Been a long time...difficult child still breaks my heart

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TessFromWA, May 23, 2014.

  1. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    It's been a long time since I've posted.

    difficult child is still mentally ill...I still am trying to deal with the heartbreak, the betrayal (she was undoubtedly the one behind my home being entered and all of my gold/diamond jewelry and my husband's camera being stolen), still dealing with the anger....and yes, I still look at her facebook (through a friend's account) on occasion....less often as I learn to detach more every day.

    She's a gangster wanna be...and posts things that I have to wonder...was she switched at birth? How did this creature come from MY loins?

    She posted this:

    "Talk about growin up :censored2:ed up, I grew up with a mentally ill mother, so it's no wonder that I'm slightly askew.
    Her fanatical religious views had me sittin in pews 8 days a week, and because of that me and God didn't speak for a while.
    Now I crack a smile when asked my religious preference, I utter a Tech N9ne reference replyin, I'm a KLUSTERFUK.
    I mixed up all the stuff religion that had to o...ffer, boiled it in my cauldron till the bullshit burned off it.

    All that was left was love, I can't say I always rise above the trivial :censored2: in my life cause I don't .. Sometimes my ego won't allow me to walk away, if you know what I'm sayin.

    I've done a lot of drugs, :censored2:, I've done a lot of thugs, but in the end .. As long as I'm aligned with love, I KNOW I'm livin righteous. All that was left was love, I can't say I always rise above the trivial :censored2: in my life cause I don't .. Sometimes my ego won't allow me to walk away, if you know what I'm sayin. I've done a lot of drugs, :censored2:, I've done a lot of thugs, but in the end .. As long as I'm aligned with love, I KNOW I'm livin righteous. — [​IMG]feeling steady."​

    Then a day later she posted that she missed her Auntie Val sooooooo much. Val is my sister who would kick difficult child's ass into next month if she were still here. She died in Oct 2012. And I miss her so much. She helped me put my daughter's actions and idiocy in to perspective.

    Anyway, the crap difficult child posted are actually lyrics from some stupid rap song. Which my daughter-in-law suggested...saying "She just honestly doesn't write that coherently...it's gotta be song lyrics."

    Will it ever stop hurting? Will I ever not feel this anger and betrayal?

    That ungrateful, lying, thieving, delusional little creature has brought me nothing but heartbreak since she was born. And that's the truth.
     
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes it will stop Tess. And the anger and betrayal will subside as well. I've found as many others here, that we have to work at it, we have to commit to our own well being and happiness, we have to get the support we require, put the focus on ourselves, do kind and loving things for ourselves and make our needs and wants our priority.

    For myself, I needed therapy. I also found a support group facilitated by a therapist where I met other parents dealing with troubled adult kids. I attended CoDa meetings, read a lot of books, continued with my acupuncture appointments which helped to relieve a lot of stress, cleaned up my diet even more, made sure I was exercising regularly, wrote on this board often.......in other words I developed a strong system of support for myself. COM calls them tools. Tools to heal, to grow, to forgive or at least to let go of my own angers and resentments. It took time. But it was worth it.

    There are many, many losses involved in this journey we find ourselves on. There is a lot of grief, a lot of anger, a lot of disappointment and a lot of guilt. One by one we tackle these emotions and let them go. I usually recommend finding someone to help you traverse this landscape, it is very difficult alone.

    You've made some real important strides to detach. Now it sounds as if the next step is to let go of all of the left over feelings. And, I realize that is likely a lot. But we do it one step at a time.

    Two years ago I never would have imagined I could be as free of my daughter's drama as I presently am, but I am. I wanted to find peace of mind. I wanted to not allow her actions and choices to impact my life. I've managed to find my way through that. It was not easy or quick. But I held on, got a lot of help and took very, very good care of myself.

    Some books you may want to read are, Codependent no more by Melodie Beatty and Living in Uncertainty by Pema Chodron, or anything by Pema Chodron. They've been helpful for many of us.

    I'm sorry your heart is hurting Tess. This is a hard, hard road we're on. There is SO MUCH LETTING GO involved. We are not taught how to let go, we have to learn how to do it. Be very kind to yourself Tess, kinder then you've ever ever been to yourself........it will make it all much easier if you can do that first.

    Seek out help. Have you tried contacting NAMI? The National Alliance on Mental Illness? They have chapters everywhere and they have excellent courses for parents. You will learn a lot there and get support too.

