at my breaking point

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by amazeofgrace, May 27, 2008.

  1. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    sigh... I will try to keep this brief, but I am ready to crack

    My Dad is really not wanting us living here, despite my Mom telling me otherwise, and begging me to stay (she just doesn't want to be left alone with him). When she's not here, he tells me quite bluntly, that he is not going to spend his retirement years dealing with this Cr@p (cr@p = my difficult child's).

    I have no idea how to move out on my own. I can only work PT. I have no child support coming in. I do have a very small nest egg (but it would not last long) I have practically every service the State has to offer, none of which help me in the childcare department. No one will watch difficult child II. No one. difficult child I is failing school and at 17 has no motivation accept to defy me and disrespect me at every turn. I am certain he'll be in jail within the next 5 years if he keeps going the rate he's going.

    S2BX is due out in another month and my heart and nerves are a mess about that. And all I hear when I am home from dear old dad is things like "Freeloaders have alot of nerve to be leaving their stuff lying around" "I don't want his little bratt friends playing on my property" "I do not care if he falls off the face of the earth, he's just like his father" "If you think I am going to live with this, you have another thing coming" "I don't want all these strangers in my house (BA's and therapists)" "takers make me sick, you're a taker" but I also get "you're an idiot if you put your 11 y/o son on Lithium"

    I have no control over either difficult child, it's frustrating enough without being harrassed about it. I clean up after them constantly. Pay for a tutor for difficult child II. I pay the utilities here and the weekly groceries and cook and clean weekly.

    I literally feel like running away or going to sleep for the rest of my life!:sad-very:
  2. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Oh sweetie...............
    I wish I could fix this for you - and man - I so wish I could be there to slap some sense into dear old dad. Geesh! What @#$%.

    Here are my 2 cents.
    You gotta move out ASAP.
    Take the nest egg, and put a down payment on an apt.
    Demand difficult child 1 work to help pay for the place, or else he has to care for difficult child 2, so you can work.
    The money part will work out, it always does - first you just need to take action.

    It is imperative that you do this!
    difficult child 2 is being negatively impacted by gpa and his attitude - and I betcha that his behavior improves within 6 months time with-out the crummy influence of his dad OR gpa.

    You can do this!!! I believe in you!!!
  3. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    thank you for the kind words, I am trying to pray about it and look into low income rentals

    or else he has to care for difficult child 2, so you can work.

    problem with that is they would kill each other, they fight constantly so bad I have had to call the police on them.
  4. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    I feel really badly for you and wish I knew the answers to your problems but one thing seems clear: you gotta get out of there asap. Can you qualify for subsidized housing? That would help on the expenses part. As for somebody to watch difficult child, can you get help from your church or the ywca or some group like that? Are there any colleges nearby that run daycares who might be interested in a "challenging case" for their psychiatric students? It is always difficult to find creative soulutions but it sounds like you need one now. When you are putting up with difficult children, life is difficult enough without having to tolerate difficult child behavior from your dad. Good luck.
  5. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Yeah, I understand about difficult child 1 caring for difficult child 2. Sounds like difficult child 1 needs to help support the household then?

    What about you finding a low income apt., and gma coming over to care for difficult child 2 after school?

    I personally, gave up on daycare for difficult child about your difficult child 2's age, because I could not find any place or person that would take care of him. It was NOT easy, or necessarily the best thing for difficult child. I am just saying that I understand how hard it is to be single and in your shoes.

    What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, comes into my mind a lot lately.
  6. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    What about a women's domestic abuse shelter?

    What your dad is doing is abuse. I'm so sorry. Makes me want to come over and smack him. I know, I know....2 wrongs don't make a right. Still want to smack him.

    Do they BA's and therapists have any ideas on childcare for GFGII?

  7. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    thank you all, I had counseling 2night and was crying buckets. It's the 1st time in 11 years she's seen me crying uncontrolably.

    I am so hung up on unfounded heart break over S2BX and the anxiety of his pending release and the sheer exhaustion from caring for difficult child's. And then there's Dad. Who I love dearly, but there is definatley some issues here.

    The only agency that "says" they supply child care for special needs kids, has not called me back any of the 8 times I called them. The other state agency says they do not really supply it, which is why no one is calling me back. My Mom works 8 - 8 and my mother in law besides hating me, does not know how to handle difficult child II, she thinks difficult child I is an angel and difficult child II is a spoiled bratt and it's my fault.
  8. tryinghard

    tryinghard New Member

    I am so sorry you have to go through this.

    Sending you my support and wishing I could do something to help you.

    Do you have any friends you could rent a room from? Does difficult child do ok with other kids? I know my son does really well with older high school\college kids.

    I wish I had more advise for you....
  9. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I wish I had some answers for you...but all I have are hugs.
  10. Christy

    Christy New Member

    I hope a break comes your way soon.
  11. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    thank you all, I feel alittle better today. I came home from work and slept a few hours, I am still dwelling on S2BX, and difficult child's are still acting up and out.

    But thank you to all for your kind words
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Still thinking about you. Your dad needs a good whack upside his idjit head!!! I also know 2 wrongs, yada yada. But I still want to smack him.

    He is abusive. Can you get help from the domesic violence shelter?? Your dad surely makes the situation qualify!!!

    Sending hugs and support, you CAN do it!!!


  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

  14. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    All though I will not deny he is abusive verbally, and I do not want Occupational Therapist (OT) make excuses for him, for the greater part of my life he's always beena good, loving, supportive Dad, only in his older age and poorer health has he become so cranky and mean. Which I guess makes it even harder, because he never used to be like this, S2BX was consistantly abusive from day one and through 19 years and I am sure sober or not, he'll still have an abusive streak once he is out of rehab.
  15. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    You know, when you get older it doesn't necessarily mean that you are mad or don't care. It means you're tired and you don't have the patience for the daily drama of upbringing a difficult child. I'm not excusing your dad, just kind of understanding where he is coming from. He's done his life, done his job, he just wants to relax.

    I think the advice you have been given is excellent. Get out. Let them enjoy their grandchildren in a way that grandparents should. I KNOW that is harder on you, but you're looking at more than one relationship here. Let them be the Grandma and Grandpa that LOVE to visit for an hour, then send the kids home....not their home.

    Just my 2 cents.

  16. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Don't know what else to say that hasn't already been said. You're better off out of there living in a motel than putting up with the abuse any longer. I hope you're able to figure something out soon.

  17. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Can you lay it on the line with your Father? Tell him you NEED to get your own place? Can he help you at all? Even a little? Then you would not be in his house... he might be happier?
    I do agree with the others, you need to get out. This has to bed mentally on you and the boys. I am so sorry about the stresses of S2BX.
    You just have too much and you need one thing lifted from your plate.