Baby steps for me

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by witzend, Jun 10, 2013.

  1. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I made an appointment with a Psy. D. today. I won't be able to get in until July 8. I've been internally juggling so many emotions, and it feels like they're going out of whack. The thought of letting it all go terrifies me.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    Baby steps are the best kind. And... If you are being overwhelmed... A Psy D is a good place to start. In the meantime, we're here too!
  3. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Witz, I can imagine how scared you are. It's only natural. You've held onto this welter of emotions for so long, keeping it compact and compressed lest it fly apart and consume you. Now, you're facing the prospect of having to let it all out. It's completely understandable that you're frightened.

    For years I have been in awe of your strength and wisdom. Now I am in awe of the courage with which you're facing this.

    *Many hugs my friend.
  4. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Witz, you have done the right thing.

    I remember feeling that way as I entered therapy, too. What I learned is that it was fear of the feelings that was preventing me from dealing with them. I was so scared too, Witz. As it began working, I felt myself breathe, really breathe, fully and freely, perhaps for the first time. I can't even describe that feeling Witz, except to tell you that it felt like the color pink. I found myself choosing different, more comfortable clothing. Found that I was allowing compassion for myself, in my thoughts, when always before, I had raged at and condemned myself without even realizing it, because that was the only way I knew to teach or to talk to myself.

    Small steps are so good, Witz. You deserve to treat yourself gently, and with great compassion. You have been very brave.

    Here is a quote I love:

    The pain body may seem to you like a dangerous monster that you cannot bear to look at, but I assure you that it is an insubstantial phantom that cannot prevail against the power of your presence.

    The Power of Now
    Eckhart Tolle

  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Therapy can be hard to initiate, but it is wonderful to have a non-judgmental ear. Hugs and good luck with it.
  6. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Witz, I heard this song just now and it made me think of you:

  7. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Witz, I know it must be scary, but I also know that you must be really hurting to take this big step.

    When the terror of letting it go is more appealing than the terror of keeping the status quo - it's time to change.

    Making that appointment is a really powerful thing. Good for you. :)
  8. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I like Eckhart Tolle too.

    When my difficult child started his relationship with the girlfriend from h*** (they are so much alike sigh) and the harassment started, requests from money, finally had to call the police to stop it, I started waking up in the middle of the night scared. I didn't have dreams that I could remember, but a deep dark sense of dread. I also woke up very tired each morning.

    The latest storms made me think of him, hoping he is safe and has a place to sleep and food to eat. Then, I also thought of his latest conn last year where he said he was homeless and needed money for food - I was jumping through hoops and it was all a lie - they were using my money to party.

    After 6 months of NC I am coming to terms with - his choices, his life. It is hard to let go of the dreams we had for this special person in our life. It's hard to accept that someone we love as much as we do them could treat us in such a manner. I finally accept that the son I raised is in the past - I cherish those memories. The son I have in the present has zero respect for me and I refuse to be treated in such a way. Actually, as I am facing the truth, I have zero respect for him the way he is now. I never loose hope..... but, I do not hold my breath waiting for him to change. I have started to change me, the only person I can change.

    Good for you for looking out for yourself.
    (((hugs and blessings)))
  9. Witz - You're going to be great! I understand that fear of working through that pain. Sometimes it does seem easier just to carry it around with us but eventually it wears us out and we have to put it down. Good for you. I'm sure you're PsyD. will go slowly with you and only help you process what you can handle at each time.

    Trinity - I sang that song in my head for Witz and all of us here. Great song!
  10. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    This is a Buddhist technique, I think, Witz. It helps us to climb down from that too-wound-up-to-think feeling.

    So, you take a smooth, deep breath. Gently and easily, as though you had all the time and all the peace in the world, say: "I never did mind, about the little things." Then, smile.

    That's it.

    It helps me, sometimes. When I can remember to do it.


    Another simple thing is to say, while you are in the shower: "Grasp the vine. Cup your hands and...drink." It will center you. I usually have a little sip of shower water, too. I swear, it always tastes like perfect water. I think it works because it stops that rush, rush, rush feeling of trying to get ready.

  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Trinity, I love that song, too.

    Tiredof33, what is NC?

    It's going to be a long four weeks until that appointment. I hate that I feel so ready now and that I have to wait. I know that I will bury it all and get on with my regular life again by then. If I'm not feeling as low as I possibly can, will I get the benefit that I really need from it? I'm sure that's a stupid question, but we all know how easy it is to put on a front.

    I have to say, I don't hold out any hope for L. My only hope would be that I never see or hear or think of her again. I'd do anything to wipe her and everything that went with her from my memory forever. There was never a single day that wasn't a struggle at best and more often torture at worst, and this is not depression talking. It's what it was/is.
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Yes, you will.
    Either way, it still works.
    If you've pulled yourself partway up and are stalled out... it's no different than having bottomed out at that level in the first place. You need help to get out of the pit, not just 'off the bottom'.
  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    NC = no communication, usually.
  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Ah. I thought you meant North Carolina.
  15. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    No words of wisdom, just sending hugs.
  16. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You're very courageous Witz. A wonderful quote by Anais Nin sums up therapy for me........."and the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful then the risk it took to blossom." When I have gotten to the point which you describe, taking the risk to seek therapy has been the opening, the opportunity I needed at that sounds to me as if you are on the brink of a breakthrough and you've just lined up your assistant. Big hugs to you..................
  17. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Four weeks can seem like forever when you need to start. I don't think that you need to be at a low point when you start CBT for it to be effective. As IC put it, the goal is to get out of the pit, not just to get off the bottom.

    And I understand your feelings about L. I feel the same way about my difficult child-parents. I know that estrangement from parents is a far different thing, but my hope is that they can get on with their lives without any reference to me. There's no place for them in my world, and I wish they would stop holding a place for me in theirs and trying to stuff me back into it.
  18. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I do wish there was a "like" key on the Parent Emeritus page. I would have worn it out in the last two days. I'm so raw and your words have been soothing.
  19. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Boy did you get that right.....soothing is the right word. I even read these posts in a calmed, hushed manner in my head. Man does this site rock!

    Witz....just hugs. I can't pretend to know your feelings. So just lots of hugs.