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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 542645" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Good morning LSH44, I'm glad I could be of help to you. Many here have been of great help to me and it's good to give back. You'll likely be helping someone else later on too, it's the way it goes and it's a good thing.</p><p></p><p>I could have written your most recent post, I have felt every single one of those feelings. My ex and I divorced when my difficult child was 18 months old, he has had virtually nothing to do with her and when she really hit the skids and was in jail, he actually said, "I wash my hands of her." I guess 45 minutes of parenting over 39 years was his limit. For all of my difficult child's life it was just she and I too. Yes, I know those feelings of guilt, her dad abandoned her, and now you are abandoning her. Those feelings of abandoning my daughter after everyone else did, including her own husband who killed himself, (the ultimate abandonment), kept me stuck for a long time. I really want to impress upon you that those feelings are not appropriate. It's all about intention. You are intending to let her go so that she can save herself, or not. You are not just turning your back on her, you are loving her out the door in the hopes that she will grow wings on her way. Your difficult child may wander around for awhile attempting to find another who will take care of her, and she may do that, but you have to cut the cord. She doesn't have a right to treat you the way she does, that's appalling. Your daughter is abusive to you. And you have every right to end that abuse.</p><p></p><p>My daughter doesn't understand the connection between her behavior and the outcome either. She really doesn't blame anyone, she just doesn't get it. There is a direct correlation to guilt and enabling and creating entitlement in our kids. Yes, if it were you losing your friends because of your behavior, you would be devastated. But it is not you, it is her and she doesn't think like you, you have to get that in a very real way. She is not responding as you would. Whether it's the drugs, the entitlement, mental problems, it doesn't matter, how you feel is NOT the way that she feels. She likely does feel unwanted, abandoned and unloved by her Dad. I know my difficult child does too. But you know what? <strong>You can't fix that. You didn't cause it. </strong>You can't make it better for her. It's not your job. Only she can make it better for herself. That's the point of doing all of this, to love her enough to go through the worst possible feelings any mom would have to go through, so that you can let go and let her go where God intends her to go, or where her destiny lies or what her fate is, you cannot control that. At this point, it doesn't matter what is in her mind or her heart, the situation calls for drastic action on your part so that you end this negative, unhealthy relationship that you have going and begin the process of detaching and accepting. The hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know how you feel, believe me. </p><p></p><p>It's a process, it takes time to grasp all of it, you just don't wake up one day and throw 21 years of parenting down the drain and throw her out, you go through the agonies of the damned, sleepless nights, hand wringing, big giant doubts, guilt, so much fear, and you suffer and you suffer and you suffer, just like you are doing right now. It's gruesome on so many levels. It isn't what we planned nor what we expected nor what we hoped for our kids. But, you know what? It gets better. It gets easier. You're in the hardest part right now, right before the big day, your big boundary. After that there are still feelings, but little by little you get your life back. I'm in the middle of that right now and I have some weird moments but then I get myself back on track and I feel better.</p><p></p><p>I hope you can get some support for yourself. I have a lot of support and it's invaluable. Keep posting your feelings here, we'll respond, I know it helps. Stay strong, stay centered, take deep breaths. If I were you I might start to gather some luggage/boxes and pile it up near her room. Make a list of what is yours in her room so she knows exactly what she can take with her. Tell her to begin taking what's hers out of the bathroom, kitchen, garage, etc. Make it clear that you and your husband are making plans for her departure. If the day comes and she does nothing, you can put her stuff in the bags and take them to the curb. Just start taking some steps to ensure that she understands that the end is near. And, as I said before, if you can get someone else to be there that day and disappear, that may help you a lot.</p><p></p><p>You, like me, have to learn to focus on YOU now, not on your daughter. It's a pattern you set up and it's a pattern that you have to break. She won't break it, it works for her, but it doesn't work for you, you have a right to your life now, you have a right to be happy and not have her draining you of your joy, your enthusiasm, your money, your time, your health and your life. It's your life, go take it back.</p><p></p><p>I've been very direct with you because that's what helped me to see it all clearly. In my codependency group the therapist always tells us that what happens when our difficult child's act up is that we go into a FOG and can't think clearly. Recognize that fog and pull yourself out of it. The other thing about codependency is that it feels bad, you feel resentful, guilty, tired and angry A LOT. When you are doing something out of loving kindness, that's different, it feels GOOD. Remember that. Down the line if she helps herself and you want to help her, with your boundaries secure, that will be different, but she has to help herself now. You drew the line in the sand. Good job. I'm cheering for you! HUGS TO YOU MOM, keep up the good (hard) work!