mog,
Well - how about a slightly different outcome of a similar situation?
Dude was and probably still could be one of the worst kids to ever be a part of this board family. My only saving grace is that he has not been involved in drugs or alcohol abuse. But where one abuse lacks the others certainly made up for it. Belive me.
At 16 life here at our home was so horrible and his behavior was so out of control with running away, defiant behaviors, destruction of property, theft, etc...that he was hauled into jail. He was brought up on felony charges, conspiracy charges -too many counts to list. He tried to commit suicide and from there was taken to jail. He spent three months and 4 days there. While in jail - he tried to commit suicide again. When he went to court he was given probation, huge fines and a warning. He was sent home. Not our choice. Fifteen minutes after he got home the fun began. The attitude the nastiness, the I will not do this, that, the language, the stereo, thumping, bumping...I got called at work. It was h.e.c.k. on earth - in () much time he had proved he hated us. Then he told us, then he called his caseworker and said "get me the H out of here." Nice. I was hospitalized for a stroke over his arrest - and this is how he treats us after we go every Wed. night to visitation taking him money for candy, soda and stamps for letters? Bull.
So we called the caseworker too and said - Get him out of here TOMORROW or we're putting him out. It took 2 weeks, and in that time I thought I would never make it. I had holes put in my wall, I cried, our family screamed and yelled all the time. He wouldn't listen, never helped with one single thing, ate us out of house and home and went RIGHT back to the same neighborhood the judge told him to stay away from. Two weeks later he threw his clothes in a trash bag, walked out of the house, never looked at me or his Dad and got into the state car and said "See ya" real smart like, slammed the door and once in the car said "I'm so F'ing glad to be the F out of there you don't even know - DRIVE."
He went to stay in a group home that was horrid. It was 130 miles from us in the mountains and while there he wasn't fed, they let him get hit by a car twice, his things were stolen, he had no supervision, he didn't get to go to school, the closest town was almost 20 miles, and there was no job, no money for him, and no way to go anywhere or do anything. All what we were told he would have? A lie. They basically gave him a mattress to sleep and a roof with 8 other boys and water - not even plumbing or clean clothes. He was accused of getting into trouble there and got arrested again. The charges would later be dropped, and we did go and get him, but Thanksgiving, Christmas, and all the other holidays - even his birthday were spent - there....alone...with no gifts...nothing. When he could get a call out on a holiday (phone was locked up) I would remind him this is what he wanted - FREEDOM. Enjoy it. Then I would hang up and bawl. That's the part of being a Mom that stinks - when you teach them that you are detaching it hurts you more, but teaches them a lesson for life.
We did get him out of jail on the bogus charges, and had the group home shut down. It was full of cockroaches and the owner was later found to be smoking crack. Not typical of group homes I assure you. They even abused their animals. Although two weeks later the home with a fresh coat of paint and bug spray, a few cheap mattresses and a dumpster full of junk reopened under a friends name. Nice - way to go S.C.
From there - the state placed him into Therapeutic Foster Care or TFC here in South Carolina. I will always set MY standards high because that's just me. Nothing will ever be done the way I would do it or to my liking. I don't see eye to eye with the way the foster family does things nor do I agree with their lifestyle or family ethics. However - Dude is fairly close to our home -12 miles. He's been there almost 2 years. He has had opportunities to move and is now 19, but chooses not to for his own reasons - going back to school, being close to home, not knowing if a new TFC would be worse and the foster agencies lack of want to put a "white" kid with a "black" foster neighborhood. (their words not mine).
While it's not perfect and like I said not my ideals for Dude he's close enough to home to be close and far enough away for me to have been able to continue therapy the first year he was there, and take him with us...and for him to be independent to a point and me not be in his business 24/7. It's like detachment with crutches for him. For the last 6 months he's (for the 1st time in his life) come to terms with the facts that he has NO education, that he needs a job, that he's no longer a child, has made some friends, found a church, wants to go to college, understands that stealing is not a way of life, getting in trouble with the law takes all your money for probation and fines and you have to work like a dog to make money and then it's no fun to give it all to the state because you worked really hard for all that money and then you have none left - dang, and that your parents really aren't dummies after all. Really? Wow.
I've gotten more I love you's in the last 6 months than i have in the last six years. No joke. I've also had more hope - then less hope then more hope - so I know the roller coaster ride isn't over - but I feel or at least have stopped holding my breath for loop de loops. I see bits of maturity and I'm not afraid to tell people.
Don't get me wrong - the boy is still who he is. He gets moody, sullen, can be a down right jerk. But at least I see moments of clarity with him and I think some of the counseling from years gone by has paid off. I never thought I'd tell anyone that. I also thought I would never tell anyone that TFC was a good thing either - but at some point you have to ask yourself - would he be better off in jail or foster care? And I'm not telling you either that he hasn't been arrested since he's been in foster care...because like I said he is who he is - and he was a BIG DUMMY - but..
I'm hoping for your son that TFC gets him a foster family that doesn't just warehouse him for the money - AND the other thing is - we are the exception to the rule - because - we DO visit the foster family. So you CAN do that too. There is no rule that says you can't go there eventually to pick him up - or visit. Not for at least a month - but eventually.
Hope something in this note gives you hope - because I was where you were with the crying and the pj's and the burning heart, and tight throat, feeling like a failure - and honey - you can feel and cry all that now - and it's natural to feel like that...get it out. Cry it out....go kick a tree....throw a pillow - scream into it if you need to. Then tell yourself it's going to be what it will be regardless of whether you cry, smile, laugh, rise above it, mope, be angry or get past it. I figured - heck I may as well make the most of it and be the best I can be for the people around me that DO want my time and attention and when my son decides to join the family again? I'll be ahead of the game...and hopefully he won't have EMO-Mom.
It's gonna be okay Mom. Have your cry and then get down to business being the best PERSON you can be for those around you and yourself.
Your son has made his decisions - now let him live with those choices and figure out things on his own for a change. You'll be amazed what he can do without your help. He is after all - your kid. He's no dummy.
Hugs Star
He keeps saying he doesn't want to be here and he does not understand what he has really asked for. Becareful what you ask for you just might get it!!!!!!
