At my wits end..new comer

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Echolette, Nov 19, 2013.

  1. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I realized today that if my son dies on the street, or is already dead, that I would kill myself. My other 3 kids are healthy, loved, resilient and OK. They will be OK without me, I"ll make sure of that. Its the other one who has broken my heart and my spirit.

    He is 19, almost 20. Never really well...diagnoses include Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), oral motor mapping disorder, sensory integration disorder, ADD, Asperger's, bipolar, and schizoaffective. He has seemed more normal than that most of his life..was in main stream schools through 7th grade (with IEPs). He was cute, odd, clueless, and friendless.Late to talk, late to toilet train.

    In 7th grade he was failing everything, doing no homework, and hiding his tests and notes from teachers saying "call me" from us. We had no idea till he went away with his dad for a few days and I decided to clean his room.

    We decided he would benefit from more structure and sent him to a local military academy. Seemed good for a while, then he starting failing again...had more forced marches than could physically be done. I think he was courting them...then he had what looked like a psychotic break...and ended up at a wilderness treatment center, then a residential treatment center...away from home for 15 months. Came home for his junior year in high school and went to a school for kids with social issues...eventually failed out, didn't finish his junior year, and his been living, for the most part, on the street. He was with Occupy Wall Street for almost a year...he loved that, gave him a sense of purpose, but when it dissolved he had nowhere to go. He was in and out of mental hospitals (6 weeks at Bellevue), on and off medications, using adrugs including heroin then stopping...drifting ever lower. He busted up a friends house and was thrown out, and got a police record, including jail for failing to show up in court. He came back to live with me after jail (he has come back for short periods frequently, but usually leaves because he does't like to have to come home at night, or tell me where he is), or I have him leave because he breaks rules.
    So after a month at home (this is two months ago) he called and asked if he could stay out and I said no, 10 PM curfew on work nights (I can't be up worrying or getting awakened, gotta go to work and his brothers have to go to school!). He came home, packed, and left. He has been sleeping in a city park or under a bridge. He told me that while he was home he lied to me (daily ) about taking his medications and going to AA meetings. Now he is definitely off medications and definitely using.
    In the past I had him tied in with a social worker, social service, job readiness programs, and therapists. He blew all those ties by missing meetings (except the social security, which he has managed to keep).
    He has come by a few times with his new girlfriend, saying we have to accept her (he has had a dozen girls like this...tels us that they are "like a sister to him" and we have to accept them..they vanish without a trace after a few weeks or months...they sit with him in a few emergency rooms and then quit.
    He has had a few jobs..usually bicycle delivery for pizza or other take out food, sometimes dishwashing. He always gets fired for not showing up after a few weeks. HE finds friends houses to stay in and always tells me "they said I should just pay when I can , not to worry" then of course gets thrown out when he never pays...it is an endless cycle.
    Now it is cold. He is sleeping under a bridge. He came by about 10 days ago and I let him shower and wash his clothes. He has called twice to ask if his girlfriend can come shower and I've said no...I feel very very uneasy having both of them in the house, I don't even feel comfortable having just him i the house...I wouldn't want to sleep with him here.
    I don't know what is illness or incapacity and what he can fix. I don't know what to do to help him. I htink I have played all of my cards...in the end, ill or not, he lies, steals from me (forgot that part), uses drugs, refuses to take his medications or see a therapist, blows his SS money on "binges" and begs on the street. He only calls me when it is cold or he wants me to buy him lunch. I think I have to say goodbye for now. I'm just afraid he'll die and I won't know. I'm afraid he is dead or cold and scared, and he is still my same stupid mentally "off" little boy.
    I'd like to feel sure that I have turned every stone, or to be sure that I won't miss a potential stone going forward. I can't feel that I abandned him. this is awful. I want to die, even though I'm pretty sure that not letting him come home (he doens't actually really ask to), and not giving him any financial siupport is the right thing to do.
     
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi and welcome. You are not alone in your feelings. Honestly if it wasnt for my grand kids Im not sure I would still be here myself. I know I did everything I could do for my difficult child and it has done nothing. I thought it had but it was just a lull in his antics. No one else quite understands my total turn around to indifference with him. I tried harder than he did and now I am done.

    I actually put off going to the doctor for things I should do simply because I dont want to know if there is something else going on with me. I think I would be happy to find out that I was terminal.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. You should probably post after this on Parent Emeritus (we are parents of adult kids..this is more for younger kids, but I posted on Parent Emeritus for the people there to find your post here).

