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BDP daughter wants to her & I to go family therapy
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 658672" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Yes. But what kind of person is it who hones hatred, who holds onto it, who refuses to grow through it and into compassion.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>There is always a because. The question here is why she is still using that same old wrinkled up and dried out "because".</p><p></p><p>Because it works, that's why.</p><p></p><p>You did nothing wrong, Billy.</p><p></p><p>Billy.</p><p></p><p><em>You did nothing wrong.</em> You did the best you knew and when you knew better you did better.</p><p></p><p>That's from Maya Angelou.</p><p></p><p>You know what else she says? "Believe them the first time, when they tell you who they are."</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>"NO."</p><p></p><p>It would be beneficial for you to see a therapist on your own, Billy. You are coping with some very toxic stuff. When we are addressing this kind of toxicity, this kind of determined intent to do us harm from someone we believe loves us, it is best to have a trusted therapist beside us to help us see clearly.</p><p></p><p>Al Anon could be beneficial for you.</p><p></p><p>N A M I, an alliance determined to help those affected by the inappropriate behaviors of those we love, may be helpful. </p><p></p><p>An internet search for the words that come up for you might be helpful. Just go ahead and google the words, and see what you find. We are not the only ones in the situations we are in, Billy. But we are making our ways through it.</p><p></p><p>And you will, too.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I would like you to enter individual therapy first, Billy. He or she will help you know how to work through these issues with your daughter. She is so hurtful that I think you should not be in therapy with her yet. I do not think you should tell her you are going into therapy for yourself, if you decide to do that, either. We need safe sanctuary to heal, Billie. It seems that our abusers will move heaven and earth to steal that safe haven, that sanctuary, away from us. So it would be good, I think, to keep all things having to do with your healing far away from your daughter's view. For just this little time until you are stronger, she does not have to know.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>Copa? I love your new avatar. Living, flowering plants and the pink buildings.</p><p></p><p>I like it very much for you, Copa.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh, that breaks my heart for you. It is one horrible thing to be threatened, and another realm of horror entirely to have been treated as you have been.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry those things ever happened to you, Billy.</p><p></p><p>Plus, I think your husband was an irresponsible jerk. Men do not get a free pass to abrogate their responsibilities because they have been fool enough to entertain themselves with other women who are low enough to have sex with someone who is a married person. You know what they say: If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you.</p><p></p><p>And I hope she does.</p><p></p><p>And she probably is, whether he knows it or not.</p><p></p><p>Or wishes she were. All that money may be keeping her home, nights. For now.</p><p></p><p>That must have been an awful thing to go through.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry that happened to you, and to your family, Billie.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Me, too. Not the children's home. But I understand how that would have felt safe to you.</p><p></p><p>Boy, do I.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Me too.</p><p></p><p>It was scary to be a mom at first, because I was so afraid I would be like my mother, and hurt my own babies. And with every phase of their developments, I would have to keep learning all I could about how to be a good mom. I knew what not to do? But I had no way of knowing what <em>to </em>do.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My sister is very like my mother. There is that genetic piece I posted to you about earlier. It is probable that every behavior of your daughter could be attributable to her genetic heritage. What sorts of people in the father's genetic line?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>In my family of origin, everyone lies. They unite against the family member they have chosen as a focus for a kind of wide-ranging hatred they feel. They can be so clever about how they do it too, Billy. This paragraph has that "uniting to hate" feeling.</p><p></p><p>Be wise, and be wary, Billy.</p><p></p><p>As our Seeking Strength tells us, stay close to the site during this time.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That's because, in my know everything this morning mindset, your daughter and her father have a different end game in mind. Where you anticipate healing, they anticipate uniting to destroy you.</p><p></p><p>That is how things seem to work in my family of origin.</p><p></p><p>You could have blown me over with a feather when I figured that one out.</p><p></p><p>It was true, though.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I feel that way about myself too, Billy. But what was doing me in was compassion. I just couldn't believe that it could possibly be what it looked like. I wondered what was the matter with me, what kind of person could think those kinds of thoughts about their own families.</p><p></p><p>Now I am progressing toward better.</p><p></p><p>It has been a very hard thing.</p><p></p><p>But I am doing it Billy, so that means you can do it, too.</p><p></p><p>Those same qualities that kept us all tied into them are the qualities ~ the refusing to see ourselves as victims, the bravery to never give up whatever the shame of the thing or the hurt of it, that compassionate nature that</p><p> kept us believing in them no matter what ~ all those qualities are the strong, true things that will help us come through what is happening to us, now.</p><p></p><p>For me, it is a true thing that these terrible things have always been happening. I never defined their actions in that way.