Battle Coming

[2ODD]

A couple of days ago, my husband showed my 9 y/o that his cousin (same age) has a FB account. Needeless to say, my child wanted one too.

husband told him NO!

I offered a mediation of compromise to try to diffuse the rapidly growing tension. We allow the account BUT we have full access to it. My son agrees. husband won't budge. Of course, a fight ensued. Just another night in the life.

Last night my child tries to set up his own email account, with the help of my husband, and discovers that as a minor, Yahoo want 25 cents. husband says NO again. So, what does my son do? Alters his birth date so that it reflects that he's over 18.

I hear my husband tell him things like "Dont use that as you password. Use something you'll remember." then turns around and tells him that he can't have an email account again and yells at him because he altered his birthdate. Another fight ensues. Another night in the life.

This morning (kids don't have school today) my child opens a FB account.

Can we all predict what will happen when his dad finds out?

 

[AnnieO]

I would have your child CLOSE THE ACCOUNT.

Honestly, there is a good reason facebook requires an age of 13. And it's simple - kids canNOT protect themselves online.

Of course, this is coming from a stepmom whose stepdaughter had a MySpace at age 10 (NOT husband's choice nor mine), and stepson who has no interest in facebook (thank heavens).

I know this sounds harsh - but seriously. He needs to play with friends in real life more at that age. Just my $0.02.

 

[Marguerite]

His dad is an inconsistent idiot sending mixed messages. Hasn't got a clue, seems to me that he's deliberately trying to stir up conflict. First he shows son the FB page od same age cousin, and then says the equivalent of, "nyaah nyaah, YOU can't have one."

Son who is inventive, tries to find a way around it. Every turn, dad puts up another obstacle. Son keeps finding ways around the obstacles. Dad sounds to me like he's spoiling for a fight and knows darn well what will happen and wants it to happen. He just wants an excuse to blow a gasket and lash out.

Mind you, dad advising him on passwords is classic mixed signals. No wonder son goes ahead and does what he wants - what's the point of obeying a man who changes his mind faster than the wind and who will get cranky whatever son chooses to do?

Time to exercise your exit plan, methinks.

Marg

 

[DaisyFace]

2ODD--

There are plenty of kid-friendly email accounts and kid-friendly social sites. At age 9 - that's probably where he should be...

Try these:

http://www.clubpenguin.com/

http://www.roblox.com/

http://www.jumpstart.com/

Close the Facebook. There's no reason for him to be on it - and no reason to escalate a bad situation.

 

[dashcat]

Why on earth would your husband show him his cousin's FB account if he was against him opening one? He's acting like a child himself.

This is what I told my daughter when she opened a myspace at age 14. "You can have it as long as anything you post is something that Nana and Father H (priest at our church) would be comfortable reading it". I had her password and monitored her account.

FB can be a good thing if it's used properly. My 12 year old great-niece has an FB and I love reading about her cheerleading tryouts, choir concerts and such. She lives about 1200 miles away and wouldn't even know her great-Aunt Dash if it weren't for FB!

You need to have a private conversation with your H and find a way to resolve issues with your son without involving him in the push-me-pull-you.

Dash

 

[Marguerite]

Dash, from past posts I don't think 20D's husband is safe enough to have such a private conversation with. Nor would he stick to anything agreed, I suspect because he doesn't even know his own mind from one minute to the next.

Normally that is advice worth following. But in this case - it's just one more example of why this is a toxic environment for all.

Marg

 

[dashcat]

Thanks, Marg. That's what I get for posting without knowing the history. Many hugs, 2ODD.

 

[HaoZi]

Prediction: husband does his rampage thing, Mom, kids, and pets move out as soon as the coast is clear.

 

[AnnieO]

I hope that this doesn't happen - I really hope the getting away happens but not the rage.

 

[2ODD]

So, here's what I did.

I closed his FB account. I told him that I was doing it because he chose to open an account despite the fact that he wasn't granted permission which is deceitful. Deceit and lying are not permitted in this family. Then I told him that once he can prove that he can be trusted on the computer again, we will revisit the possibility in a conversation but, in the meantime, he will go without computer priviledges unless it is something for school in which case, we will be supervising closely.

I really don't believe that having a monitored FB account is so bad since it would be a great way of communicating with his older brother and grandparents. Ihad to look at the principal of the whole thing. If I had let him keep the account, it would be teaching him that it's OK to do things without permission or behind my back. I can't have that. I want him to learn that it is better to be honest and straightforward with people and that's how we get things in life.

As for the husband, I'm not sure that I will ever get to the point of having a conversation with him about it because we won't be here that long.

Of course, after I closed it down and told him why, he was furious. Understandable but I worked my way around it with a picnic and play time at the park.

