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BDP daughter wants to her & I to go family therapy
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 660546" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Billy. You participate with your daughter in a volley of negativity in your head. I know because I do it myself, with my sister.</p><p></p><p>I know how it is to be deliberately hurt by somebody, to be excluded and then when you are invited in, to be deliberately played with, toyed with, singled out for abuse.</p><p></p><p>My sister is like this. No matter how far away from her I stayed in my life, she would try to lure me back. I would feel strong. And SWAT. She would zing me, by doing something extraordinarily hurtful. I used to think that she was like this to everybody, and minimize it because it was not personal to me.</p><p></p><p>I think otherwise now.</p><p></p><p>Yes she may do it to many others. But she deliberately does it worse to me. It is deliberate. It will never stop.</p><p></p><p>I have no contact with my sister. But sometimes, I cheat. I look at pictures of her house on the internet that I have never seen in a far away City where I have never been. She has a moderately important job so her pictures are on the internet, too. I cheat and I look. I miss her.</p><p></p><p>When I do that Billy, I am doing as you do now. I am renting space in my head to her. For her to hurt me.</p><p></p><p>I am using a number of Swotisms here and I must credit her: Don't cheat. Renting Space in my head. Thank you SWOT. You have helped to clarify so much.</p><p></p><p>When I do that, cheat, and let my sister into my head, feeling resentments towards her for the so many ways she has chosen to hurt me, I am selling myself out. Even though I have not seen her for 2 and a half years and may never see her again in my lifetime, I am allowing her to hurt me.</p><p></p><p>And you do this too, by sparring with your daughter in your head. You are renting space in your head for your daughter to abuse you.</p><p></p><p>My Mother was very close with my sister's twin daughters. From the time they were newborns she went to my sister's house everyday to help my sister clean, wash clothes and even cook. This was the most selfless act that I recall my mother ever doing in her life. It is painful to remember because my mother did not do such a thing for me, ever.</p><p></p><p>While my Mother helped my sister she was always abused, slighted and humiliated by her. My sister accepted her help but kicked her in the face. Sometimes the abuse was public.</p><p></p><p>My Mother was beautiful and elegant and poised and successful. Nobody made my mother a victim. But my sister did.</p><p></p><p>It is not your fault Billy. But stop renting space in your head to your cruel and sadistic daughter.</p><p></p><p>About 12 years before she died, my Mother had to face that my sister had control over the one thing that she wanted, really needed from my her. The twins.</p><p></p><p>This was a hard, hard time for my Mother.</p><p></p><p>My Mother was furious that my sister treated her as she did, but realized that she had to accept that she could and would be denied access to the girls if she took a firm stand.</p><p></p><p>My Mother did learn how to protect herself some, and I think she felt she had reached some sort of compromise. I do know that she seemed less angry, to have found acceptance if not peace about it.</p><p></p><p>My Mother worked very hard to have a relationship with her daughters as she got old. It was very important to her.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is, Billy, at the end of my Mother's life when she was vulnerable my sister did treacherous and hurtful things to her. Horrible things. I was able to protect my Mother from much of it but not all.'</p><p></p><p>And it turned out that she was betrayed as well by her beloved granddaughters.</p><p></p><p>I do not think she ever regretted her closeness to them. But they could not or would not take a position contrary to their Mother, even to send their dying Grandmother a card or to call her as she was dying. And they were adults by this time.</p><p></p><p>What I am trying to say here is this: Capitulating to cruelty never wins. You cannot win, even partially. Because your daughter plays by crooked rules. She does not play fair. You already know this.</p><p></p><p>Go to the party. Have fun at the party. Learn at the party.</p><p></p><p>At some point you may decide that playing your daughter's game will bring you nothing but heart ache. It is rigged.</p><p></p><p>Instead, you have the power to define your terms. Your conditions. Your rules. Where you have at least the possibility of remaining safe. If you do this you will provide your granddaughter a haven. Where she can be in a relationship that is loving, not based upon power and abuse. You can provide a model of a different way to be.</p><p></p><p>As long as you keep playing by your daughter's rules, your granddaughter will see your abuse at her mother's hands. It is entirely possible that she will learn the rules of the game, and repeat it herself as did my nieces, with my Mother. It is entirely possibility my nieces will betray and hurt their own Mother. After all, at some point my sister will lose her power over them. Power like beauty is fleeting. Love endures.</p><p></p><p>So what I am trying to say by this story is this: By choosing to protect yourself, you are also choosing for your granddaughter. You teach her by example, by your deeds. What it is to be loving.</p><p></p><p>There are so many of us that maintained our humanity as children, because we had loving Grandmothers that stood apart from the craziness of our mothers.