    I really think you have done all you can do unless your son asks for your help. And I mean asks as in, "I know I need help and I want to get it." He does have many differences that obviously make life harder for him, and he may need a guardian and caseworker and other mental health people to help him get on track, but if he is unwilling to let you help him navigate those social services waters, his life will not improve. Have you thought of maybe getting legal guardianship over him so that he can't blow all his paychecks and so that if he has an appointment YOU are notified and can at least TRY to get him to attend or to attend yourself? If you have legal guardianship, he will not have the same privileges of other adults because of his disabilities. For example, I am guardian of my autistic son and I was able to say he can't buy or own or handle a gun. And I'm the only one who can give him money, which works out well because he would spend it all as soon as he gets it. I had to go to court to do this and my son was compliant with this. I don't know if you can attain legal guardianship without your son's compliance, but it may be possible since he has so many disabilities and is not doing well on his own.

    That does not mean he has to live with you. You have three other kids and he is too hard to handle. There are places where he can live that social services can help him find, if he is willing. If not, well, he is choosing the streets. If he would follow the rules, he would have a place to stay either with you or at an assisted living apartment or group home.

    I'm concerned about YOU. I have been suicidal too and it's not good to isolate when that happens. Have you and your husband ever gone to a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting? Have you considered classes at the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) for parents of mentally ill children? Do you have your own therapist? You really need that hands on help, although WE are here 24/7. Trust me, even if your other three kids are well adjusted, they will be a mess if you kill yourself. It isn't something they can recover from or will ever not look on without horror and wonder if they could have stopped it.

    I hope you post again to let us know you are ok. We will always answer you and try to support you. I am so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone.

    Janet, I'm sorry it is tough for you now too. Very sorry.
     
  4. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I'm sorry this is happening, Echolette...but you need to be stronger than that. You have other children, and you have your own life to be responsible to and for.

    I know how hurtful it is to lose your child. I know what it feels like to believe the next phone call will be the one telling you the body has been found.

    I know what it feels like to have that same child turn his life around.

    You are his mother. Whatever is happening to him, you need to be strong enough to believe for him that he can turn this around. You are doing right in refusing to play into your child's addictions or his weaknesses. You have been very, very strong to have been able to reach this point on your own. You are tired now, and scared, and wondering whether you've missed something.

    You haven't missed anything, Echolette. You haven't done anything wrong. Your child hasn't really done anything wrong, either. He is addicted. Lots of kids try lots of things. Some get caught; they tumble into the hell of addiction head first. When that happens to one of our adult children, we need to learn a different parenting strategy, called detachment.

    It's similar to Tough Love, in a way.

    There are many tools a mother (or a father) can employ to help us survive this kind of pain. Here on the site, we can help you learn those tools.

    Please keep posting. It does help to question and validate and explore what other parents have learned.

    Here is something which will be immediately helpful:

    God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
    the Courage to change the things I can
    and the Wisdom to know the difference.

    As someone very wise told me when I first found this site: "Read it until it works."

    Parents of self-destructive adult children suffer a special kind of pain. We have no control over the choices our children make. If we allow it, their addictions or illnesses will take over our lives and take us down, too. We learn to walk a razor-thin line between loving acceptance and enabling their illnesses or addictions.

    It is not an easy thing.

    You are here, now. Finding those who understand the pain you are in will be helpful. It know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you will survive this.

    Others of us will be posting, soon.

    Welcome, Echolette. I am so glad you found us.

    Cedar
     
  5. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Janet, you have been through so much. It is the hardest time, when we watch everything we've believed could be possible deflate. Everything seems so dark and brown for such a long time.Do you think these feelings are part of having been enmeshed with our self-destructive child? We believe so hard for them that we lose ourselves in the process. When they fall again anyway, they drag a part of us with them, I think.

    I would not like you to have anything terminal, Janet. You have helped me more times than you know. Just knowing you are here, reading and posting when you can helps me. I remember when you were so funny and so strong and just never did give a rip what anyone thought.

    And that gave me strength, too.

    It sounds like you feel that you don't matter, even to yourself, Dammit.

    You matter, very much, to us.

    This will pass.

    Cedar
     
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Echolette, welcome. I am so sorry you are going through this with your son. it is very hard on us parents when we have troubled kids.