It was great to see him interacting and playing with his younger brothers. They were chasing each other around pretending to be the tickle monster and I was hot on their heels with my own tickle fingers out. Nothing like good old play time with the parents as a distraction. He was laughing and happy. Not something that we see a lot of. I am going to have to find more ways for the boys to learn team work and fun with one another. With summer coming, that may be more feasible.

So, how did I do? Good choice or bad?

 

[AnnieO]

Let him know the behavior was unacceptable - Check.
Redirected him when he started to get upset - Check.

YUP! My opinion is that you did a great job. Way To Go!!!

 

[susiestar]

You did GREAT!!!

I totally understand how you feel. thank you just opened an account on FB. He is 11 and asked first. He still LOVES club penguin - to the point that he saves his $$ up and will even ask for chores to earn $$ to be able to do some of the stuff you have to pay for. Mostly it is a game he and his bff really like and play "together' from their own computers/homes. Neither of my children who live in my home has ANYTHING online that I cannot see/get into.

Your reasons for closing his account are exactly the ones that I would have and I would have closed the accounts also.

I do NOT think that talking with your husband is even worth thinking about. It simply wouldn't be safe for you or the kids. I hope that you leave very soon - it simply isn't safe to continue living with your husband.

Marg is right - your husband is trying to set up fights. He wants to fight so bad that he is actually arranging ways to upset your son. Showing your son the website that his cousin has is guaranteeing that your son will ask for one. No way your husband did not know this. NO. WAY. Then telling him that he cannot have one is instigating the fight. It is giving himself an "excuse" to yell, scream, hit and terrorize the entire family and esp this son. It shows that he knows on some level that his rages are out of line and that he is trying to find ways to rage that will be somehow "okay" and not abusive.

I am glad to know that you have a plan. I hope it can be executed sooner rather than later. It must be so hard to be there when you know that soon you won't have to walk on eggshells in fear of his rage.

If at all possible, take your children for an abuse exam after your husband's next rage. The mroe you can document his rages and how they hurt your children (even "just" mentally/emotionally) the more you can get the judge to order supervised visitation only. This is important as many places now give shared parenting to all divorced couples with children unless abuse is proven. If your cell phone has a video camera it might be an unobtrusive way to record his rage - but ONLY if you can do it in a way that does not further endanger either you or the kids.

You have tons of support, encouragement, prayers and concern from all of us here. And guardian angels to protect you and the boys as you go through this waiting period, the exit, and as you settle into life without him.

 

[dashcat]

Absoultely the right choice. You are spot on about the deceit and you've given him strong motivation to become trustworthy with the computer. And the play time? priceless.
Dash

 

[DDD]

Super Job! I'm so impressed that you are able to maintain the balance needed. I'm in your Fan Club!
DDD

 

[2ODD]

Thought that you would enjoy a good chuckle. husband wanted to take the kids out tonight and have a family night. So, he asks us each what we would like to do. Of course, he gets 4 different responses. And the chaos starts!! He looks at me and asks," how is it possible that you can have all the kids at home with you all day and when you want to go somewhere, they just line up and go without a fight?"

I looked at him. I didn't say a word. I wanted to say "act like an adult and learn some parenting skills and you may have some success". But I just looked at him.

 

[Marguerite]

I don't think he is capable of getting it. I also think that at some level he feels his family slipping away from him and he is trying to cling on tightly. But doesn't know how. Very sad, but you should not put yourselves at further risk.

Re you closing the FB page - you made a very wise decision under the (complex) circumstances. The only thing I might have done differently is to talk to him first before you close it and explain why; perhaps even engage him in the decision to close it as a mature, responsible, honest way to handle it (because of the deception involved). Especially given that you will reconsider after a certain amount of time has passed (and dad can't blow a gasket).

I also agree with you, a monitored FB page could be a good way for him to stay in touch. But MONITOR it! A young friend of difficult child 3's has his own FB page. I friended him when I started up. I have been horrified at times by the often unsuitable content. I am fairly sure his mother not only monitors it but also at times uses it (could account for some of the unsuitable content!)

FB is good to maintain contact. But it is not the only way. Our kids when under-age joined Gaia. difficult child 3 has recently been back playing Gaia again, a lot. He found a battleship game there which he enjoys. Gaia is designed for kids under age (possibly under 18 but more than 15; I'm not sure) and is careful with supervision/moderation. No photos are used; instead you create/customise an avatar, buying more stuff for it as you earn points. There are places on the site for private conversations - easy child 2/difficult child 2 used it a lot when she broke up with first boyfriend. It was unfortunately Gaia where he blogged nastily about her, but her next boyfriend was already quietly on the scene as a friend and supported her - through Gaia. They used to have long, very private conversations there which helped her resolve the issues and handle them maturely. And he is the guy she eventually married. They did already know each other in the real world, Gaia just helped them stay in touch on another level.

Marg