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General Parenting
Avoiding POWER STRUGGLES with Teens
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<blockquote data-quote="jbrain" data-source="post: 283722" data-attributes="member: 3450"><p>Hi Auntalva,</p><p>I agree with your therapist. When my dtr was about 15 her therapist also encouraged me to be more of a collaborator and it certainly helped our relationship and also helped my dtr feel more in control. She was abused by her older sister when they were younger so being in control is a major issue with her. I backed totally away from homework issues, bedtime issues, all that. I have seen her grow and learn to make better choices because she is learning from her own mistakes. She spent the summer between 10th and 11th grade having to make up a bunch of incompletes in order to go on to 11th grade. I did not nag her, I did not tell her she had to do it, etc. It was her decision whether she would get the work done or not. </p><p></p><p>After that she realized she did not want to spend another summer having to do schoolwork. I was not the bad guy, it was just a natural consequence.</p><p></p><p>In this role I can sympathize with her--"wow, it's too bad you feel so tired today" (after she is up til the wee hours on a school night). I'm not the bad guy who made her go to bed, I'm not lecturing her on what a bad choice that was, etc. I am trusting she can learn from experience. (Of course some difficult children don't seem to learn from experience or they have to do the same mistake hundreds of times before they "get" it.</p><p></p><p>I have found this way of parenting to be so much less stressful and it puts the responsibility where it belongs--on the teen's shoulders. They find it much harder to blame you for their mistakes if you don't take responsibility for them and you don't rush in to prevent them (unless it is something dangerous of course).</p><p></p><p>Good luck!</p><p></p><p>Jane</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="jbrain, post: 283722, member: 3450"] Hi Auntalva, I agree with your therapist. When my dtr was about 15 her therapist also encouraged me to be more of a collaborator and it certainly helped our relationship and also helped my dtr feel more in control. She was abused by her older sister when they were younger so being in control is a major issue with her. I backed totally away from homework issues, bedtime issues, all that. I have seen her grow and learn to make better choices because she is learning from her own mistakes. She spent the summer between 10th and 11th grade having to make up a bunch of incompletes in order to go on to 11th grade. I did not nag her, I did not tell her she had to do it, etc. It was her decision whether she would get the work done or not. After that she realized she did not want to spend another summer having to do schoolwork. I was not the bad guy, it was just a natural consequence. In this role I can sympathize with her--"wow, it's too bad you feel so tired today" (after she is up til the wee hours on a school night). I'm not the bad guy who made her go to bed, I'm not lecturing her on what a bad choice that was, etc. I am trusting she can learn from experience. (Of course some difficult children don't seem to learn from experience or they have to do the same mistake hundreds of times before they "get" it. I have found this way of parenting to be so much less stressful and it puts the responsibility where it belongs--on the teen's shoulders. They find it much harder to blame you for their mistakes if you don't take responsibility for them and you don't rush in to prevent them (unless it is something dangerous of course). Good luck! Jane [/QUOTE]
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