see him as a kid driven by his out-of-control emotions, desperately trying to fit in and finding it a real struggle, as well as having siblings and cousins who he would love to be like but feels he never can - you have a kid I would love to hug and would feel sorry for. Still a kid to keep on a short leash, but a different attitude might make it easier for him to feel he COULD make it, after all. Some battles are not worth fighting. You are right in that the school has certain obligations towards him, but forcing them to comply is not always going to help the child in the long run, because the staff resentments are also in the mix. Not in every case, but apparently in this case. If I KNEW he was Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), I would be urging your sister to consider home schooling. Some kids are bright, but need to learn a different way. They get bored in some areas; get left behind in others. They need to learn how to work at their own pace (fast in the easy stuff, slow in the tricky stuff) and to be out of a social situation that may be unhealthy for them. I strongly suggest, especially with the current problems with medication, that she try and get him assessed by a neuropsychologist. You need some clear, definitive answers and I'm concerned you may have all been going up the wrong garden path. BiPolar (BP) is tricky to diagnose; so is Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). Get either one wrong, mistake one for the other, and it can not only delay appropriate treatment, it can make things worse. And it's not your fault - you can only do what doctors tell you, concerning your kid. THEY have the expertise (allegedly - that's why it's called 'practising' medicine. Some of them need more practice). Also get hold of The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. Darn good book, it will help you, it will help her, it will help your parents. It helps with the good kids too. You sound like a wonderful aunt and a fabulously supportive sister. Thank you, you give us hope in the goodness of human nature. Marg [/QUOTE]
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