    First of all, if you are feeling in any way suicidal, you must seek professional help. This is very serious and entertaining those thoughts is serious. Your statement about 'if you kill yourself your other kids will be okay without you' could not be further from the truth. My son in law committed suicide and I could not begin to explain to you the devastation that occurred in the lives of those who loved him. My daughter's life spiraled out of control and she never recovered......... and his mother, brother, cousin and daughters lives are irreparably damaged. That choice would impact your 4 children in profoundly negative and destructive ways far beyond what you can imagine so please, recognize that is not a choice and seek help for yourself immediately.

    Having a child go off the rails as your son has, and many of our kids have, has a remarkable and devastating impact on us parents. Our guilt and fear for them is profound. You are not alone. We all go through all of the same feelings you are having. It is a terrible place to live. I understand that and all of us here, who have adult kids understand that too.

    There comes a point, where you have just arrived, where the realization that there is nothing more we can do, becomes obvious. We cannot continue on this road, it is hurting us and it is not helping them. They cannot live within our rules and that causes severe problems for us. Not allowing him to come home and not giving him financial support are good choices and the ones those of us with adult kids make as well.

    However, for the past number of years, your son has depleted your resources, exhausted you, taken away your joy and your hope. Now you have to focus on you and your other 3 kids. How we do that is with a lot of support. Most of us seek out therapy for US. There are 12 step groups as well. NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness have chapters everywhere and can be accessed online. They have excellent programs, classes and support groups for parents. That sounds like a good place for you to start, if I were in your shoes, and I am, I would contact NAMI today. Do not wait. You sound at the end of your rope and at this point, you must begin to nourish yourself, nurture yourself, take care of yourself and start to take your life back from the edge where you have been living.

    We all feel that sense of hopelessness, despair, sorrow, guilt and fear that I hear you are experiencing right now, I know how you feel. It's pretty awful. I have been on that same edge. Step back from that, turn in another direction and get yourself some professional assistance immediately. Read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. Detachment is the process we all go through here so that we can not only regain our lives and stop enabling our children who are not helping themselves, but it is the process which stops the negative connection we have with our kids and puts the reigns in their hands to do with what they will. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot fix this or change it. Only your son can. He either will or he won't but you cannot allow your life to hinge on that choice. You deserve a peaceful life. Your other kids deserve a mother who is present. You cannot allow one son to ruin the lives of the rest of the family.

    I spent almost two years in a program at a huge HMO here in California designed for substance abusers and codependents. The codependency program not only gave me the tools to learn how to detach from my troubled adult daughter, it gave me permission and the direction to learn how to enjoy my own life regardless of what my daughter is doing. There were weekly support groups lead by a therapist where I listened to other mothers who had disturbed adult kids, where I received support for all the feelings I had and the fear I felt. I saw a private therapist as well in this program. Little by little I got my own life back. You can do that too. It isn't easy, but it is possible.

    Read Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. It's helpful. There is a lot of support out there for you, take it. Go online and find a NAMI chapter near you and call them today. Ask them for a recommendation for a therapist. Find a codependents anonymous or Family anonymous group in your area. Begin the journey out of the upside down, sideways world you've been living in with your son. You can do it. Keep posting, we get it. I'm glad you found us, we are a group of parents who understand where you are right now. Read our stories and gain the strength to go find your joy. I wish you truckloads of peace, you deserve it. (((HUGS)))
     
  7. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Echolette,

    The others have already given you great advice. I don't have any words of wisdom to add to what has already been said. I just want to tell you how glad I am you found us. The amount of support you will find here is absolutely amazing! Although we come from many different walks of life, all of us are united in some way by the destruction and devastation caused by mental illness/substance abuse, the desire to connect with others in similar circumstances, to learn and grow from our collective experiences, and ultimately heal from all the chaos.

    Please take care of yourself! You are not alone! We care.

    Thinking of you this morning... Hugs... SFR
     
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome. Glad you found us. Truly sorry you needed to search. This really is a wonderful group and it is wonderful that you can express your true feelings here with-o fear of judgement. Because we do not identify ourselves by real name or location it's possible to relieve the pain and pressure of having dysfunctional kids. For many of us just being able to tell the truth about how we feel provides some relief. I've been there done that (gotten to the point where I truly wasn't sure I could face one more crisis!) so I understand!

