Be on Stressed OUT

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by looneytoonmom, Jan 24, 2015.

  1. looneytoonmom

    looneytoonmom New Member

    Husband took rest of the week off. Was suppose to deal with son,about finding a job. Took him a couple places supposedly. All our son has wanted to do is argue. Sleep on the couch. I tried to just not say anything. All it did was make me more upset and evem more stressed. I've been sick all week,so that hasn't helped. Its like a war zone around here. I got out todau and went to a group Ive wanted to go to for quite awhile. I crochet,sometimes that helps me to escape what's going on. I hadnt even bern there 10 minutes and my text was going off. Daughter said that my son was argueing with his uncle and he needed to get back to the house. Every time O tryand do something by myself or for me my phone starts blowing up.
    Well after I got home later,I found out what was going on. Our son has a Real Baf Habit of LYING!!! He told our neighbor across the street,that our daughter was in jail and we didnt have the money to get her out. So this neighbor supposedly gave him some money,he says one amount and she says another amount. This has been going on since last summer. Well today her husband confronted our son again about the money. Then the wife came out screaming in the middle of the road that she was going to take him to small claims court. As it is none of our neighbors will even talk to us at all because of all the crap he has caused around here. She was screaming at him saying that he had been telling everyone that him and his uncle had taken her for money. His uncle had nothing to do with it. She's run her mouth and we have some busybodies on our street. All I could do was shake my head. And of course his father csme home to rescue him. I lost it with my husband and told him that he just is enabling him. He's 26 yrs old. Hes not a baby. Im the stinking mediator and still No one listens. Husband thinks if he does more things for me ,then I'll jusy shut up and let it go.Doesn't Work thay way
    He does thr same with my daughter. I hate the weekends. My kids are adults,I dont think I should have to deal with all of this Crap now. It was like this when they were little,it didn't matter who took care of them,which wasn't often.because I knew when I got back all I would hear is this is what your son did!!##!!.
    I dont know what it is like to go and do something without coming home or getting a call thay the kids have dine something or now its my daughter or son are arguing with one another or their father. There father is just as bad. I could be in Buffalo new york and they'll call and expect me to handle the issue.
    I was made to grow up fast.By 9 I was cooking,doing dishes, to take care of my infant brother and 4 yr old brother.
    Tonight I just feel like Im ready to jump out of my skin. Just to much going on. If I keep going I'll be typing forever. Saying a Prayer for All of the Parents out there Struggling with all of this Mess!:rain-very:
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If it's at all possible for you to get yourself to a therapist, I would strongly suggest you do so. You may also want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here.

    Your husband and your kids are used to a certain way of being where they can manipulate you and get what they want. You are in a play where everyone knows their roles, it's a script you all have been reading for a long time. It is unlikely that your kids will change since they are the ones benefiting from this and it is also unlikely that your husband will change because he sounds like an enabler. Which leaves you. You are the one suffering and you are the one who is sick of the script, so unfortunately, YOU will have to be the one who has to change.

    A therapist, or counselor or somebody you choose who can be a guide, will help you negotiate your way through this. The first thing that usually has to happen is you have to provide strict, impenetrable boundaries. Without boundaries, everyone is running amok. I would be jumping out of my skin too if I were you, you are living in chaos.

    You are being held hostage by your kids and your husband's unwillingness to change this negative behavior which you are called in to run interference for. Turn off your phone. Stop responding. Stop running home to fix it. That may not sound like a good idea but as long as you continue doing it, you will be continually called in to do it. Whatever you allow becomes your experience. That is why most of us need professional help to get out from under. You're in an unhealthy, dysfunctional family dynamic which you have all practiced for a very long time. It is going to take one of you to step out and change your response. That is likely going to be you. If you want this to stop, it sounds as if you are going to be the one to stop it.

    Its a process, it's going to take time and a commitment from you to make the necessary changes. It isn't easy which is why I always recommend therapy. Changing our usual responses takes courage, commitment and time. But it can be done, most of us here are in various stages of these very same changes I am suggesting to you.

    Keep posting it helps. Get yourself some support. Read books like Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. Be kind to yourself and begin to take the focus off of your kids and begin putting it on YOU. Welcome. I'm glad you're here with us.
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