Back to square one :(

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
JKF, OK, deep breaths. I recall you being afraid of him a few months back when you thought he was going to show up on your door step. Same advice goes now, keep your alarms on, your doors locked, your cell phone near. Keep yourself and your family safe. If he comes to your home with any disturbances, call the police immediately. If none of that is an issue now, good. If you didn't get an alarm system the last time, get one now.

Remember he did this same stuff when he was in a different state, until he found the shelter he stayed in for awhile. He's closer to home now so you have to protect yourself and set different boundaries. You've already established that he cannot live with you. That is crucial and you did a good job.

It's hard with your 12 year old, he can't understand why his brother can't stay with you, but perhaps having a talk with him and explaining as best you can to a 12 year old how you don't feel safe, that you love difficult child, but because of his own actions, the consequence is that he has to live elsewhere. You might also reassure him it is difficult child's choices which lead him here and when your 12 year old grows up he can make better choices where he won't be denied access to his mom and dad's home. Sometimes kids make up stories about their own safety when confronted with a situation like this, in other words, he may be also worried that he will someday have the same fate as his brother, denied the privilege of returning to his home. I would make it clear to him that it is difficult child's actions and choices which prompted your choice to keep him at bay.

It's hard JKF, there is no way around how much it hurts to turn our own kids away. I think it was Scent of Cedar who said, it's a "personal devastation unlike anything else." It hurts us, especially us Mom's, who bear these children and then watch helplessly as they make such poor choices which create so much drama and struggle. All you can do is try your best to stay calm, make sure you have all your boundaries set and your home safe, take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other. You have the power to take care of yourself, regardless of what your difficult child does, you have tools you can use, I think you have a counselor, (I'm not entirely sure of that, but hope so) you've accomplished detachment when he was far away, you can do it when he is close too, it's just a matter of learning the ropes now. What will he do now that he is close to you? You don't know that and that is what is scaring you. But, you will know that in a few days, he may just go about doing what he did in the other state, refuse any authority whatsoever, BUT, he may not hang around your home, you don't know that yet. And if he does, I think you have a restraining order, right? Then you call the police. You have options here, you are not alone, nor are you without choices. You're strong, you've proven you can be detached, just take it one step at a time now. Until you know what he will do and then you can act with the tools you have in your detachment arsenal. You've done all you can do, you set him up with services, That's all you can do now.

I'm sorry this is so stressful, I understand, it brings back a lot of memories for me to read your posts...........but I made it through this insane territory and so can you............one moment at a time. You've had a few months where you were doing really well, you WILL get that back, really you will. It's like these are tests, they come at us, we handle what's in front of us, we do it a number of times, each time we get better at it, better at setting those boundaries and feeling really truly detached.......... and little by little we get stronger, until one day, your really good moments far outweigh the bad ones and your life is peaceful. This is just a moment in time, it will pass and you will learn from it and move on and feel better..............HUGS.........
 

JKF

Well-Known Member
God how I wish I could hug each and every one of you! Having this kind of support is what has helped me get stronger and I am so grateful. Although I'm having a bad moment in time right now, it's true, this too shall pass. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other.

I did talk pretty openly and honestly with my younger son today. He knows that difficult child's actions are preventing him from being here but it still makes him sad. I am going to have his therapist talk with him in depth about this on Friday.

As for now doors are locked, alarm is on, cars are locked, etc. Phones are charged and next to me although I think tonight will be ok. About 10 min ago difficult child called and said he calmed down and he's sorry about being so upset before. He said he met a few guys who are nice and attended an AA meeting even though he's not an alcoholic. I think it's a rule that whoever is staying at the shelter is required to attend the meetings bc most are in fact alcoholics. I did thank him for calling me to tell me that he was still there bc otherwise I would worry all night.

And you're right RE - I'm scared of the unknown. I don't know what the heck to expect and I'm expecting the worst. But as long as I stand firm and keep boundaries things should be ok. Hopefully he'll get some rest tonight and tomorrow will be better for him. This is a new situation and I'm sure he's scared but he has to deal with it and be willing to stick with it.

So yes - tomorrow is a new day and I will try my best to help him find some better housing. It may take time but I WILL try as long as he's willing to try too. And now, although I haven't had to do this often lately, I am going to take an Ambien and have a deep sleep. I need it desperately. Thank you all again and please keep sending good vibes my way. I truly believe that helps so much and I need all the help I can get right now.
 

dashcat

Member
Hang in there. It is so hard when they won't help themselves. You're doing all you can do. The rest is up to him.

Dash
 
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