Bad times

[katya02]

Bad times are here again. difficult child 1 has waayyy overused his Ativan script in the past few days, resulting in an inability to do anything (including take a call he was expecting from an attorney he wanted to represent him for SSI), but not an overdose state. He is now having panic attacks but refuses to see a doctor or the crisis team. He doesn't make criteria for admission but is not functioning and will need to step down his Ativan gradually to avoid withdrawal.

He became angry at me this evening, then dissolved in tears and claimed I had 'awakened the old nightmare' and he couldn't look at me any longer. I talked with girlfriend for awhile but he still wouldn't see me again, so I went home. I told girlfriend to have a very low threshold for calling 911 or crisis team. I took his car keys (it's our car) and asked girlfriend to stay in close touch. difficult child 1 has answered my text this evening but still says I awakened bad memories and he is now in a panic thanks to me (not the drug).

girlfriend told me that difficult child 1 was drinking while they stayed at our house (he's good, I'll give him that - didn't catch it on his breath once), and also since they moved to their own place. She did say he poured all the alcohol down the drain when he started on Seroquel almost a month ago and hasn't been drinking since - but this binge with the Ativan is a major one. I think he may have figured out how to drink without her knowing, and maybe went too long yesterday, then overdid the Ativan.

husband is working ER tonight. If difficult child 1 ends up there with an overdose or cutting episode, or alcohol/benzo respiratory arrest, husband will have to take care of him (there's only one doctor on at a time). I wanted to get difficult child 1 seen late this afternoon but he honestly didn't make criteria for a 302 and refused to be seen.

 

[HaoZi]

*HUGS* hon, I don't know what to say other than I hope it gets better.

 

[Hound dog]

(((hugs)))

I'm so sorry Katya. Do you think, if psychiatrist could be contacted, that a new script for enough to get him through until refill time on the ativan.......would be able to be made, with like you holding the pills for him so he can't over take them again? Bff's Mom did this once for her because she'd abused them, then went off the deep end because she didn't have them. She kept the new script locked up at her house and only gave bff the one per day. I know bff was abusing other medications and of course other drugs......but this at least made certain she wasn't going off the deep end because she'd used up her ativan. Some docs will do this, others won't. Just thought it might be an idea.

You and difficult child are in my prayers

 

[ThreeShadows]

I'm so sorry it has come to this. I hope husband doesn't see him in the ER. You both have been through enough pain.

 

[KTMom91]

I'm so sorry, katya. Hugs and prayers.

 

[1 Day At a Time]

Katya,

I'm sending lots and lots of hugs. Ativan turned our normal placid difficult child into an out of control, raging guy. He roundly cursed out his doctor and threatened husband and myself when he was prescribed it. He blamed us all for the troubles of the world. Our life got back to normal only when we insisted this medication be stopped. No joke, he was truly like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

I can only imagine how you are feeling about this, because I remember those days well. I hope that he can step down this medication and get this medication out of his system. It is definitely not for everyone.

Valerie

 

[katya02]

He didn't end up in ER last night, for which I am thankful. But he's not talking to me. I texted him today to ask how he was doing; after five hours he sent a text saying he doesn't trust me enough to tell me, and that I've 'hurt him like no one else could'.
His girlfriend hasn't been in touch. So, life goes on. I have no idea what I said or did that made him so angry. If he won't tell me, I can't dwell on it. But it's frustrating and depressing. I know it's the drugs talking. He gets nasty when he's not clean.
He's sweet and polite and logical and appropriate when he is clean. It's his choice, now. I knew the stress of losing the baby was a big danger for a relapse and here it is; just wish it hadn't happened. I'm reciting the Al-Anon three C's to myself over and over.