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 542645, member: 13542"] Good morning LSH44, I'm glad I could be of help to you. Many here have been of great help to me and it's good to give back. You'll likely be helping someone else later on too, it's the way it goes and it's a good thing. I could have written your most recent post, I have felt every single one of those feelings. My ex and I divorced when my difficult child was 18 months old, he has had virtually nothing to do with her and when she really hit the skids and was in jail, he actually said, "I wash my hands of her." I guess 45 minutes of parenting over 39 years was his limit. For all of my difficult child's life it was just she and I too. Yes, I know those feelings of guilt, her dad abandoned her, and now you are abandoning her. Those feelings of abandoning my daughter after everyone else did, including her own husband who killed himself, (the ultimate abandonment), kept me stuck for a long time. I really want to impress upon you that those feelings are not appropriate. It's all about intention. You are intending to let her go so that she can save herself, or not. You are not just turning your back on her, you are loving her out the door in the hopes that she will grow wings on her way. Your difficult child may wander around for awhile attempting to find another who will take care of her, and she may do that, but you have to cut the cord. She doesn't have a right to treat you the way she does, that's appalling. Your daughter is abusive to you. And you have every right to end that abuse. My daughter doesn't understand the connection between her behavior and the outcome either. She really doesn't blame anyone, she just doesn't get it. There is a direct correlation to guilt and enabling and creating entitlement in our kids. Yes, if it were you losing your friends because of your behavior, you would be devastated. But it is not you, it is her and she doesn't think like you, you have to get that in a very real way. She is not responding as you would. Whether it's the drugs, the entitlement, mental problems, it doesn't matter, how you feel is NOT the way that she feels. She likely does feel unwanted, abandoned and unloved by her Dad. I know my difficult child does too. But you know what? [B]You can't fix that. You didn't cause it. [/B]You can't make it better for her. It's not your job. Only she can make it better for herself. That's the point of doing all of this, to love her enough to go through the worst possible feelings any mom would have to go through, so that you can let go and let her go where God intends her to go, or where her destiny lies or what her fate is, you cannot control that. At this point, it doesn't matter what is in her mind or her heart, the situation calls for drastic action on your part so that you end this negative, unhealthy relationship that you have going and begin the process of detaching and accepting. The hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know how you feel, believe me. It's a process, it takes time to grasp all of it, you just don't wake up one day and throw 21 years of parenting down the drain and throw her out, you go through the agonies of the damned, sleepless nights, hand wringing, big giant doubts, guilt, so much fear, and you suffer and you suffer and you suffer, just like you are doing right now. It's gruesome on so many levels. It isn't what we planned nor what we expected nor what we hoped for our kids. But, you know what? It gets better. It gets easier. You're in the hardest part right now, right before the big day, your big boundary. After that there are still feelings, but little by little you get your life back. I'm in the middle of that right now and I have some weird moments but then I get myself back on track and I feel better. I hope you can get some support for yourself. I have a lot of support and it's invaluable. Keep posting your feelings here, we'll respond, I know it helps. Stay strong, stay centered, take deep breaths. If I were you I might start to gather some luggage/boxes and pile it up near her room. Make a list of what is yours in her room so she knows exactly what she can take with her. Tell her to begin taking what's hers out of the bathroom, kitchen, garage, etc. Make it clear that you and your husband are making plans for her departure. If the day comes and she does nothing, you can put her stuff in the bags and take them to the curb. Just start taking some steps to ensure that she understands that the end is near. And, as I said before, if you can get someone else to be there that day and disappear, that may help you a lot. You, like me, have to learn to focus on YOU now, not on your daughter. It's a pattern you set up and it's a pattern that you have to break. She won't break it, it works for her, but it doesn't work for you, you have a right to your life now, you have a right to be happy and not have her draining you of your joy, your enthusiasm, your money, your time, your health and your life. It's your life, go take it back. I've been very direct with you because that's what helped me to see it all clearly. In my codependency group the therapist always tells us that what happens when our difficult child's act up is that we go into a FOG and can't think clearly. Recognize that fog and pull yourself out of it. The other thing about codependency is that it feels bad, you feel resentful, guilty, tired and angry A LOT. When you are doing something out of loving kindness, that's different, it feels GOOD. Remember that. Down the line if she helps herself and you want to help her, with your boundaries secure, that will be different, but she has to help herself now. You drew the line in the sand. Good job. I'm cheering for you! HUGS TO YOU MOM, keep up the good (hard) work! [/QUOTE]
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