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At wit's end
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 542298" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I know that feeling of your heart breaking in a million pieces. You need to have a plan for that day. Here in CA. you must go through a legal process to evict someone, even your own child from your own home. And when the vacate date arrives, often parents have the sheriff come to the house to escort the kid out. You may want to check with someone in authority to find out exactly what the legal issue is around this and what you can do to make this as efficient as you can. </p><p></p><p>She is not going to do anything before that date to help herself so I think you need to let that expectation go. She is going to wait until that day and then pull out all the stops to make you change your mind. You need to recognize that and prepare for it. I think you need to map out exactly how it will go down to her. Find out if you can get the police to escort her out. Find out what the legal ramifications are in your state, in your town. If you need to do this more formally, find that out now and do it. Tell her this is it, you will not, <u>under any circumstances, </u>allow her to continue living in your home. You need to cover your a@# on this legally and then go through all the steps. But, emotionally you must prepare yourself for the fact that she is likely absolutely certain that she can use her skill in manipulation to guilt you into allowing her to stay. That will be the deciding moment, when you can look her in the eye and say, 'You need to leave now, there are no options to stay." and mean it. It will take you to mentally, emotionally and legally to prepare for that moment. If you find out that there are legal issues you have to handle, then handle them and change the date to accommodate the legalities and then stick to the plan <u>no matter what</u>. You have to get to that point of 'no matter what.' If she wins that battle, the next time it will be much worse, so you have to get this done this time. </p><p></p><p>Believe me, I get how hard this is, I had to do it too. But you MUST DO IT. And remember, she will not do ANYTHING to help herself, so let go of that idea. This is what you are doing now, you are letting her go so that she WILL take the reigns and figure it out. Prepare yourself for her couch surfing, living in a shelter, living in her car or living at the bus station. She will NOT wake up if you keep enabling her. She will only wake up when she realizes she has to do something to help herself and that it's up to her, not you. </p><p></p><p>There <strong>is </strong>going to be some hysterical scene on her vacate date, you can count on that, that is the manipulation she is counting on to make you change your mind, that's why she is not doing anything because your history dictates that you will cave and she will get her way. That is what you are changing now. And, the only way to change it, is to change your reaction, to change the script, to say 'no, I'm done now.' Get support in any way you can for that day, the cops, your family, your husband, your friends. Perhaps it may be prudent for you not to be there, to have someone you trust to escort her without any drama, someone who won't fall for all the intense manipulations that are likely to occur. It would be ideal if you could work that out, because you are the one she can manipulate and the two of you have a certain way of dealing with each other, she knows how to push all the buttons to make you feel bad, to make you give in, to make you feel sorry for her. But if you fall for that, you and she will both continue to suffer. </p><p></p><p>Stay strong, get help, make a plan, get info about the legalities, get someone to be there that day to escort her out, a sheriff if you can. When you are absolutely clear that there is no doubt in your mind, that she will not manipulate you, that you will not give in, that you are DONE, then she will get it, believe me. You have to be clear. Don't let your expectations of what she should be doing, or your guilt, or your fear, get in the way of what is the right thing to do. The right thing to do is to have her leave in 17 days NO MATTER WHAT.</p><p></p><p>Big hugs to you. I know it's hard.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 542298, member: 13542"] I know that feeling of your heart breaking in a million pieces. You need to have a plan for that day. Here in CA. you must go through a legal process to evict someone, even your own child from your own home. And when the vacate date arrives, often parents have the sheriff come to the house to escort the kid out. You may want to check with someone in authority to find out exactly what the legal issue is around this and what you can do to make this as efficient as you can. She is not going to do anything before that date to help herself so I think you need to let that expectation go. She is going to wait until that day and then pull out all the stops to make you change your mind. You need to recognize that and prepare for it. I think you need to map out exactly how it will go down to her. Find out if you can get the police to escort her out. Find out what the legal ramifications are in your state, in your town. If you need to do this more formally, find that out now and do it. Tell her this is it, you will not, [U]under any circumstances, [/U]allow her to continue living in your home. You need to cover your a@# on this legally and then go through all the steps. But, emotionally you must prepare yourself for the fact that she is likely absolutely certain that she can use her skill in manipulation to guilt you into allowing her to stay. That will be the deciding moment, when you can look her in the eye and say, 'You need to leave now, there are no options to stay." and mean it. It will take you to mentally, emotionally and legally to prepare for that moment. If you find out that there are legal issues you have to handle, then handle them and change the date to accommodate the legalities and then stick to the plan [U]no matter what[/U]. You have to get to that point of 'no matter what.' If she wins that battle, the next time it will be much worse, so you have to get this done this time. Believe me, I get how hard this is, I had to do it too. But you MUST DO IT. And remember, she will not do ANYTHING to help herself, so let go of that idea. This is what you are doing now, you are letting her go so that she WILL take the reigns and figure it out. Prepare yourself for her couch surfing, living in a shelter, living in her car or living at the bus station. She will NOT wake up if you keep enabling her. She will only wake up when she realizes she has to do something to help herself and that it's up to her, not you. There [B]is [/B]going to be some hysterical scene on her vacate date, you can count on that, that is the manipulation she is counting on to make you change your mind, that's why she is not doing anything because your history dictates that you will cave and she will get her way. That is what you are changing now. And, the only way to change it, is to change your reaction, to change the script, to say 'no, I'm done now.' Get support in any way you can for that day, the cops, your family, your husband, your friends. Perhaps it may be prudent for you not to be there, to have someone you trust to escort her without any drama, someone who won't fall for all the intense manipulations that are likely to occur. It would be ideal if you could work that out, because you are the one she can manipulate and the two of you have a certain way of dealing with each other, she knows how to push all the buttons to make you feel bad, to make you give in, to make you feel sorry for her. But if you fall for that, you and she will both continue to suffer. Stay strong, get help, make a plan, get info about the legalities, get someone to be there that day to escort her out, a sheriff if you can. When you are absolutely clear that there is no doubt in your mind, that she will not manipulate you, that you will not give in, that you are DONE, then she will get it, believe me. You have to be clear. Don't let your expectations of what she should be doing, or your guilt, or your fear, get in the way of what is the right thing to do. The right thing to do is to have her leave in 17 days NO MATTER WHAT. Big hugs to you. I know it's hard. [/QUOTE]
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