My youngest daughter is an inspiration to me. She has been unwell since aged 4 but her light and determination shines through. She's wonderful.
BDP daughter wants to her & I to go family therapy
- Thread starter Lioness
- Start date
Thank you for your kind words. Iam so proud of my 3 adult children even the difficult one. And you are right noone gets it 100% right.
Copa She too is my daughter and I love her with all my heart. She is smart, funny, loving when she chooses, an absolute stunning beauty, academic and a delight. I miss her this is why Iam getting so angry and upset. But she can be cruel, vindictive and lashes out and the lashing out is usually at me. She has admitted in the past that she does it to me because she can and she knows that I will always love her. I have never told her that I think she has borderline or maybe narcisstic personality disorder. I have everything about these disorders and she seems to have these traits. I would never, ever say this to her or anyone else. With regards to responsibility for the break down of our relationship I fo take responsibility for some of this. When she was 12 years old her Dad left. She hated and blamed me even when he admitted to her that he was to blame. It was a terrible time and she was very difficult & challenging. At times i did yell at her and ground her but she did worse she attacked me physically, stole from me and made everyone's life a misery. Yet I would always try and reach out to her but she was hysterical when angry. We all would tiptoe around her moodswings. Yet I still tried s hard with her and it was never enough. Our relationship wasnt good at this time. But I never gave up on her. We seemed to be ok the last few years until this year when she started with yet another therapist on her own and coupled with an argument she had with her husband she started on me again. Whenever things aren't going well she lashes out at me. The family therapist we saw together for one session said to her that she is used to using me as an emotional punch bag and that she needs to try and change this pattern. My diff daughter of course then decided she didn't want to go anymore as the therapist could see through it all. Iam by no means a perfect mother but I have always done my best. I told my daughter that Iam sorry if I have ever hurt her in the past by being angry or snapping at her. It was never intentional. I told her that I will always love her. It wasn't enough for her nothing is. I will try to rise above this but am finding it hard as I have always gone above and beyond and she takes advantage of me because she knows no matter what I would always be there for her. I know that you are coming from a good place but believe me I love my daughter. If I didnt I would find this very easy.
I think this is the crucial fact my daughter has been hurt and manipulated by her father. She was his number one above the other two and he showed it. She basked in his love then at aged 12 he turned his back and replaced her with a 25 year old secretary. He didn't make time for the kids at all. He would switch his phone off at 9pm. He didn't bother with them for 4 months! She was devastated and hated me for it. In her 12 year old mind mummy couldn't keep Daddy. He refused to try again and come back yet when I served divorce papers he cried to my daughter and said " how could mummy do this to me". Seriously?! He is a very clever businessman and a multimillionaire and a prize manipulator. I believe this has impacted on my difficult daughter and damaged her. I also think that I became depressed and cried a lot during that time and she probably felt let down by me. I had no family to lean on. I tried to get her help but she refused to go. Maybe I should have forced her.
SWOT yiu are right there is a distinct possibility that I could be destroyed. But Iam playing a part in my destruction too as I try and try too much to fix things when I don't have control. It's not up to me. Iam not a bad unloving person. I have never fallen out with friends and Iam not confrontational. I don't want to let my other two adult children down. I love all 3 of my kids no matter what. During difficult daughter teenage years she took up a lot of my time and attention. I don't want this to happen again as it isn't fair on the other two. They are hard working, loving decent people. They deserve my love and attention. I will never stop lovingy difficult daughter butu other two need me too. Thank you for understandung the Borderline Personality disorder as it's hard to imagine if you don't come across someone like that. I had my mum, Grandfather and my ex husband with Borderline (BPD) and or narcisstic disorder. It's hard to be around them even when you love them.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Lioness I know you love your daughter. I have never doubted it. Nobody can. Nobody can judge you.
The thing I am saying is that you can choose what part of yourself to empower. Your hurt and fear or your enduring love and patience as a Mother.
If this was anyone but your child, you would have the ability to move on. But this is what makes all of our situations so difficult. Our children are running around on the streets holding our hearts. And there is no walking away from this.