    Are you familiar with The Serenity Prayer? I have repeated it daily for thirteen years....sometimes multiple times! It doesn't solve the problem but it helps me to accept the things I can not change. Like you...I've given my all. Hugs and prayers coming your way. DDD
     
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I forgot to add...do read our SA and PE forums. That will reassure you that you are NOT alone. DDD
     
  10. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    So thank you thank you thank you all for your kind and generous responses. I cried while I read them. I am responding before taking your advice...I will look for NOMA (a search for CODA was unproductive). I have already read "codependent no more" mostly because of my relationship with men, but I could see how it applied to my relationship to my son as well (actually to a lot of people! rats!). I will look for a group. I will not kill myself.
    I guess I need to know..when is it ok to talk to him? how do I talk to him? what do we talk about if he calls (he sometimes calls to tell me how great everything is, he has a place to stay, is applying for jobs, etc...this is never true, he just likes to say it...not sure if he wants me to see him as succeeding or wants to reassure me or is just crazy.)..do I let him tell me those stories? do I hammer away at "go to the resources I've pointed you too, etc" stuff? do I ask about his life (he'll lie, or tell me about intentions that will never be fulfilled).
    and do I look for him? I looked under bridges when I was out running this morning (I started running again this week..I was spending all my time sleeping, time to push back) I walk through the park and look for him on my way to and from work, and I walk down the streets where I have seen him begging in the past. I looked in a couple of stores and coffee houses where I know he's hung out in the past to stay warm and use computers. Nada. At what point do I call hospitals? I did ask him to carry my number on him so I'd know if he was hurt or dead..I doubt he'll do that though.
    Any guidance on the above....
    also I don't know the abbreviations you use! difficult child? SA? PE? can you tell me some of the more common ones?
     
  11. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    ah...I just read the abbreviations list. it made me laugh out loud!!
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Good that you were laughing :) Hope you are feeling better now.
     
  13. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    having a little trouble figuring outt he site...I thought I responded to all but apparently not...but thank you thank you thank you for your kind a loving words. I cried while I was reading them (I also got a text from a friend saying they saw my son begging in front of mc donalds...asked what to do...I said don't give him money).
    I will look for a support group...I already feel supported by you all, I must say. Not many people understand...I get a lot of "why do you let him do that???" stuff.
    a few questions...when he calls and tells me he is doing great, found a place to live, looking for a job (this is always a lie)...what do I say?
    He'll want to come for thanksgiving...yes? no? He always has before. No girlfriend, that is for sure.
    how long do I go without hearing from him or having sightings before I start checking local hospitals? I asked him to put my number in his pocket so if he dies some one will call me...but I doubt he did. That is one of my fears.
     
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You do what feels right to you. If you want to allow him over for Thanksgiving, do it. Let him know in advance that if he starts any drama though that he will have to go. If you feel he can not maintain for Thanksgiving, don't have him there. You can always bring him some leftovers at a designated meeting place. Detaching takes time. Nobody here expects you to detach 100% and right away. You were right to tell your friend not to give him money. To do so is hurting him. If he is like other drug addicts, as my daughter was (or at least she was a heavy user), every dime given to him by a good samaritan will be spent on drugs. Tell her if she feels she wants to buy him a meal to do THAT, but NO CASH.

    When I see people who I believe may be homeless and they have signs that say "Homeless! Anything helps" I may give them a warm blanket and a sandwich and coffee. It is hard for me to just pass the person by. Even if that person is using me, I feel like I meant well. But I am a commodities and food only person. I don't give anyone money just in case. Does your son still have a cell phone? If so, you can text him every so often. I'd text things like "I hope you choose to get help. You know I will help you do that." And you can text "I love you." If he starts abusing you, go silent and ignore.

    He is like most of our kids. They are not homeless because we would have them cold and hungry. They are homeless because they won't follow reasonable rules in the house, are abusive to us, steal from us, hurt their siblings, refuse to get help for drug abuse, and basically decide being homeless is preferable to accepting the warm house we offer if they would only at least TRY. These kids also tend to find resources easily...druggies help druggies. There is always a couch in someone's house to sleep on until they inevitably have a falling out.

    You have done everything I can think of. Is there anything you can think of that you haven't tried before that you think may help your son? It HAS to be something you haven't tried. See? All you can do is make sure he can come to you if he truly wants to get the help he needs for his many challenges. You aren't abandoning him. He can always come back to you if he promises to get help and then actually does it. If he goes through the proper channels, he will get drug rehab, psychiatric care, and housing...he knows this, but doesn't want it badly enough.

