Bad, bad news

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemyson1, Jun 16, 2015.

  1. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Hi dear people,

    I sadly am here to report to you that my son, after seeming to be so clean, healthy, working, focused, everything.... has relapsed. My daughter found a burnt spoon in the bathroom this morning. I am devastated and so hurt! I can't believe that it only took him 7 days to relapse! You all warned me not to bring him home and I humbly and respectively thank you. I just wish I would have listened. After 100 days of sober living, he just couldn't resist. I'm so shocked!!! This addiction is truly a prison! My husband is taking him back to the mens home he was previously at in the next hour or so, I hope he doesn't resist. I will never ever allow this in my home again. I feel so bad for my husband, he wants his son back so bad. This is so visciously hurtful.
     
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My heart sunk when I saw this. I am so sorry. It is so hard when they get out and the relapse rate is so high. Hopefully he will get back on track quickly because it was caught so soon. Hugs to you LMS.
     
  3. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Remember, that unfortunately, relapse is part of recovery. This tells him and you that he needs to be in treatment a lot longer. I stand by my opinion that rehab should be a minimum of one year and sober living after that...addiction IS a beast. I am so sorry you are hurting...
     
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  4. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    So sorry LMS. I too, have been in the same place as you. We want to help them but they have got to do the work themselves. I have tried to help my son but I have stopped. My son is 43 and I am so tired of his life style. He has been to rehab three times but he goes back to his drugs every time. I refuse to get my hopes up because it is so painful to be let down time and again. I have blocked his phone number and have no contact with him. I know how much you are hurting. Hugs for you.
     
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  5. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    He won't agree to go to the mens home. He has a job interview at 2. He's refusing to leave. My husband told him he must go. We are locking him out when he leaves for interview. OMG, I hate this!!!!
     
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so, so sorry. It feels like kick in the gut when they relapse. PG is right, though. Relapse is part of recovery. We were told at one point that the average addict relapses seven times before they finally get sober and stay sober.

    At least you know that you gave it a shot and it just didn't work out. You son will have to find his own way towards a lasting sobriety. You now need to focus on your husband, daughter, and most of all . . . yourself.
    :group-hug:

    ~Kathy
     
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  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Please don't blame yourself. You meant well. He let himself down and needs to finish a rehab program and slowly get integrated into the world and hope for the best. Not all drug addicts need to go through all this, but many do.
    One of my mottos is "actions speak louder than words."

    Also, don't forget (and if you aren't aware do read up on his drug of choice) how HARD it is to get the need to take this drug, whatever it is, out of his system. A drug addict will have to learn coping skills he can use forever and, yes, relapse is part of healing. It is often easier for adult kids who are addicts to be in a safe place than at home and out in the world. That's where temptation lies.

    I would tell him this time his words mean nothing to you. Only his actions mean something.
     
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  8. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Thank you all for the loving support! Your words are more comforting than you know!
     
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Lovemyson,

    I find it encouraging that he allowed you folks to see the spoon. After all, he could have concealed his use for an extended time. It could have been accidentally left, but I do not think so. I have known addicts who concealed their use from families for years.

    If I am correct, no matter what he says, he is depending upon you to set an immediate and absolute boundary. I support you and your husband in locking him out now. That is exactly what he needs: clarity and strength.

    What are you going to do about the ride to return to treatment if he asks for this, sooner or later? And also think about how you will deal with phone calls, requests, contact with him as long as he does not return to treatment.

    Lovemyson, he was not ready to leave treatment. This is better revealed sooner and not later. There is learning here, for him and for you and your husband.

    You did not fail. He did not fail. He is an addict. This is what addicts do. Until they don't. I agree. You should not ever again take responsibility for his recovery, especially in your home.
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2015
  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Copa - I agree completely. After my daughter relapsed, she passed several drug tests at probation. She finally had enough and really wanted help - she just didn't know how to ask for it. That is when she failed the drug test at probation. I swear, it was like it was on purpose. But it worked and it got her to the best possible place she could be.

    lms1 - your son needs to go back to treatment. Period. Any help you offer him at this point, if any, has to be ONLY to get him back into treatment. (((HUGS)))
     
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  11. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Thank you all for your wisdom! He refuses to go back to the home. He just got a job and wants to live his life. He won't do it at our house but I will continue to pray for Gods protection over him and that he break his addiction for good!
     
