Back from probation intake

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by katya02, Dec 17, 2008.

  1. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I just got back from a numbing seven-hour drive through the Alleghenies to get difficult child to his probation processing. On the whole it went well. difficult child was horrified to learn that he has to pay $600 in fines and court costs (and probation costs - they charge $40/month to the 'client', which I think is a great idea). He came out of the session with the costs and fines office fuming, saying this would take all his money, that he'll never save enough to move out etc. Then it came out that they've set it up for him to pay $50/month for a year, when his probation's only six months. Pretty good deal! I pointed out he'd have no problem saving, with only having to pay $50/month.

    He was obviously hoping I'd shell out for the fees but no dice. I was SO stupid last year, paying his underage drinking fines and telling him he could pay me back. No more.

    difficult child is going on again about how awful his life is, how terrible husband is to him etc. husband IS depressed, angry, and irritable after his MI and being put on total activity restriction. difficult child says husband called him fat this morning, before we left ... that could mean anything from husband literally saying 'you're fat' to husband asking difficult child not to use four or five eggs in his breakfast, so that the others could have some eggs ... everything gets twisted when difficult child reports it. I know husband is very fed up with difficult child's thoughtlessness (reconfiguring the home network so he could play WoW all night and then leaving everyone else with no internet this morning, for example) and slobbish habits (sleeping in, taking an hour to 'get ready' to help me with the outdoor Christmas lights, then coming upstairs in pajamas, a bathrobe, and a leather jacket when the lights were all finished). So they're at each other again hammer and tongs. I just tell difficult child to save his money and move out if he doesn't like it here.
  2. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    Katya ~ Seems like a good "sign" that difficult child thinks his life is AWFUL. Hopefully that would mean his "bottom" is the road he is traveling down.

    Good for you to not pay his fines ~

    It took me so long to stop rescueing - making excuses and feeling sorry for my kids and start making them feel the consequences for their actions.

    I hope this is a eye opening experience for your son and maybe "hitting" him in the pocketbook will make him think before he does something foolish again.

    Have a WONDERFUL Day ~ Judy
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Katya, you've come a long way, baby......from the not paying his fines this time and your refusal to engage in his infantile behavior. I'm proud of you! :bravo:

  4. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Good JOB momma!!!!! Let him reap his own consequences.

  5. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I look back on the last year or so and scratch my head, and think, WHAT was I thinking?? To have believed difficult child's story so quickly when I picked him up in May after he'd been arrested; to have paid the fines for BOTH his underage charges during the year; to have hired an expensive attorney immediately to defend him when the college said he'd be needing a lawyer. That was a very expensive rescue!

    I do find that in the last few months I've been able to take a giant step backward, away from overinvolvement (maybe something to do with all his violence and threats? ) and taking on responsibility that isn't mine, and rescuing so that somehow everything will turn out all right for difficult child. It may not; that's up to him. husband was upset last night thinking about the situation, saying that in one year difficult child has gone from a great situation - having passed first semester of college, having a wonderful girlfriend, and having his whole life lined up and waiting - to complete disaster. I think it was inevitable given difficult child's SA problems and general personality. He seems to need to bonk his head against things a couple of times and learn the hard way before things sink in. So be it.

    difficult child was very angry and upset about the amount of his fines and court costs, and today the counselor said he has the lowest costs she's ever seen. So he was told to count himself lucky! He has to get a letter saying whether he needs further drug and alcohol treatment; it'll be interesting to see what the counselors say. He's talked himself into the idea that he doesn't really have a SA problem, that it's just his obessional behavior from being 'borderline autistic' - !!! - he looked through his old files and pulled that one out! - so he thinks he can drink once he's 21 without a problem. Riight. I think he has some way to go before he hits bottom. One thing I know, he's not living in our house and drinking, even once he IS 21.