The normal responses we would have used in our lives: to run, to denounce them, to divorce them, will not work in this situation. Because we love them. They are part of us.
Do you not think I get it? Your fortitude, your courage, your will as a Lioness will not help you in this. Because your relationship with your daughter is defined by your love. You cannot rid yourself of love, to get over this. Nothing will cure it, except for deciding, your deciding. You can go to Mars let alone Greece and you will love her. You will miss her. You will love your granddaughter.
This is the tragedy of my Mother and I. I did not know how much I loved her until I was losing her and lost her. It was always right there within my grasp. I never knew.
I know you love your daughter. Live that love without conditions. Let her be. Let go your expectations. Live inside your love for her without wanting one thing to be different. All of that exists within you to choose. Right this second.
I do not mean to hurt you Lioness.
I will conclude this way. You read a book and you found that your daughter may share traits with people who have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. OK. All well and good.
Where do you go with this? What comes next?
You still have and want a relationship with her. At least with your granddaughter.
You then have only one choice if you go from this: to separate yourself from your daughter as suggests SWOT, whose views I respect.
Of course this is an option, if you want to do it.
I am suggesting a far easier and more hopeful course. Disconnect from the strong feelings you have of resentment, injustice, anger, unfairness....see if you can feel what might lie behind them.
COM recently posted about our fear as mothers that our difficult children might die, in the risky situations they find themselves in. My son has a mortal illness for which he does not take essential, lifesaving medication.
COM posted that what helped her was to force herself to think about, really face the possibility that her child would die. This was what enabled her to be less afraid.
I forced myself to think about the possibility of my son's death. It was really hard because I warded it off. I forced myself.
And surprise, surprise. What was beyond the fear was the deepest and sweetest love that I can remember feeling. There was no want. There was no fight. There was no fear. Just the purest and sweetest love. I did not want to leave that feeling. I want to live within it.
I do not know how you will get there but I believe the same is true for you. You have the capacity to let go of your wants, over which you have no control. And to feel the love you have for your daughter, the unconditional love.
By no means do I mean by this that you let her victimize. Or am I even talking about seeing her. Or talking to her. What I have written pertains only to you and inside of you. So that you can find peace.
None of us deserve abuse. Not from anybody. You loved her, you love her, let her go. Let her have control over her. You will never, ever win in a battle with her. Surrender. And you will find your love there.
The thing I am saying is that you can choose what part of yourself to empower. Your hurt and fear or your enduring love and patience as a Mother.
If this was anyone but your child, you would have the ability to move on. But this is what makes all of our situations so difficult. Our children are running around on the streets holding our hearts. And there is no walking away from this.
The normal responses we would have used in our lives: to run, to denounce them, to divorce them, will not work in this situation. Because we love them. They are part of us.
Do you not think I get it? Your fortitude, your courage, your will as a Lioness will not help you in this. Because your relationship with your daughter is defined by your love. You cannot rid yourself of love, to get over this. Nothing will cure it, except for deciding, your deciding. You can go to Mars let alone Greece and you will love her. You will miss her. You will love your granddaughter.
This is the tragedy of my Mother and I. I did not know how much I loved her until I was losing her and lost her. It was always right there within my grasp. I never knew.
I know you love your daughter. Live that love without conditions. Let her be. Let go your expectations. Live inside your love for her without wanting one thing to be different. All of that exists within you to choose. Right this second.
I do not mean to hurt you Lioness.
She is an adult now. Nothing you can do or not do will change one thing. She is in charge of her. You are in charge of you. There is nothing more than that.
The thing is, she does not have to accept that she is responsible. She can reject it and what can you do? Right or wrong means nothing, Lioness. She can do what she wants. The more that you dig in feeling that she is wrong, and you are right, you are giving up control. COM has written a little bit about that recently in her thread about True North I think.
I will conclude this way. You read a book and you found that your daughter may share traits with people who have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. OK. All well and good.
Where do you go with this? What comes next?
You still have and want a relationship with her. At least with your granddaughter.
