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BDP daughter wants to her & I to go family therapy
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 659267" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Relationships based on fear and power aren't real relationships. There is no way a relationship like that can create anything good. </p><p></p><p>Step away. </p><p></p><p>Yes, you may pay a price with the grandchild, and that is something you are going to have to work on accepting.</p><p></p><p>As long as you are terrified of that possibility, and you can't sit and learn to live with the idea that this may happen, and while it would hurt terribly, you would survive it, she's "got you."</p><p></p><p>You can't function like that, in a relationship where there is a carrot dangling, as you so aptly put it, and she snatches away and gives at will. </p><p></p><p>That can't work on any level. </p><p></p><p>I believe we have to accept reality. This is work WE have to do. This has nothing to do with other people.</p><p></p><p>All around us, in every single aspect of our lives, we have things we don't like and that hurt us. We have to learn to do what we can...and then accept the outcome.</p><p></p><p>You have done what you can. It doesn't work. Now, your only recourse is to deal with the reality of the situation, with all sides of the pain of it all, and work to accept it.</p><p></p><p>This again takes WORK. It isn't something that will come to you in a flash...one day you feel full acceptance.</p><p></p><p>You will go back and forth, resisting, grieving, wishing, trying...but in the end, we can't change other people and what they do. We just can't. It doesn't matter anymore what is right. What should be. What we wish for. </p><p></p><p>What matters is...what is.</p><p></p><p>That is a truth I have learned and I will spend the rest of my life learning to live with it.</p><p></p><p>**My Difficult Child is with a girl that is very bad for him. Okay, that IS. I can't do a thing about that. I have to accept it. It will either change or it won't. It's his life.</p><p></p><p>**My brother is a dysfunctional person who is an alcoholic. He is 50 years old and lives with my parents. He has no friends and no life outside his full time job, spending time with my parents, and drinking. I used to worry and fret and wish I could "help him have a better life." It is what it is. He will change it himself or he won't. I can't do a thing about that. I have to accept it. It's his life.</p><p></p><p>**My older son is getting married. They have completely botched every aspect of the wedding planning and have hurt and alienated people in the process. They don't want my help. My job: to show up at the wedding with a smile and accept whatever it is. I have to accept it. It's their life. </p><p></p><p>**I have a client who is being very difficult all of a sudden. I can't change how they act. I can only decide what I will do. I'm giving our next project another chance. If it doesn't work, all of the talking from me in the world won't change a thing. It is what it is. It's not about me. I have to accept it, and my choice may be to walk away.</p><p></p><p>There are so many "wrong things" all around us. If only....but that's a Cinderella story and a pipe dream. </p><p></p><p>Yes, we should and can help to make things better in healthy ways when it is appropriate and right for us to have a role and get involved. </p><p></p><p>But most of the time, we can't fix, manage or control other people and what they say and do. In Al-Anon we say we are powerless over people, places and things. Think about it: That's EVERYTHING! </p><p></p><p>We only can control---and oftentimes even THAT is impossible---ourselves. </p><p></p><p>In many ways, it's a huge relief to finally understand what is our business and what is not our business. Our business is our lives. Other people's lives are their business.</p><p></p><p>I am writing all of this talking to myself as well as you. This bears repeating, I believe. I need to hear it and absorb it over and over. The more I do, the happier I am.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there. We are here for you. We have compassion and we understand how hard all of this is. The standard isn't perfection---it's progress.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 659267, member: 17542"] Relationships based on fear and power aren't real relationships. There is no way a relationship like that can create anything good. Step away. Yes, you may pay a price with the grandchild, and that is something you are going to have to work on accepting. As long as you are terrified of that possibility, and you can't sit and learn to live with the idea that this may happen, and while it would hurt terribly, you would survive it, she's "got you." You can't function like that, in a relationship where there is a carrot dangling, as you so aptly put it, and she snatches away and gives at will. That can't work on any level. I believe we have to accept reality. This is work WE have to do. This has nothing to do with other people. All around us, in every single aspect of our lives, we have things we don't like and that hurt us. We have to learn to do what we can...and then accept the outcome. You have done what you can. It doesn't work. Now, your only recourse is to deal with the reality of the situation, with all sides of the pain of it all, and work to accept it. This again takes WORK. It isn't something that will come to you in a flash...one day you feel full acceptance. You will go back and forth, resisting, grieving, wishing, trying...but in the end, we can't change other people and what they do. We just can't. It doesn't matter anymore what is right. What should be. What we wish for. What matters is...what is. That is a truth I have learned and I will spend the rest of my life learning to live with it. **My Difficult Child is with a girl that is very bad for him. Okay, that IS. I can't do a thing about that. I have to accept it. It will either change or it won't. It's his life. **My brother is a dysfunctional person who is an alcoholic. He is 50 years old and lives with my parents. He has no friends and no life outside his full time job, spending time with my parents, and drinking. I used to worry and fret and wish I could "help him have a better life." It is what it is. He will change it himself or he won't. I can't do a thing about that. I have to accept it. It's his life. **My older son is getting married. They have completely botched every aspect of the wedding planning and have hurt and alienated people in the process. They don't want my help. My job: to show up at the wedding with a smile and accept whatever it is. I have to accept it. It's their life. **I have a client who is being very difficult all of a sudden. I can't change how they act. I can only decide what I will do. I'm giving our next project another chance. If it doesn't work, all of the talking from me in the world won't change a thing. It is what it is. It's not about me. I have to accept it, and my choice may be to walk away. There are so many "wrong things" all around us. If only....but that's a Cinderella story and a pipe dream. Yes, we should and can help to make things better in healthy ways when it is appropriate and right for us to have a role and get involved. But most of the time, we can't fix, manage or control other people and what they say and do. In Al-Anon we say we are powerless over people, places and things. Think about it: That's EVERYTHING! We only can control---and oftentimes even THAT is impossible---ourselves. In many ways, it's a huge relief to finally understand what is our business and what is not our business. Our business is our lives. Other people's lives are their business. I am writing all of this talking to myself as well as you. This bears repeating, I believe. I need to hear it and absorb it over and over. The more I do, the happier I am. Hang in there. We are here for you. We have compassion and we understand how hard all of this is. The standard isn't perfection---it's progress. Warm hugs today. [/QUOTE]
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BDP daughter wants to her & I to go family therapy
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