    There is also Families Anonymous.

    Put yourself in very supportive environments so you can heal from this. This takes an enormous toll on us parents and sometimes we aren't even aware of how big a toll it really is. You will need to fill yourself back up. You will need to nourish yourself.

    Stay the course. Keep posting it helps a lot. We're here if you need us.

    Sending you big hugs Tess, hang in there.
     
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  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Ah, this is so true. We are taught by nature, culture and custom---what a good person is, what a good mommy is---to attach. To help. To nurture. To support. To connect. We are taught this is what love is. And we grasp it all instinctively.

    And for most people for most of the time, this is true and this is the best part of life, the real meaning of life---love. I still believe that today---there is no greater purpose in life.

    As mothers, we are especially good at it. We take care of our children from the day they are born. Every breath they take is dependent on us. And they are supposed to launch and fly and go to college and do better than we have done and come back for visits and phone calls and bring us joy and grandchildren and sit around the table at Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

    That is what we all thought would happen. Until it didn't. And then they were and are adults. People told us they were late to mature and we needed to be patient and they would eventually grow up, until the years kept going by and we kept on doing what we did all their lives, and nothing changed. In fact, things got worse because addiction is a progressive disease. It doesn't even stay at the same level of horror it is at today. It WILL and DOES continue to get worse and worse without arrest until the person finally dies of it. It is a fatal disease without treatment.

    All of the things we hoped for started turning to dust. And I believe we basically have two paths, two choices. We can continue being their mommies until we are spent, depleted and without any resources ourselves. They will take it all from us. Two people will go down, not just one. And we will have handed them the gun that hurries this disease to its final, fatal conclusion.

    Or we can learn a new way. It has to be for us, not for them. Because even though we walk this new path, they may continue walking their old path. This new path will take work and faith and commitment and patience and strength and time. We will take two steps forward and one step back. I have cycled through the stages of grief so many times I can't even count them.

    As my son has gone down and down and down and things have happened that I could never have imagined, things that I've never even read about in books or newspapers or magazines, things I was never ever prepared for. I have had to adjust and my naive eyes have been opened wide.

    I have chosen the new path. Today, I finally care as much about myself as I do my son. That was not the case until more recently, within the past year. I still, no matter what, put him in front of me until about a year ago. I have been working my program of recovery seriously for about three years. So until about a year ago, I was going through the motions because I still believed he is more important than I am. I still backslid a lot. I was anxious and upset and consumed with him. He was still more important than I was. His wants, his needs always came first, no matter how outrageous they were. I kept thinking, this time, this time. This is the corner he has to turn. Then he will do what he is supposed to do. Then things will be okay.

    I could not see reality. I could not see that truly, I had been dancing the same dance with him since he was 13. The stakes were much lower back then, as he did not break the law (and get caught) until he was 21. But the patterns were set way back then and who even knows what he was doing, flying under the radar, from junior high on.

    He is a master manipulator and a consummate liar. He is a victim. Everybody has it out for him. Even the teachers in junior high had it out for him. When he does something wrong, it is never his fault. He is always innocent. He is a user. He is a taker. He is a drug addict, with everything---the habits, the faulty thinking and the behavior---that comes with being a drug addict.

    I think my son has a lot of anxiety and depression. I don't know if it is related to his addiction or if it came before his addiction. I don't know and nobody will know unless and until he stops using. Then he can be evaluated for other mental illnesses.

    I believe that this path gives me the only chance I have. I also believe this path gives my son a chance, but it is up to him to take it. I love him very much and my constant prayer is that he chooses recovery.
     
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  4. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    this is true. This is a thing to remember. It will get worse and worse, and you can drown along with it...or you can move aside, after all has been tried, and use that energy to be whole again, to start to contribute to the world and your other loved ones as you would want.

    I am very very sorry you are going through this.

    The facebook posts are just dumb, and not particularly aimed at you (us). Try not to go there, or to read too much into them. As Child said on a different thread, sometimes I just check facebook to be sure he is alive..yup, alive, yup, still the same, no point in engaging therefore...on we go.

    Echo
     
  5. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    Thank you so much, Recovering, COM and Echo. Your words help more than I could ever say. Thank you for sharing and for offering me empathy and compassion.