You then have only one choice if you go from this: to separate yourself from your daughter as suggests SWOT, whose views I respect.
Of course this is an option, if you want to do it.
I am suggesting a far easier and more hopeful course. Disconnect from the strong feelings you have of resentment, injustice, anger, unfairness....see if you can feel what might lie behind them.
COM recently posted about our fear as mothers that our difficult children might die, in the risky situations they find themselves in. My son has a mortal illness for which he does not take essential, lifesaving medication.
COM posted that what helped her was to force herself to think about, really face the possibility that her child would die. This was what enabled her to be less afraid.
I forced myself to think about the possibility of my son's death. It was really hard because I warded it off. I forced myself.
And surprise, surprise. What was beyond the fear was the deepest and sweetest love that I can remember feeling. There was no want. There was no fight. There was no fear. Just the purest and sweetest love. I did not want to leave that feeling. I want to live within it.
I do not know how you will get there but I believe the same is true for you. You have the capacity to let go of your wants, over which you have no control. And to feel the love you have for your daughter, the unconditional love.
By no means do I mean by this that you let her victimize. Or am I even talking about seeing her. Or talking to her. What I have written pertains only to you and inside of you. So that you can find peace.
None of us deserve abuse. Not from anybody. You loved her, you love her, let her go. Let her have control over her. You will never, ever win in a battle with her. Surrender. And you will find your love there.
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BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Lioness, it is of course your choice.
She should be over the divorce or in intensive therapy. She is middle age and didn't do such a good job keeping her children's fathers in her life. She is cruel to you.
These are facts. What you do with them is your choice and how happy you want to be is your decision 100 percent
She should be over the divorce or in intensive therapy. She is middle age and didn't do such a good job keeping her children's fathers in her life. She is cruel to you.
These are facts. What you do with them is your choice and how happy you want to be is your decision 100 percent
SeekingStrength
Well-Known Member
Hi Lioness,
I sure don't know what is right for you and your daughter's relationship. But, it was after 15 years of emotional and verbal abuse, and after 1.5 yrs after finding this forum, I finally texted our Difficult Child that it was over. Do not contact us again. If you are on our property, we will call the police. Down the road, if your want a relationship, certainly, we would be all for that but you would have to make some big changes first.
Did it feel good? No, it did not. Was it freeing for husband and myself? Yes.
I bent over backwards to keep a relationship with our (very hateful) Difficult Child for years. I did not fathom "checking out". Until, one day, I finally did. I had been perfectly willing, for a very long time(!!) to try anything to keep him in our lives. Shoot, until I found this forum, i never even recognized it was not okay to answer a phone call --maybe not the first time, but eventually. He was our son; what choice did we have?
And, at what cost for husband and me? For what benefit to Difficult Child? Difficult Child certainly was most assuredly not getting better! In fact, he was getting meaner, feeling more empowered to cower us, to make demands. I have mentioned this before, and got some funny feedback, but he one time called this "reparations". Mind you, most of his accusations were purely delusional, aka made up crap.
My hurt just continued. Sure, we love him. Absolutely.
I would never ever recommend our decision to anyone - but, if there comes the day when you just KNOW..... You KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you have tried everything and nothing you do helps your child. In fact, your choices seem to be holding your offspring back from taking care of his/her life and you sure as heck know it is hurting you, emotionally and financially, then I get it.
Not a fun option, but if you arrive there with your Difficult Child, well....you just do. No changing the reality of that realization.
I sincerely hope it does not come to that for you. But, if it should, well, you will survive. And, as I said, it would only happen because you would just know. (Kinda like when I knew it was time to retire. Something far less dramatic, but when it is time, you.just.know. Googling helps not a bit. You just know.
I will continue to pray and hope for something better down the road for my family.
Keep on doing the best you can. And, stay close!
SS
I sure don't know what is right for you and your daughter's relationship. But, it was after 15 years of emotional and verbal abuse, and after 1.5 yrs after finding this forum, I finally texted our Difficult Child that it was over. Do not contact us again. If you are on our property, we will call the police. Down the road, if your want a relationship, certainly, we would be all for that but you would have to make some big changes first.
