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BDP daughter wants to her & I to go family therapy
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 658668" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Billy, the hurt is real that you are talking about. The question is: What do we do with it?</p><p></p><p>Do we keep expecting better from a person who has already shown us and taught us, over and over again, what he or she has to offer?</p><p></p><p>Do we get hard and cynical about it?</p><p></p><p>Are we angry, bitter, sad, resentful, pushy, demanding, whiny, controlling, punishing, passive/aggressive? </p><p></p><p>I can tell you that before I began working on my own recovery from enabling, I'm sure I did all of these things and more, and I still have expectations of people that are unreasonable. I can still get mad, and defensive and hurt, and pop off about it. </p><p></p><p>But today, the turnaround is quicker and I realize more and more what is my business and what is not. What is reasonable and what is not. What is reality and what is not.</p><p></p><p>Reality is what is. What we see right before us, with no interpretations needed. </p><p></p><p>This is what we must learn to deal with, reality. And the actual way to do that is to get right inside ourselves. We have to learn how to behave differently. Because we aren't going to be able to change them. Nothing we can do or say will change another person. So, we have to change ourselves. We have to change what we say, what we do and how we behave. Our feelings may not change, but we have to unhook our feelings from our words, our actions and our behavior.</p><p></p><p>We can learn to do this, with lots of work and help. Therapy, Al-Anon, reading books like CoDependent No More, writing here, journaling, being kind to ourselves with adequate rest, play, exercise, food, small kindnesses...all of these tools and more will help us change and help us turn the bright light of focus that we are so used to shining on others...right back onto ourselves. Where it should have been all along.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there. We are here for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 658668, member: 17542"] Billy, the hurt is real that you are talking about. The question is: What do we do with it? Do we keep expecting better from a person who has already shown us and taught us, over and over again, what he or she has to offer? Do we get hard and cynical about it? Are we angry, bitter, sad, resentful, pushy, demanding, whiny, controlling, punishing, passive/aggressive? I can tell you that before I began working on my own recovery from enabling, I'm sure I did all of these things and more, and I still have expectations of people that are unreasonable. I can still get mad, and defensive and hurt, and pop off about it. But today, the turnaround is quicker and I realize more and more what is my business and what is not. What is reasonable and what is not. What is reality and what is not. Reality is what is. What we see right before us, with no interpretations needed. This is what we must learn to deal with, reality. And the actual way to do that is to get right inside ourselves. We have to learn how to behave differently. Because we aren't going to be able to change them. Nothing we can do or say will change another person. So, we have to change ourselves. We have to change what we say, what we do and how we behave. Our feelings may not change, but we have to unhook our feelings from our words, our actions and our behavior. We can learn to do this, with lots of work and help. Therapy, Al-Anon, reading books like CoDependent No More, writing here, journaling, being kind to ourselves with adequate rest, play, exercise, food, small kindnesses...all of these tools and more will help us change and help us turn the bright light of focus that we are so used to shining on others...right back onto ourselves. Where it should have been all along. Hang in there. We are here for you. [/QUOTE]
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BDP daughter wants to her & I to go family therapy
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