AWOL difficult child Shows Up... Suggestions?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by HeadlightsMom, Sep 10, 2014.

  1. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    So, AWOL (since last May) difficult child showed up on my Facebook page about 20-min ago. Claims he's forgotten our phone # (which we've had for 3 yrs). Probably not, but years of meth make that possible....or just working an angle. Who knows. Says he's been clean for 1 week and wants rehab. Can he please see us tonight.

    My response --- Why? What has changed? We have tried repeatedly to get you into rehab and you either refuse (despite that it's court-ordered currently) or leave right after entering (as he did last April). Last time WE did all calling & paperwork for YOU. This time, that will not happen. YOU will do all of YOUR calling & paperwork for YOU. We love you, but, at this stage, we only believe provable results.

    His response --- Ok. I love you guys. Can I see you tonight?

    Hmmmm.... I called my husband and we chatted. Just thinking about it makes both of our hearts pound. You all know what I mean. Hubster and I agreed to this....

    --- 30-min max visit in public place (only if peaceful)
    --- No surprise questions or manipulations....or we get up and leave (we're good at this, actually)
    --- No coming home with us or money from us
    --- We will feed you at a restaurant tonight
    --- We will give you rehab contact phone # (it's our insurance), but we will NOT call for you.

    Any other ideas or suggestions? I'm open to ideas! This will probably happen in 4 hrs or so from now...IF he shows up.

    PS -- I did NOT give him our home phone #. I'm skeptical he doesn't remember it. Facebook messages work fine for contact and a reasonable barrier when needed.
  2. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member


    I think you have set up some very good boundaries and some very good safeties. I might have told him NOT tonight, rather tomorrow at a time convenient for you and husband. I never like urgent requests, and I don't like to comply with the difficult child demand for instant gratification...but since you did agree...I think you have done FABULOUSLY!!! Now stick to it. And try to let it go when the meeting is over. Shake it off go home and go to bed.

    Your expectations of him are COMPLETELY reasonable and appropriate. Go into that meeting with your head high. Remember who YOU are...remember YOUR value, your values, and your needs.

    Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

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  3. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Echo -- Thanks! Very supportive response, much appreciated.

    Great point about urgent requests. We don't tend to reply quickly if we feel totally ill at ease (we've had 3+ months off -- semi ill at ease, but not fully right now). But you make a GREAT point I'd never considered before. Don't reply quickly to urgent requests on general principle. Very good point. Thanks for the tip!

    Actually, I haven't written difficult child back yet with what hubster and I agreed to. Will mull on your point and ask hubster what he wants to do.....tonight, tomorrow or next week (we're out of town this weekend for fun stuff).

    Thanks, again, Echo (by the way, love your screen/user name!)
  4. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Echo --- On phone with-hubster now. He LOVES your idea of waiting on urgent requests. We're postponing until tomorrow. If difficult child isn't down with that, then that's his call. Hubster says, "Hello and thanks!" to you, Echo! :D
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You have a great plan. If he really wants rehab, he will call them. If he just wants to hit you up for money by saying what you want to hear, you'll find that out too.

    Meth is some bad stuff. My daughter used it.

    I totally 100% completely etc. agree with Echo on her brilliant idea not to give him an answer tonight, if in fact he still insists he wants a rehab. Make no promises about anything until you have "down" time to think it over and talk.

    Hugs and good luck! Tell us later on how it went :)
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  6. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    MWM -- Thanks! Agreed and will see how it actually goes. Thanks for your support and hugs right backatchya! :)
  7. 4now

    4now Member

    It seems like you and husband are on the same page. That is so important in dealing with difficult child's. It sounds like you have a great plan and have put the ball back in his court. Now it is up to him. Just wishing you good luck.

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  8. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    JCW -- Thank you so much! Yes, it's been an absolutely saving grade for husband and I that we have usually been on the same page. Best thing I ever did was to marry that man. :D

    I copied & pasted what I wrote in my original post in this thread (the outlined plan) and asked if he was agreeable. He said, "Yes". Will see if he shows up. Fingers crossed it goes smoothly and calmly. Yep.......the rest is up to him.

    Thanks so much for the support, everyone. We have many friends/family who support us -- but have not lived it themselves. You all have. You "get" exactly where we're coming from. I'm sorry we all face this......but I'm grateful we face it together! :)

    by the way, just saw a great quote......... "You can't Febreeze bullshit." LOL! ;)

    2 questions --

    1) Is it ok to say cuss words (none, some or all?) on this site? I'm not a big cusser (although I have had my sailor moments, I guess, when it comes to difficult child crises), but sometimes a good quote just begs to be shared. :)

    2) What is husband? I keep thinking......... Designated Husband? Haaaa! Is it Dear Husband? Or something else? Hep me wit da lingo!
  9. MyHeartHisLife

    MyHeartHisLife New Member

    I agree with the others, you should meet with him on your own time. He doesn't need instant gratification otherwise he will think he is in control. My difficult child made the decision and called on his own the second time around, all we did was pick him up and take him there. Unfortunately, it didn't work. It was only 30 day treatment which was all our insurance would pay for. We can't afford the 90 day program and until he is ready it won't work anyway.

    My husband and I have a similar strong relationship. We haven't always agreed but we find common ground. I worried this would split us up, but it's only made us stronger. We celebrate 25 years this Nov.

    As far as I know husband is dear husband but I like designated husband better!:wink-very:

    Good luck! (((Hugs)))
  10. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    MHHL -- Thanks for your supportive feedback and sharing about your difficult child's rehab experience. So sorry to hear your difficult child's rehab experience didn't work out. :( Stats I've heard state that it averages 6-7 rehab attempts before it "sticks" -- if ever. We're fortunate to have good insurance that covers the longer in-pt stay. It's shorter coverage now, but still good (my husband's a federal employee). He's off our insurance as of January, 2015.

    Good to hear you and your husband have a similar strong relationship. It makes all the difference. I have SO much respect for those who find the strength to raise kids (especially difficult child's) on their own without a husband. Not sure how well I'd do at that.

    Hey, MHHL -- We celebrate 25 yrs in January! We are sympatico on that marital front, too!

    1) Well, got the answer to my question about cuss words, above. Will avoid cuss words......and glad to know that it'll bleep me out if I slip! :)

    2) Designated Husband works for me, too! LOL! Just called back to my husband (who just got home from work) and asked him if he likes "Designated Husband". He laughed (still laughing, matter of fact) and said, "If it is so designated, then I am he!"

    K, that's all for now. Thank you all SO much for your kinds words and tips. You all are a great gift!