Did it feel good? No, it did not. Was it freeing for husband and myself? Yes.
I bent over backwards to keep a relationship with our (very hateful) Difficult Child for years. I did not fathom "checking out". Until, one day, I finally did. I had been perfectly willing, for a very long time(!!) to try anything to keep him in our lives. Shoot, until I found this forum, i never even recognized it was not okay to answer a phone call --maybe not the first time, but eventually. He was our son; what choice did we have?
And, at what cost for husband and me? For what benefit to Difficult Child? Difficult Child certainly was most assuredly not getting better! In fact, he was getting meaner, feeling more empowered to cower us, to make demands. I have mentioned this before, and got some funny feedback, but he one time called this "reparations". Mind you, most of his accusations were purely delusional, aka made up crap.
My hurt just continued. Sure, we love him. Absolutely.
I would never ever recommend our decision to anyone - but, if there comes the day when you just KNOW..... You KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you have tried everything and nothing you do helps your child. In fact, your choices seem to be holding your offspring back from taking care of his/her life and you sure as heck know it is hurting you, emotionally and financially, then I get it.
Not a fun option, but if you arrive there with your Difficult Child, well....you just do. No changing the reality of that realization.
I sincerely hope it does not come to that for you. But, if it should, well, you will survive. And, as I said, it would only happen because you would just know. (Kinda like when I knew it was time to retire. Something far less dramatic, but when it is time, you.just.know. Googling helps not a bit. You just know.
I will continue to pray and hope for something better down the road for my family.
Keep on doing the best you can. And, stay close!
SS
Childofmine
one day at a time
Lioness I have been following along here. Lots of good conversation and we know how hard this all is. It is very very hard.
Two things.
Never forget that you have choices. Every single day...you have many many choices about how your life will be. Never delegate your happiness to the whims of another person. Claim your power over your own life. That means... Realize your daughter is just one person in your life. Realize your grandchild is just one person in your life. Grieve the situation and then recognize the many good people and good things in your life and give them the proper weight. Don't weight your whole scale of happiness on the daughter and grandchild. That is out of whack.
Second, alanon is basically free group therapy for people who are enablers and have trouble with boundaries. It is for us. You and me. Find the meetings in your area and start going. It will make an in review difference in your life if you will go consistently. Most of my healing has come from alanon and I am forever grateful for the changes in ME. I am a much more mature, balanced and healthy person today.
Hang in there.
Two things.
Never forget that you have choices. Every single day...you have many many choices about how your life will be. Never delegate your happiness to the whims of another person. Claim your power over your own life. That means... Realize your daughter is just one person in your life. Realize your grandchild is just one person in your life. Grieve the situation and then recognize the many good people and good things in your life and give them the proper weight. Don't weight your whole scale of happiness on the daughter and grandchild. That is out of whack.
Second, alanon is basically free group therapy for people who are enablers and have trouble with boundaries. It is for us. You and me. Find the meetings in your area and start going. It will make an in review difference in your life if you will go consistently. Most of my healing has come from alanon and I am forever grateful for the changes in ME. I am a much more mature, balanced and healthy person today.
Hang in there.
Childofmine thank you for taking the time to listen to me and also Seeking Strength. Is Al Anon Alcoholics Anonymous? I didn't know I could go if that's the case as I don't even drink any alcohol! Silly me. You are right in that I have been to obsessive over the situation with my difficult daughter. It's my youngest daughters graduation tomorrow and despite her Ill health she has got her degree and even started a job working as a researcher and counsellor for helping Young disabled people. I am so proud and I want to make the day so special for her. I have brought her a gift and will take her out for a special meal. It's her day and dare I say even mine. So there's time for a celebration.
AA is Alcoholics Anonymous.
AlAnon is officially for family members who are dealing with an alcohol-addicted spouse/child/parent. However, many AlAnon groups cover a broader audience than just alcohol issues. Enabling and co-dependency are often dealt with at AlAnon
Thank you for clarifying that for me. I need to definitely find a meeting or therapist for sure.