    You have been a real banner mom. Now your other kids need you and your husband does too and your friends and you need a healthy you as well.

    One thing great about the Parent Emeritus board...we all seem to really get along well and respect one another. A big plus is we are on call 24/7 and you can always post...and our advice may not be professional, but we did all go to the University of Hard Knocks and you can't beat the price of the advice that you get...lol :) We are so happy you have you with us. We can get through this...together.
     
  15. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    It is is obvious by your verbiage that you are hurting terribly. If you are not doing so already, I believe you need to get to your doctor right away to see about a possible antidepressant. Also, if not doing so already, think about seeing a psychologist or mental health counselor for talk therapy ASAP!

    You are going through a lot and need the extra support and guidance. This is nothing to be ashamed of, many, if not most of us here, have had to at one time or another gotten such support.

    Another great place for support are Parents Anonymous meetings! Those parents have been through this very thing!

    generally speaking, I think not letting him come home is VERY likely the right thing to do!!!! I would consider VERY VERY VERY limited temporary financial help like for him to see the doctor or for food. You might help him apply for food stamps. Keep any help minimum though and don't do it all if he is unkind/rude or abusive to you. Let it be known that any help is temporary and set boundaries; for example like medical expenses only (and never give him money outright).

    please re-read the other excellent posts and get some help for yourself! Practice good self care. You have other children and family who love you and need you.

    It sounds impossible right this moment, but with help, you can get through these very difficult times. Honest.

    PS I got a call once (long time ago) from a good friend who saw my daughter begging. It tore me up for a few hours. My friend was also shook up. That was a long time ago. Her father told her if we see her begging or get a call like that again, we will call the police and report her as a pan-handler ourselves and ask the police to remove her from the streets. She was shocked. Not sure if she has done it again, but I do believe it at least slowed her down/turned her off to the idea. Anyway, I CAN relate to much of this hxll. Hang in there.
     
  16. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are most welcome, all of us here are a breath away from where you are..........we really do know how you feel and I know too how much it means when you're in the trenches with your kids to have others who get it.

    Enabling is something you can recover from..........with help. Do call NAMI and find a group, a therapist, make this about YOU.

    I think as MWM mentioned, we all journey through this at our own speed.........if it feels good to have him for Thanksgiving, do it, but make your boundaries. I have to do the same thing. I think the best advice I can offer is to figure out what it is you want, what you are willing to do, what you do not want and what you are not willing to do. A therapist or a support group or NAMI can all help you with that. I would talk to him when it feels right to do so, if he manipulates, is hostile, angry, blaming or in any way is disrespectful, then get off the phone, It's really all about his behavior.......if he behaves and is respectful, then fine. If he tells you stories and they upset you then don't listen to them. Limit the time spent listening or tell him you are aware that this is untrue and you are not willing to listen. I wouldn't hammer away at the resources offered, it's generally a waste of your words. You might say that when he is willing to start his own path of recovery, you will help him, but until that point, you are not willing to talk about it.

    What you want to do is figure out what your boundaries are, state them clearly to your son and make sure when those boundaries are compromised by him that you have a consequence that is clear, that he knows about and that you follow through on. It takes time to figure all of this out, which is where counseling comes in. They keep us on track because it's really easy to cave. Plus generally, we're used to rescuing them so we have to change that pattern in ourselves as well............and that takes time and we DO make mistakes so don't beat yourself up about it, it's simply new territory.

    I have been known to drive by the place my daughter stays at, but as time goes by I do that less and less. Many here check on Facebook to see if the kids post, some pay for cell phones so they know the kids are alive. I don't think there is any right way, only the way that works for you that you can live with. I think the difference between enabling and loving kindness is that enabling does not feel good, loving kindness does. I used that a lot as I was learning how to detach, it helped me. Remember also that coming out of enabling often places us in a very foggy place, a place where we just don't know what to do. That fog is very common as we heal ourselves from the constant concern about another..............it's a confusing place. I found if I shared the situation with my therapist or group or someone who is objective and not enmeshed in the situation, the act of 'telling on myself' and someone stepping in to tell me the truth about what they saw, really helped me to shift my perspective and change my behavior. It's a big change, you need to have the pattern you've been in with your son interrupted so you can choose another path.