</p><p></p><p>I am still so surprised.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>No. You are being honest. That is a good beginning place for each of us who finds themselves in the situations we are in. Please post to us after the therapy session, Billy. You are no longer alone with all of it. Remember to maintain scrupulous anonymity. This is a public site. If your abusers learn you have found a safe place, a sanctuary place, they may stalk you, here.</p><p></p><p>You merit sanctuary, and you need it, to heal.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 658672, member: 17461"] Yes. But what kind of person is it who hones hatred, who holds onto it, who refuses to grow through it and into compassion. There is always a because. The question here is why she is still using that same old wrinkled up and dried out "because". Because it works, that's why. You did nothing wrong, Billy. Billy. [I]You did nothing wrong.[/I] You did the best you knew and when you knew better you did better. That's from Maya Angelou. You know what else she says? "Believe them the first time, when they tell you who they are." "NO." It would be beneficial for you to see a therapist on your own, Billy. You are coping with some very toxic stuff. When we are addressing this kind of toxicity, this kind of determined intent to do us harm from someone we believe loves us, it is best to have a trusted therapist beside us to help us see clearly. Al Anon could be beneficial for you. N A M I, an alliance determined to help those affected by the inappropriate behaviors of those we love, may be helpful. An internet search for the words that come up for you might be helpful. Just go ahead and google the words, and see what you find. We are not the only ones in the situations we are in, Billy. But we are making our ways through it. And you will, too. I would like you to enter individual therapy first, Billy. He or she will help you know how to work through these issues with your daughter. She is so hurtful that I think you should not be in therapy with her yet. I do not think you should tell her you are going into therapy for yourself, if you decide to do that, either. We need safe sanctuary to heal, Billie. It seems that our abusers will move heaven and earth to steal that safe haven, that sanctuary, away from us. So it would be good, I think, to keep all things having to do with your healing far away from your daughter's view. For just this little time until you are stronger, she does not have to know. Yes. Copa? I love your new avatar. Living, flowering plants and the pink buildings. I like it very much for you, Copa. Oh, that breaks my heart for you. It is one horrible thing to be threatened, and another realm of horror entirely to have been treated as you have been. I am so sorry those things ever happened to you, Billy. Plus, I think your husband was an irresponsible jerk. Men do not get a free pass to abrogate their responsibilities because they have been fool enough to entertain themselves with other women who are low enough to have sex with someone who is a married person. You know what they say: If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you. And I hope she does. And she probably is, whether he knows it or not. Or wishes she were. All that money may be keeping her home, nights. For now. That must have been an awful thing to go through. I'm sorry that happened to you, and to your family, Billie. Me, too. Not the children's home. But I understand how that would have felt safe to you. Boy, do I. Me too. It was scary to be a mom at first, because I was so afraid I would be like my mother, and hurt my own babies. And with every phase of their developments, I would have to keep learning all I could about how to be a good mom. I knew what not to do? But I had no way of knowing what [I]to [/I]do. My sister is very like my mother. There is that genetic piece I posted to you about earlier. It is probable that every behavior of your daughter could be attributable to her genetic heritage. What sorts of people in the father's genetic line? In my family of origin, everyone lies. They unite against the family member they have chosen as a focus for a kind of wide-ranging hatred they feel. They can be so clever about how they do it too, Billy. This paragraph has that "uniting to hate" feeling. Be wise, and be wary, Billy. As our Seeking Strength tells us, stay close to the site during this time. That's because, in my know everything this morning mindset, your daughter and her father have a different end game in mind. Where you anticipate healing, they anticipate uniting to destroy you. That is how things seem to work in my family of origin. You could have blown me over with a feather when I figured that one out. It was true, though. I feel that way about myself too, Billy. But what was doing me in was compassion. I just couldn't believe that it could possibly be what it looked like. I wondered what was the matter with me, what kind of person could think those kinds of thoughts about their own families. Now I am progressing toward better. It has been a very hard thing. But I am doing it Billy, so that means you can do it, too. Those same qualities that kept us all tied into them are the qualities ~ the refusing to see ourselves as victims, the bravery to never give up whatever the shame of the thing or the hurt of it, that compassionate nature that kept us believing in them no matter what ~ all those qualities are the strong, true things that will help us come through what is happening to us, now. For me, it is a true thing that these terrible things have always been happening. I never defined their actions in that way. I am still so surprised. No. You are being honest. That is a good beginning place for each of us who finds themselves in the situations we are in. Please post to us after the therapy session, Billy. You are no longer alone with all of it. Remember to maintain scrupulous anonymity. This is a public site. If your abusers learn you have found a safe place, a sanctuary place, they may stalk you, here. You merit sanctuary, and you need it, to heal. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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