Wow....so two days ago it was rainy all day. I knew the night before that it would be raining all day and dreaded the thought of being stuck inside all day with my 3 year old. She won't sit and play, or color with me, or do anything real nicely with me for any period of time that would help. Usually she's like the energizer bunny on speed. But she had a really good day even being inside. Then yesteday she woke up and had a not so great morning, but we had to get dressed for her to go to school (2 hour preschool), and she didn't want to get dressed, didn't want to go to school (very unusual for her as she loves going out and loves being with other kids....I think she's starting to realize that they expect some sort of structure at school and it's bugging her...and that the "good" kids get stamps on their hands, and she has yet to get a stamp on her hand). I finally get her out the door, also carrying my 7 month old in the baby carrier...next thing I know my 3 year old is across the street chasing birds. Now, we don't live on a busy street, but still. So we get to school and I warned the teachers she wasn't having such a good morning. But when I picked her up, they said she wasn't bad...maybe a little better than the last time, which was a little better than the time before. Still not good enough for a stamp. She did good sharing, and did good helping to clean up, but doesn't do good in circle time when they're expected to listen and participate in singing/dancing/sitting. The rest of the day wasn't bad. Today....OMG. I am just glad she's in bed right now. From the time she got up until the time she took her nap she was like the evil energizer bunny on speed....running around...chasing dogs....hitting and throwing things....telling people to shut up....hitting dogs....tantrum after tantrum....went into time out finally, and when her 2 minutes were up, I went to talk to her she said she didn't want to talk and turned her back to me. Of course the whole time she's in a time out she is screaming, and crying, and yelling, and "mommy come here...I sorry". but that's from the minute she's put in time out. They don't seem to work on her behavior, but it gives me two minutes of her at least sitting still, sort of. Not two minutes of quiet, but at least she's not breaking anything in time out. Seeing as they don't work, I only put her there as a last resort, and as a sort of "let's try to regroup". Sometimes it calms her down a little anyway. Then I go up to shower. there is a child gate at the bottom of the stairs so she can't just go upstairs and get into things, and so the 7 month old doesn't get brave and try the stairs, and so the dogs don't go up there unattended. Anyway, anybody going up the stairs without her is always a cause for a huge tantrum, and is anybody going outside without her. I guess after she noticed I went up the stairs she was telling my mom and my fiance that I "whipped" her. I think they misunderstood, I think she was trying to say "mommy with me"....as she doesn't ever say "Me with mommy"....but I guess it was a quite dramatic and long tantrum because she couldn't come with me. We went grocery shopping, (her, the 7 month old, their daddy, and their grandmother). Of course when it's all of us it's a 3 store thing. She wanted a special something (for her it can be anything....won't keep her interest anyway). the first two store she was told if she was good she could have something, and of course she wasn't good, and didn't get anything. I had to chase her down in the first store to get her out of there. So of course she's throwing fits. I had to pick her up to get her back to the car...of course the whole time she's yelling "owie" as if I'm hurting her (all I am doing at this point is carrying her). She doesn't want to get in her carseat. Ugh. The second store she wouldn't stop messing with the cart...and the 7 month old was in the cart. I finally put her in the seat because I couldn't handle her being able to go all over the store....she got mad at one point and started to take off on her father and I. So she got nothing there either, but this time didn't throw a fit. the third store she wasn't as bad, but we always have an issue with her just sitting in the child seat of the cart. She lays in it, tries to sit backwards where her little but ends up being on the handle for the cart, which is so dangerous I know, goes into the basket of the cart. Basically she needs her own cart in a grocery store. But...she didn't throw any tantrums in there...she didn't scream, hit, yell, cause a scene. We did get her something there. We got home and it was time for her nap. Since daddy was home today I napped with her. It just kills me how peaceful and happy she is when she is sleeping, and how disruptive and monsterous she is when she is awake. I always start crying when I watch her sleep. She had the feeding issues and reflux as an infant, and she doesn't seem all that happy now. I keep questioning why a child would be born if they were meant to be miserable their whole lives? I can't help but look at other mothers with children who do not act this way...where they can sit and draw or do crafty things, do a puzzle, teach them things, and wonder what it's like...and be envious because it must be nice to not be told to shut up or be treated like you are hated, at least for one whole day. It's so hard to give unconditional love to a child that seems to hate you. Ever since she was born I have taken parenting as a very serious issue...everything you do when you raise a child can have a lasting impact on them. I have tried really hard to be the mother I wanted to be, and it seems like with her it is going to be a fruitless effort. When she was 18 months I thought it was early terrible 2's. For the past year, I was chalking most of it up to the terrible 2's...but the older she gets, the worse she gets...the more she acts like some day she's just going to get to a point where she pops from all of the energy and aggression she puts out, and it's very very rarely a good energy. *sigh* sorry to go on and on. Maybe I'm just tired tonight. Maybe I'm just overemotional tonight. I don't know. I watch her some days and wonder how I'm ever going to get through all this....wonder if she's ever going to be a legitimately happy person. I wonder how she's going to make it through life...with school, personal relationships, the law (the way she acts I'm so fearful she'll end up in juvi by the age of 13). I'm terrified at the thought of her future. I know we haven't even started therapy, or anything else, just some days are so overwhelming all I can do by the end of the day is watch her in disbelief that she is so defiant, and acts so "crazy" hyper and aggressive.