    As you go through this crazy world we all live in here, you'll find your own way, there are no hard and fast rules, we generally go forward, then back, then sideways, it's a helluva journey through...........but you'll make it, just get yourself LOTS of support, whatever that looks like to you and make taking care of YOU the focus now. Codependents focus on others so focus on YOU. Do kind and nurturing things for yourself every day. Take care of your body, running is great, good for you!

    If something happens to your son, you will find out at some point, worrying about it everyday will just ruin your days..............we can't control what our kids do and spending all our time trying to figure it all out is exhausting, non productive and is part of enabling which is not healthy for you. Remember that most of our kids are remarkably adept at staying above the fray, they have skills we don't have, they land on their feet in spite of their bad choices. Hang in there. Sending you peaceful thoughts...........
     
  17. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Good Morning :O)

    difficult child: Gift From God

    SA: Substance Abuse Forum ~ parents of children involved in drug use or addiction

    PE: Parent Emeritus Forum ~ parents of self-destructive kids over 18

    There is a place on the site where these things are listed, Echolette. I am not sure where it is, though.

    You asked how to talk to your son. At the bottom of my posts is a link for just that kind of thing ~ how to talk to our adult kids, troubled or not. It is the McCoy link. I found it very helpful.

    I am so happy to hear you are running, again. Good, good, good!

    Cedar
     
  18. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    you all are amazingly wise, kind and generous. I'm shocked at how what each of you says resonates...usually when I try to talk to people about my son, they make suggestions or ask questions that just place us in different galaxies. I don't mind, I get it, but it sure as hell isn't helpful. YOu, group of strangers, are helpful.
    He called me this evening from a local hospital. I have found that usually when he starts to feel stressed, realizes he really is in over his head, and feels alone, he starts going to emergency rooms...falls, overdoses, suidide attempts, "seizures" never witnessed...you name it. Tonight he called to tell me he is in an emergency room with a thigh abscess (but I never shoot up there, mom) and a seizure. He tells me he is in a good place ...I asked him what that means, and he said "well I am not in jail"...ps there is a bench warrant out for him , so that is temporary. His thrust lately has been that I need to accept his girlfriend...got a long talk about how he loves her and she him...I told him I was happy for him but that it really isn't about her, it is him that I can't accommodate and don't want to see till he is on medications and seeing a therapist. He persisted with the girlfriend a bit (I can guarantee she'll be gone by 2014--27 to his 19, on the street, from another state checking out a different venue), then said he wouldn't be on his medications any time soon, is going to new york for new years then new orleans or miami (this are frequent and recurring plans that don't materialize). He said that my version of doing well and his don't match...I said as long as he is begging in front of mcdonalds he is not doing well. and that is all. cried when I hung up. He didn't feel the love and support...I doubt he'll call for a while, and I have no way to reach him. He has no phone. I do check facebook, but he doesn't often post. If I leave him a message there he usually responds eventually.
    thats it.. just describing my day, my life. My transition.
    Thank you all again.
     
  19. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hang in there Echolette, take it one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, stay in the present moment, don't worry about all the possible fearful scenarios that might happen in the future or ruminate about the past...........keep busy doing nurturing things for yourself..........stay well supported.........learn tools of detachment............read books on detachment................bring in whatever your sense of a Higher Power is and place your son in those hands...........pray..........meditate...........get a massage.........take long walks.........go to yoga, acupuncture.........have manicures and pedicures.......take naps..........read novels ..........eat healthy and sleep long and well.............practice lots of compassion for yourself and focus on YOU.................((((HUGS)))))
     
  20. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Well rats, I can feel myself sliding...I'm having trouble finding a support group (no NAMI or CODA in the area). My son asked his dad (we are years separated) if he and his girlfriend could join the dad for Thanksgiving..that broke my heart, since Thanksgiving has been my holiday, in my home, with my extended family, for at least 16 years. I actually always invite the x and his mom too, but so far no. Anyway..his dad said no, appropriately. I would have my son but not the girlfriend, who I just have very bad vibes about...they live on the street, she has already cheated on him and left him briefly but come back, she is 8 years older than he is...just all yuck. I know he won't come without her...its all kind of pointless, I guess.
    I saw him begging last night. He saw me too, and jumped up and disappeared. Thats it for now. I think I'll try al anon--there seem to be a lot of those, and that is sort of the global back up for 12 step programs, am I right?
    also..practical questions...how do I move to the PE board? and how do I get my ID under my signature? I filled out the profile but it doesnt post when I do...I plan to be around for a while, to give and receive support..
     
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