</p><p></p><p>There is no wrong thing to do here in the short-run, because you gain either way. Going to the party, you learn. Staying away, you get strong.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 660546, member: 18958"] Hi Billy. You participate with your daughter in a volley of negativity in your head. I know because I do it myself, with my sister. I know how it is to be deliberately hurt by somebody, to be excluded and then when you are invited in, to be deliberately played with, toyed with, singled out for abuse. My sister is like this. No matter how far away from her I stayed in my life, she would try to lure me back. I would feel strong. And SWAT. She would zing me, by doing something extraordinarily hurtful. I used to think that she was like this to everybody, and minimize it because it was not personal to me. I think otherwise now. Yes she may do it to many others. But she deliberately does it worse to me. It is deliberate. It will never stop. I have no contact with my sister. But sometimes, I cheat. I look at pictures of her house on the internet that I have never seen in a far away City where I have never been. She has a moderately important job so her pictures are on the internet, too. I cheat and I look. I miss her. When I do that Billy, I am doing as you do now. I am renting space in my head to her. For her to hurt me. I am using a number of Swotisms here and I must credit her: Don't cheat. Renting Space in my head. Thank you SWOT. You have helped to clarify so much. When I do that, cheat, and let my sister into my head, feeling resentments towards her for the so many ways she has chosen to hurt me, I am selling myself out. Even though I have not seen her for 2 and a half years and may never see her again in my lifetime, I am allowing her to hurt me. And you do this too, by sparring with your daughter in your head. You are renting space in your head for your daughter to abuse you. My Mother was very close with my sister's twin daughters. From the time they were newborns she went to my sister's house everyday to help my sister clean, wash clothes and even cook. This was the most selfless act that I recall my mother ever doing in her life. It is painful to remember because my mother did not do such a thing for me, ever. While my Mother helped my sister she was always abused, slighted and humiliated by her. My sister accepted her help but kicked her in the face. Sometimes the abuse was public. My Mother was beautiful and elegant and poised and successful. Nobody made my mother a victim. But my sister did. It is not your fault Billy. But stop renting space in your head to your cruel and sadistic daughter. About 12 years before she died, my Mother had to face that my sister had control over the one thing that she wanted, really needed from my her. The twins. This was a hard, hard time for my Mother. My Mother was furious that my sister treated her as she did, but realized that she had to accept that she could and would be denied access to the girls if she took a firm stand. My Mother did learn how to protect herself some, and I think she felt she had reached some sort of compromise. I do know that she seemed less angry, to have found acceptance if not peace about it. My Mother worked very hard to have a relationship with her daughters as she got old. It was very important to her. But the thing is, Billy, at the end of my Mother's life when she was vulnerable my sister did treacherous and hurtful things to her. Horrible things. I was able to protect my Mother from much of it but not all.' And it turned out that she was betrayed as well by her beloved granddaughters. I do not think she ever regretted her closeness to them. But they could not or would not take a position contrary to their Mother, even to send their dying Grandmother a card or to call her as she was dying. And they were adults by this time. What I am trying to say here is this: Capitulating to cruelty never wins. You cannot win, even partially. Because your daughter plays by crooked rules. She does not play fair. You already know this. Go to the party. Have fun at the party. Learn at the party. At some point you may decide that playing your daughter's game will bring you nothing but heart ache. It is rigged. Instead, you have the power to define your terms. Your conditions. Your rules. Where you have at least the possibility of remaining safe. If you do this you will provide your granddaughter a haven. Where she can be in a relationship that is loving, not based upon power and abuse. You can provide a model of a different way to be. As long as you keep playing by your daughter's rules, your granddaughter will see your abuse at her mother's hands. It is entirely possible that she will learn the rules of the game, and repeat it herself as did my nieces, with my Mother. It is entirely possibility my nieces will betray and hurt their own Mother. After all, at some point my sister will lose her power over them. Power like beauty is fleeting. Love endures. So what I am trying to say by this story is this: By choosing to protect yourself, you are also choosing for your granddaughter. You teach her by example, by your deeds. What it is to be loving. There are so many of us that maintained our humanity as children, because we had loving Grandmothers that stood apart from the craziness of our mothers. There is no wrong thing to do here in the short-run, because you gain either way. Going to the party, you learn. Staying away, you get strong. [/QUOTE]
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