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Bah Humbug 2
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<blockquote data-quote="katya02" data-source="post: 395503" data-attributes="member: 2884"><p>Thanks, everyone, I really, really appreciate it. I have a horror of being oblivious to others; when I look at my own mother and how much damage she did to all of us over many years, and know that she's still oblivious, it makes me afraid that I could be that way. But I do see red flags with daughter's boyfriend - very much a drama king, very self-preoccupied, everything goes according to his schedule and daughter fits in, yet he will keep her dangling until an hour past a date and then call it off without an apology, and SHE ACCEPTS IT. This is not what I taught her about relationships. We had lots of talks and read books together when she was a younger teen, without any boyfriend in sight, </p><p>precisely because, as we discussed, it's easier to get your priorities and principles in order before you get into a relationship, than to ad lib once you've fallen for someone. Yet, the moment she fell for him, everything went out the window. Of course she's not the first, nor the last! But it doesn't stop me worrying.</p><p></p><p>I'm going to carry on and have a nice family Christmas Eve; I've ordered some new games and big jigsaw puzzles, which we love to do, and I'll have a special menu and snacks that night, etc. And when she comes home I'll give her a hug and a kiss. I'll just have to put on my game face and not let her see how I feel.</p><p></p><p>I'm fuming tonight because difficult child 2 informed me (he admittedly tattles on his sister regularly) that daughter has gone to her boyfriend's for the night and is planning on driving home straight from there with him tomorrow, in spite of the arrangement being that we will talk with daughter in the morning and, depending on the weather and roads, either she will be allowed to come home with him (he doesn't have snow tires) or WE will go and pick her up with our 4WD and snow tires.</p><p></p><p>Her boyfriend goes to college in the same city, but not at the same school. She apparently spends every weekend at his place. At Thanksgiving I talked with her about how she has a limited window of time right now - four short years - to be at university and get everything out of it that she can. And that she's shortchanging herself by leaving campus every weekend and not participating in activities and making friends there. She's on a special arts floor that has mandatory activities and I don't imagine she can be attending them all. I told her she has a LONG time to be a wife and mother (her plans post-college) and this is HER time. I'm not comfortable at all with her spending weekends at his place but I focused on the other points. It doesn't seem to have made any impression. </p><p></p><p>I appreciate the support and the reinforcement that it's ok to expect her to contribute while she's home, not just treat us as a hotel. That sounds silly, but honestly I'm at a loss. She's been the 'perfect' teen up until this boyfriend and now I'm at sea, and don't want to make the mistakes my mother did. So the reality check is much appreciated. </p><p>Hugs to all!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="katya02, post: 395503, member: 2884"] Thanks, everyone, I really, really appreciate it. I have a horror of being oblivious to others; when I look at my own mother and how much damage she did to all of us over many years, and know that she's still oblivious, it makes me afraid that I could be that way. But I do see red flags with daughter's boyfriend - very much a drama king, very self-preoccupied, everything goes according to his schedule and daughter fits in, yet he will keep her dangling until an hour past a date and then call it off without an apology, and SHE ACCEPTS IT. This is not what I taught her about relationships. We had lots of talks and read books together when she was a younger teen, without any boyfriend in sight, precisely because, as we discussed, it's easier to get your priorities and principles in order before you get into a relationship, than to ad lib once you've fallen for someone. Yet, the moment she fell for him, everything went out the window. Of course she's not the first, nor the last! But it doesn't stop me worrying. I'm going to carry on and have a nice family Christmas Eve; I've ordered some new games and big jigsaw puzzles, which we love to do, and I'll have a special menu and snacks that night, etc. And when she comes home I'll give her a hug and a kiss. I'll just have to put on my game face and not let her see how I feel. I'm fuming tonight because difficult child 2 informed me (he admittedly tattles on his sister regularly) that daughter has gone to her boyfriend's for the night and is planning on driving home straight from there with him tomorrow, in spite of the arrangement being that we will talk with daughter in the morning and, depending on the weather and roads, either she will be allowed to come home with him (he doesn't have snow tires) or WE will go and pick her up with our 4WD and snow tires. Her boyfriend goes to college in the same city, but not at the same school. She apparently spends every weekend at his place. At Thanksgiving I talked with her about how she has a limited window of time right now - four short years - to be at university and get everything out of it that she can. And that she's shortchanging herself by leaving campus every weekend and not participating in activities and making friends there. She's on a special arts floor that has mandatory activities and I don't imagine she can be attending them all. I told her she has a LONG time to be a wife and mother (her plans post-college) and this is HER time. I'm not comfortable at all with her spending weekends at his place but I focused on the other points. It doesn't seem to have made any impression. I appreciate the support and the reinforcement that it's ok to expect her to contribute while she's home, not just treat us as a hotel. That sounds silly, but honestly I'm at a loss. She's been the 'perfect' teen up until this boyfriend and now I'm at sea, and don't want to make the mistakes my mother did. So the reality check is much appreciated. Hugs to all! [/QUOTE]
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