Back at the sober house

[toughlovin]

Thanks Nancy for asking how things were going!! I was actually away at a womans retreat Friday night and yesterday so have not been around. That was very good for ME!!!

So my son is back there. I did get a text from him finally asking me to call them about payment. I was relieved about that because I was scared to really believe he was back until I had some kind of confirmation!!

He is now pushing for the bike so that he can easily get to places to find a job. Apparently if he doesn't have a job within 30 days he will have a 6:30 curfew!! good. I really hope he can find a job soon because that would be the best thing for him.

So he seems like he is doing ok. The really good sign is that he does want us to come visit next weekend. I wasn't sure I wanted to go or that given the circumstances he would want us to come. But he has consistently said he wants us to visit. To me that is a good sign because our relationship has been so broken and it seems like he really wants to see us. The cynical part of me says it is just to get something from us...but now that he has a place to live maybe it really is just to connect with us (and get a good meal out).

I am reallly proud of husband and I that we stayed firm and did not rescue him. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done to leave my child homeless on the beach for a week...... but it clearly was the right thing to do and I survived it and survived it pretty well. I am so so relieved that at least he is safe and back with a place to live.

TL

 

[Nancy]

I'm so glad to hear from you and thrilled you went to a women's retreat. You really are taking care of yourself! I think your difficult child really does want to see you. You know him better and you are right to be skeptical and protect your heart, but he has consistently kept in touch with you except for those times he knew you would not be pleased with him. I don't think it's just to see what he can get from you, I think he really knows you want him to get help and you will only support that. If he didn't want any contct with you he wouldn't keep in touch like he is. You have not given him anything except for some grocery money and rent at his sober house. He must get the idea now what you are willing and not willing to help with.

I'm glad you will be seeing him next weekend. He probably does want a good meal but so does my difficult child when we visit her or she comes here. That's normal and not at all manipulative. I maybe naive TL but I have to believe that his week of homelessness has taught him that he doesn't ever want to go back there.

Thanks for checking in, you did have me a bit worried that we haven't heard from you.

Nancy

 

[buddy]

I am so glad for you. that felt like a long week even to ME, lol! What a relief it must be to have him in a home. I hear you about his wanting something, but it could be another answer, he maybe wants both...to see you AND to get the bike or something. It is still progress and you will know when you see him because you know him so well. (Q actually gave me that insight, I have said to him.. you are just saying sorry to try to earn back --whatever-- and he will say, I do want to earn back --whatever--- but I really am sorry too. Sometimes he says it is ok if he doesn't get the thing or activity, but he is still sorry--- and I usually still dont give him whatever I took for a long time, but... I can then tell if he really is sorry or not, he has a fit if he just wants the thing and just says OK and/or gives me a hug....sometimes even writes a sorry letter... if he really means sorry)


I hope for his sake he keeps working his program, finds a job, and starts to realize what a fantabulous mom and dad he has. Nice work taking care of you.

 

[toughlovin]

Thanks Nancy and Buddy..... I think I am just holding on to my reservations to protect myself....I do think this week was really hard for him. On Wed he did text me and say he wasn't sure how much longer he could do this and he thought he would end up in trouble. I do think it is quite an accomplishment that he spent a week out on the beach and did not get arrested for something!!! I suspect that at least for now he really does not want to end up back on the street.... I will start to believe a little bit more when he gets a job. That is his next major step.

TL

 

[Kathy813]

TL, I think this sounds very promising. A week on the beach would certainly be an eye-opener and the sober house must look good in comparison. You do need to stay on guard, though. We have a saying here . . . . hope for the best, expect the worst. That way you don't get your hopes crushed but may be pleasantly surprised.

Remember that the path to sobriety is seldom smooth without relapses. You are doing a great job walking that fine line between encouragement and support and enabling bad choices.

Keep up the great work!

~Kathy

 

[exhausted]

I'm glad he is safe and so proud of you. You have handled this beautifully. Fingers crossed for a job that will be good for him.

 

[toughlovin]

Thanks Everyone... he called today. He wants to get that bike so he has transportation. Now he is back there we are going to do that for him (no direct money though we will do it via credit card over the phone). But he sounded good. I asked him about his time on the street and he did not share much but his tone of voice made it clear he does not want to repeat that experience.I think it really was a wake up call. I asked him about the conversation getting back into the sober house. Apparently they talked about what happened and made it clear he is on 0 tolerance for infractoins.... if there is another infraction he would have to be out for 30 days. He said he does not want to have to do that!!

I am kind of impressed with this place (though I have never seen it). I mean we all know that relapse is part of recovery.... and it seems like this place recognizes that too... so if he someone screws up they are not out forever but they also don't just get forgiven with no consequence either.

We talked about our coming down this weekend and we will get to see where he lives which I am looking forward to. I am looking forward to seeing him.

TL

 

[lovemysons]

Toughlovin,
I think your son learned some valuable lessons (through his consequences) this past week.
I know it must have been terribly hard though on your mommy heart...It would be for me too!
But, Now you and difficult child are BOTH survivors, huh?

Fingers crossed that your difficult child gets a job.
And... Am hoping you guys have a wonderful time together this next weekend. You deserve it!

Hugs,
LMS

 

[toughlovin]

So I touched base with the manager of the sober house today. So far so good... my son is doing good at least for now while he still as the fear of God in him. I said I thought they were brilliant for giving him something to work towards.. and he said a lot of it was us, that many parents jump in and save them. OK I will take the pat on the back.

I did tell him that we did let him have the grocery store that we didn't want him to have to steal to eat. He said that was what dumpsters are for. LOL. Really I think there is real value in these sober houses, having recovering addicts run them because they know what it is like. There is nothing like learning from someone with experience!!!!

I did ask him if my son was clean when he came back. And he said yes he would not have been allowed back if his drug test was dirty. Phew.

So for my son to stay on the street for a week and also stay clean is an acoomplishment!!!

Lets hope he keeps it up.

TL

 

[rejectedmom]

It sounds good. Glad he managed to stay clean and out of trouble. I understand your guarded optimism. As the others said be happy and protect your heart.

Are you talking about a pedal bike or motor bike? If pedal bike, why can he not just get a used one from the salvation army or thrift store? I have bought used bikes in good working order for as little as $25. You are going to see him next week, maybe you should go thrifting before you go and bring the bike to him. Also if it is used he won't be tempted to sell it.