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I am sorry you are going through this.... it is awful to go through this and I have been through it several times. I agree dont let him live with you, it is easier in a way to not have him living there and his use in your face all the time. You need to take care of you and the rest of your family.

    Copa is right thing about what your stand is going to be.... with my son we did tough love and let him be homeless and it was awful for us, but we always took the stand we would help when he was willing to help himself but we would not help him self destruct. So there were times when he was not in treatment, and on the street, and when he got tired of that he would agree to treatment.

    I have gotten to a place now where I realize this really is his journey, it is not mine. I cant dictate what his path looks like.... so again as long as he is doing positive things and going in the right direction I am willing to help (to a point). He is doing things his own way now, but he is working, paying his rent, and taking a lot of positive steps.... I am seeing progress even thought it is not totally in the form I had wished for.

    Hugs for you.
     
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  13. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I am so very sorry to hear this.
     
  14. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    Oh man, my heart sank just seeing the title of your post. I had SOOOO hoped this was it. He just wasn't ready. Hang in there, we're here for you.(((huge hugs))))
     
  15. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Thanks for the love.. You all are the best.. Your words really are comforting. We all have had such pain and some still do. It's really sad. I'm telling myself it's his journey. I can't help him, he has to help himself.
     
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  16. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    LMS1, I am so sorry. I understand how crushed you and your husband are.

    As everybody has said, relapse is such a part of this disease, and it's almost inevitable. It doesn't mean he is a bad person. It means he can't stay clean right now.

    He may have to hit another, harder, rock bottom before he is sick and tired enough. Everybody is different.

    I'm just so sorry for your hurting heart. Set your boundaries and decide what will and won't work for you.

    If he continues to use, it will catch up with him, and he will have to deal with those consequences. You can't protect him from himself. He has to walk the path.

    In time, you can decide if and when you will see him, and under what circumstances. At one point, my Difficult Child and I would meet at the day shelter on Fridays and he would come and sit in my car for 10 minutes. That was what I needed and all I needed at that point. It was about me.

    Hang in there! Things can turn around, in time. Work to let go, and focus on YOU. You deserve a great life.
     
  17. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Thank you childofmine! It makes it easier with the support here. Knowing that you all have been through it and know what to expect. I feel confident that I've learned a valuable lesson and that its my sons journey and I need to step back and let him go. I hurt and I worry buy I have no control. He made this choice. But may I just say, "I HATE ADDICTION!!!!"
     
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  18. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I don't think you will find a single person on this site who will disagree with you. It's ... one of the ugliest things.
     
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  19. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    He's at the house now. I'm at work and his father who was crying before he got there, is now angry. Our son just argues about everything sensible. The emotional roller coaster is so insane! He's there to gather his things and go. It's sad. He keeps blaming us, saying he only slipped up once. Boy, we've heard that before. He sure likes to put the guilt on us and not take accountability. Total addict behavior. We gave him 2 places to go to that are christian based and work programs. He says he has two jobs and he will be ok. However, he keeps trying to keep his foot in the door and we said, no. We said he can come over as a guest when he is invited but that's it. So the journey begins...
     
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  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He only slipped up once in only ten days.

    We learned that getting over addiction takes time and a changed mindset. His thinking his slipup was ok is an excuse. He is not ready to quit once he is away from protective doors. If he will go back or go to some rehab and do the entire program and then a step down, that may be best for him. Of course, he has to want it.

    My daughter did not go to rehab, but it was a real fight within herself to quit. It was not fast. She did not one day say, "That's it. I'm done." She relapsed too. Peer pressure to keep using, from old "friends" who knew or know them when they did, will do everything to tempt them back. Seems like they hate to see somebody quit. My daughter had to leave the state and start fresh to quit.

    Your son will have to do what he feels will help him the most. Unfortunately, everything we try can not stop them. All our love does not trump the desire for their drugs of choice. They have to really, really want it in order to quit, however they do it. I've been here (the forum) a long time and never yet seen somebody come back home and quit. That just seems to be at odds with the disease. And it IS a disease.

    You did and always have done the very best you know how. But this is not within your power. He is the only one with the power. Let him get angry. You know you are doing what is best for him and, better yet, YOU. You and your husband deserve peace and sanity. j

    Hugs and hoping for the very, very best.
     
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