at wits end

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by gemathorp, Aug 15, 2015.

  1. gemathorp

    gemathorp New Member

    My 43 yr old daughter had started with marijuana in her teens. Then she went to heroin. She married a heroin addict who abused her terribly-almost killing her 3 times. She refused to leave him because she "loved" him. He supplied her with drugs. He died from Hepatitis C. She got off heroin after she was diagnosed with HepC. I paid for the medications to get her so that she was no longer in danger. But, she then went to Oxycotin-snorting it. She also takes Xanax, Flexoril, Soma 350. She remarried, but he provided the drugs to her since her psychiatric Dr prescribed them to her! She continues to destroy herself-even after losing 4 of her children to child protective services. She has a 10 yr old girl now-who witnessed the abuse of her former spouse. Her current spouse is emotionally abusive and controlling.
    My enabling over the last 20 years has obviously only allowed her to continue her downward spiral. In the last 8 months, she has wrecked 5 cars-all rear end collisions and her fault. She drives while on her prescribed medications. She uses the prescribed for me theory as an excuse and said she needs them per the Dr. I have tried to get her to rehab, but she won't go. I own the house she lives in with her spouse and child. I don't want them to be homeless. Neither of them are working. (spouse had money from workmans comp and it has run out). I am 65 and my spouse is 76. We wanted retirement to be happy, but I am broke from helping her all these years, and am forced to go back to work again. My husband can't.
    I want to know if there is anything I can do to save my daughter? She took over 120 Xanax and almost died. She doesn't want to live if her husband leaves her or if I sell the house.(Both are things that are possible, since he is fed up and I can't continue to support her). The last car accident she was taken to the hospital and they let her go. HELP PLEASE. I don't know what I can do for her and I don't want her to die.
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    The answer is 'No'. There is nothing you can do to help her. The only thing that will help her is for you to stop helping her. Please find an Al-Anon meeting for support. Consider getting therapy for yourself. It would be great if hubby would go. Others will come along who will not be as blunt, but this is it in a nutshell.

    I am glad/sorry you had to find us. There are articles in the SA forum or the PE forum on detachment please take time to read them as well as the other posts in the SA forum. Recovery for your daughter is every bit as much about recovery for ourselves from the co-dependent relationship we have with our addicted children.

    Keep reading and keep posting. It helps.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Yes. Retire. Have a good life. Stop taking care of them I'm assuming all are adults. You are older now. Most older parents have kids who worry about them. Does yours?
    Your husband is 76. Don't you want life to be about you and him now?
    All your money and worry hasn't helped. What about after you are gone? They have to realize the free ride stops and now is a good time.
    Who bought daughter those cars?
    At this point in both your lives I would not give any of them a dime. They're all to old to be supported by mom. I would stop the advice and limit contact, take a cruise with husband and let them grow up or not. I get angry when 40 plus adults still accept money and support from elderly parents. Very selfish.
    It's your time now. Whether you decide t9o finally enjoy these golden years are up to you but that is my personal recommendation.
    Sorry for your pain. Detachment for your situation would h err l.p. you all in my opinion.
  4. gemathorp

    gemathorp New Member

    I know you both mean well, but right now, she has taken too many pills and she and her spouse are fighting. I can't stand it. I know I should just leave her alone, but how can I when she might be overdosing? She is incoherent....saying things that don't even make sense. He is going to leave her and then what? She will kill herself if she hasn't already taken too many pills.
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    OK I get where you are at.... it is very very scary to be worried that your child is going to die. I have been there I know that fear. So if she has taken too many pills and is incoherent call 911 and ask for an ambulance or ask the police to come that you are worried about her safety. That is the one thing you can do when she is doing things that could either harm herself or others. If she is really suicidal then she should go to the hospital.

    There are no magic words you can say that are going to make her want to get sober or be healthy or live.... but you can step in and call the authorities when she is a danger to herself.

    Keep us posted.
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  6. Joyfullyme

    Joyfullyme New Member

    I'm so sorry you are going through this - it is heartrending to watch our adult children spiral down into self-destruction.

    The truth is, you can't help her - not if she does not want to help herself. Please read the article on Detaching over and over again. You are not equipped to help her, change her, fix her, save her. You can't control this situation. I know how you feel - all of us here do.

    The best thing you can do for yourself - and for her - is to detach from this. Retire and spend time with your husband doing things that make you both happy. Spend time enjoying those grandkids - be joy and stability for them.

    And keep coming here and reading and posting.

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  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Gema, You probably will not like the advice that you will get on this site. It sounds harsh and unloving. It is actually the opposite. You will be telling your daughter that you believe in her. You will be giving her the power over her own life and taking your life back. You will be giving yourself permission to live.
  8. gemathorp

    gemathorp New Member

    All of your comments are helpful. It just helps to know there are people willing to listen. My daughter survived the night, but she will not leave me alone. She IS driving me crazy. I feel pulled in two directions. One just wants to withdraw and escape and never let her know where I am. The other side of me wants to just hold her and assure her everything will be ok. But I have no more money to give, no more mentally to be drained from me, since I am already empty. I almost got to the point of wanting to die, just to avoid this dilemma. I am hurting and feel I have not only destroyed myself, but her as well. I should have cut her off years ago, but now that I am where I am, I don't know the answer. She keeps telling me that she moved close to me to be near me because she needs my love, but all she does is drain me more than ever.
  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    You do not have to talk to her. She is manipulating you through your emotions. YOU have to put a stop to it. You can't change her. You can only change you. Nothing changes until nothing changes. she moved close to you so she could use you. I hate to break it to you but druggies only think about themselves.
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  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You do love her. That hasn't helped her.

    You can't keep her alive either, as scary as that sounds. All you can do is call 911 if she is in danger, nothing more.

    The only chance she has is if you do pull away.

    You've tried everything else and it isn't going to work and may kill YOU or your husband.

    I hope you don't let that happen.
  11. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    May I just say dear gema, it doesn't mean you don't love her when you stop enabling her. Your love can't save her. She has to want to change. She has to be so sick & tired of this lifestyle that she will do anything to stop. There is nothing you can do for her until she is ready for help. Don't beat yourself up over it. Life is so short already. You don't deserve what she's putting you through. ((Big Hugs))