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BDP daughter wants to her & I to go family therapy
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 659378" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>It helps me to see it this way: There is no shame. It is the situation that is bad. Not the kids, and not us. I feel so badly that these terrible things happened to all of us, but I am not ashamed of what happened to us, anymore. There is no perfect response that is going to make all this somehow okay. So, we can stop looking for that. We can stop beating ourselves up because our children are so troubled.</p><p></p><p>We can love them where they are and sometimes, that is all we can do.</p><p></p><p>Other parents are not dealing with the same kinds of afflictions in their children that we are. Their children moved easily along on their own paths at their own paces and, one way or another, took responsibility for their lives. Troubled kids see the paths they refused to take and blame us. They arrive at the destinations their paths were bound to take them and they blame us for that too. But here is the thing: We did everything it was in our power to do to get them to take a different path. We could not help them then and we cannot help them choose a different path, now.</p><p></p><p>Only they can do that.</p><p></p><p>Whether the child we love has an illness or an addiction or whether they hate us on general principles, we could never blame or punish ourselves enough to help either them or ourselves.</p><p></p><p>It is excruciating to love someone who seems determined to self-destruct. There are so many shades of pain in it. It seems like we have tried so many sure fire solutions that didn't work that we lose faith in ourselves. We feel we deserve to be hurt because we could not help them.</p><p></p><p>But that isn't true, Lioness.</p><p></p><p>We did help them. It just didn't work. </p><p></p><p>So, we have to take our best shot at figuring out how we want to do this and stand up. Your daughter doesn't have to love you. You are her mother. You do love her. She cannot change that about you. </p><p></p><p>She can punish you in any of a thousand ways, but she cannot make you stop loving her.</p><p></p><p>She cannot take that away from you.</p><p></p><p>And really, that is the only thing you can do. Love her. Love yourself too, Lioness. The places we find ourselves with these adult children we love so much are hard, ugly places. We must learn to be gentle with ourselves, for our failures. We must learn to cherish ourselves by intention, even so and no matter what.</p><p></p><p>You don't have to tell anyone about your child, or how it hurts you that she is so confused and so hateful. That is a private thing. There is no shame in it. You do love her. She is troubled.</p><p></p><p>It really is such a hard thing, loving our troubled kids the way that we do.</p><p></p><p>It's so hard that sometimes, we can't even cry about it.</p><p></p><p>We are like desperate shells of ourselves, and we wonder how that happened to us. For me, and for so many of us here on the site Lioness, we were able to make sense of it somehow, and to find our ways back to that rich center where we used to recognize ourselves and our lives, again. It is a long process, and it is so hard, sometimes. But I think you are beginning to come back too, here with us.</p><p></p><p>This is a good, kind place Lioness. I am glad you found us, glad you are here with us, now.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 659378, member: 17461"] It helps me to see it this way: There is no shame. It is the situation that is bad. Not the kids, and not us. I feel so badly that these terrible things happened to all of us, but I am not ashamed of what happened to us, anymore. There is no perfect response that is going to make all this somehow okay. So, we can stop looking for that. We can stop beating ourselves up because our children are so troubled. We can love them where they are and sometimes, that is all we can do. Other parents are not dealing with the same kinds of afflictions in their children that we are. Their children moved easily along on their own paths at their own paces and, one way or another, took responsibility for their lives. Troubled kids see the paths they refused to take and blame us. They arrive at the destinations their paths were bound to take them and they blame us for that too. But here is the thing: We did everything it was in our power to do to get them to take a different path. We could not help them then and we cannot help them choose a different path, now. Only they can do that. Whether the child we love has an illness or an addiction or whether they hate us on general principles, we could never blame or punish ourselves enough to help either them or ourselves. It is excruciating to love someone who seems determined to self-destruct. There are so many shades of pain in it. It seems like we have tried so many sure fire solutions that didn't work that we lose faith in ourselves. We feel we deserve to be hurt because we could not help them. But that isn't true, Lioness. We did help them. It just didn't work. So, we have to take our best shot at figuring out how we want to do this and stand up. Your daughter doesn't have to love you. You are her mother. You do love her. She cannot change that about you. She can punish you in any of a thousand ways, but she cannot make you stop loving her. She cannot take that away from you. And really, that is the only thing you can do. Love her. Love yourself too, Lioness. The places we find ourselves with these adult children we love so much are hard, ugly places. We must learn to be gentle with ourselves, for our failures. We must learn to cherish ourselves by intention, even so and no matter what. You don't have to tell anyone about your child, or how it hurts you that she is so confused and so hateful. That is a private thing. There is no shame in it. You do love her. She is troubled. It really is such a hard thing, loving our troubled kids the way that we do. It's so hard that sometimes, we can't even cry about it. We are like desperate shells of ourselves, and we wonder how that happened to us. For me, and for so many of us here on the site Lioness, we were able to make sense of it somehow, and to find our ways back to that rich center where we used to recognize ourselves and our lives, again. It is a long process, and it is so hard, sometimes. But I think you are beginning to come back too, here with us. This is a good, kind place Lioness. I am glad you found us, glad you are here with us, now. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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BDP daughter wants to her & I to go family therapy
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