 

[Hound dog]

Katya I'm wondering if the loss of the baby coupled with what is now going on with the girlfriend just plain sent the boy spiraling over the deep end into major depression. Nichole got the same way following my bff's death (she was like a very close aunt to Nichole growing up). It sent her spiraling and her behavior went haywire..........well, if you saw the posts during that time then you know. ugh Although it made not one bit of sense, her anger over bff's death she directed right at the very people she loved most, her family. I still think it's because we're a "safe" haven for them. They can get angry at us, but we'll always be there with open arms when they're ready.

That he is answering you is a good sign. Keep reaching out from time to time just to let him know you're thinking of him, still loving him.

I'll keep difficult child in my prayers and you as well. Hang in there I know it's absolutely heart wrenching to watch your kid do this and know there isn't much you can do to take the pain away.

 

[scent of cedar]

Katya, we were told that our addicted children will act out with the parent they trust not to reject them. As parents, I think we need to remember that when our kids are, or have recently been, free of drugs, they are in even more pain than we are. There is no cushion then, between themselves and what they have done to their lives.

It must be such a hopeless feeling.

It is so hard to experience compassion for the kids when we are angry and worried to death about them. But, if we can find our way to that place where we act appropriately toward them (no more willingly pulling the wool over our own eyes) without judging them based on what we see, but on who we know them to be in their hears, it gets a little easier.

Wishing well, Katya.

Barbara

P.S. The Serenity Prayer helped me when I was too worried to sleep. The site moderator at that time (Suz) told me to read it until I got it. I did, and it helped. Here it is, for you:

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The Courage to change the things I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

I would repeat it over and over. It's short enough to remember without frustration, and it got me through many horrible nights.

 

[Nomad]

All the comments re: how much he has hurt you and how he can't talk with- you sounds a little abusive to me. He's a young adult. He should know better.... if he is abusing drugs...he should seek treatment for this and let go of an issue with- you. If he has had too much stress in the recent past...same thing. He should ask a physician or a therapist for their opinion and help. This is what adults do when they are experiencing something overwhelming and my guess tough times has come often for him since he is a difficult child. True, he may have literally experienced extra very rough times of late. But it doesn't change things...much...might not change them at all. He is still his own keeper. And if he has an issue with- you in the past...he is free to discuss this with you. My guess is you would be willing to talk about anything in the past anyway. I did not read every last detail of this...but my gut tells me that as best as you can...detach from the drama. Do what you might do to provide help, but remove yourself from the drama-trauma 100 mph. If your son ends up in the same ER as your husband, is their a physician on call that could help out? I am sorry for this. It is an extra burden for you and your husband. Sending good thoughts. The Serenity Prayer does help. (hugs)

 

[katya02]

Thank you all for your support and comments. I find it so helpful to get others' perspectives. difficult child 1 called me last night and apologized for the things he said on Thursday. He sounded low and said things were bad with his girlfriend; that she had been
upset and hysterical and he wasn't able to deal with it, so was shutting himself in his room. He didn't have any insight into why she was so upset. She had texted me earlier telling me that she was crying constantly and very hurt that difficult child 1 wasn't supporting and hugging her the way she does him.
I think this last several days have been something she hasn't seen with difficult child 1 before. He does withdraw and blame others when he's in bad shape. He told me last night that he won't call crisis team at any time because he doesn't trust 'the system';
he doesn't trust them not to arrive with police and just arrest him and lock him up again, and he knows a 'crisis call' would then be on his record. His bad experience in college, when the campus police turned a check on his wellbeing into a
nightmare of threats, intimidation, illegal searches, and interrogation without benefit of counsel, has made him permanently distrustful of reaching out for help. I can't reassure him because, frankly, I don't trust the system anymore either.

He did say he would like to come by tomorrow because he got a letter from social services and doesn't understand it. He is an adult but he seriously does need ongoing help with many things. I told him that, if I hear from him in the morning, I'll stay home and help him; if I don't hear from him by a certain time I'll go out and run errands. I gave him advice about stepping down off the Ativan
and I hope he takes it (the advice). In the meantime I'm saying the Serenity Prayer - a lot.

 

[HaoZi]

*hugs* Katya, I hope he does call you in time.