    Recovering, you said: "For myself, I needed therapy. I also found a support group facilitated by a therapist where I met other parents dealing with troubled adult kids. I attended CoDa meetings, read a lot of books, continued with my acupuncture appointments which helped to relieve a lot of stress, cleaned up my diet even more, made sure I was exercising regularly, wrote on this board often...."

    Over the last two years, since my sister got so sick and then died, as well as my daughter with her antics, I have completely gotten out of hand with my self-care. I am an emotional eater and I soothe myself with food. I'm 40 lbs heavier than I was two years ago, but I'm now trying to get that back under control. I will call my therapist and make an appointment with her...I've got so much work to do. I stay busy with volunteering and with my career, and I have pretty much been ignoring the work I need to do on myself. Maybe on purpose. Maybe hoping that my time here on earth will end (hopefully quickly with me never knowing what hit me - HA) and I won't have to deal with all of my own issues. I've been reading "When Parents Hurt"...there are some good things in there I can take away. But you should see all all the books I bought when my daughter first started getting awful, when was hoping and praying it was just a typical teenage girl phase, but now I believe that was when her Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) really kicked into gear (and probably when she started using too). Now they just gather dust. Maybe I'll get them all together and give them to my counselor, maybe she has clients who are dealing with the typical teenager and who can glean good stuff from them.

    COM, you said: "He is a master manipulator and a consummate liar. He is a victim. Everybody has it out for him. Even the teachers in junior high had it out for him. When he does something wrong, it is never his fault. He is always innocent. He is a user. He is a taker. He is a drug addict, with everything---the habits, the faulty thinking and the behavior---that comes with being a drug addict."

    This has been my daughter since birth. She was born with a severe bilateral cleft lip and palate, so she got lots of extra attention, and was given much more leeway as she was growing up than she should have gotten. I was so afraid that she would grow up being bullied and have horrible self esteem because of her scar (which you wouldn't even know today if you saw her...I made sure she got the absolute best care available to us and her plastic surgeon is a master). I wanted her to have all the things I didn't have as a child. I wanted to be a good mom, the kind of mom that I wish I would have had. I wanted her to be my beautiful princess child. But she has been a liar and manipulator and thief since her earliest days. She was born that way. Her father (my ex husband) is that way. Bad seed.

    Echo, you said: It will get worse and worse, and you can drown along with it...or you can move aside, after all has been tried, and use that energy to be whole again, to start to contribute to the world and your other loved ones as you would want."

    I'm tired of drowning. I'm tired of the grief, the betrayal, the pain, the self-blaming and the guilt, I'm tired of the ANGER that I feel for her. I wish she would just move away, to a different town.

    We never should have let her come back to our town after I sent her an hour and a half away to live with her dad - to get her away from the druggies she had become "family" with. The boy she was "in loooove" with then is now dead...meth-induced car accident. Her dad didn't make her continue her mental health treatment (though she had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), possibly Bipolar), he let her move in with some trash she met up there, then when she called me all hysterical because the trash had kicked her out, calling her a liar and thief, we went running to her rescue. Dumbest thing we've ever done was bring her back here. I told her she was welcome to stay here, but she had to go back to school, and be home by 10 pm on my work nights (so I wouldn't lay awake all night worrying about her). That was too much...she couch-surfed with friends for a couple months until she found and moved in with the tool who she is now married to.

    Anyway, it does help to write it out...to process...though I've deleted a lot more than I'm actually posting. My fingers can't keep up with everything that's flying around in my head. Guilt - Shame - Blame - Anger - Grief - Regret - Loathing - Love It's all just so much to feel all at the same time.
     
  6. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hey Tess,

    I am sorry this is happening. I agree with Echo that the FB post is dumb and probably has nothing to do with you. If it does, it may be what somebody on this forum said to me once, that my difficult child was just trying to engage me at any level....after he sent some off-the-wall email, most likely.

    I agree with RE that you have done a lot of detaching and now it is time to let go of everything still hurting you. It will hurt less as you give more attention to you. My difficult child is 33 so his dad and I probably moved on more quickly after the decision to detach was made - because it took us so darn long to make that decision! So, our "advantage" came with a price for difficult child and his dad and myself.

    What are you doing special for you today?

    Hugs,
    SS
     
  7. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Tess,

    the rules you put in place for your daughter to live with you are exactly the ones I put in place for my son to live with me when he got out of his first, short stint in jail. 10 pm on work nights (school nights for his brothers) so we could continue to sleep and be healthy and productive in our lives. WAYYYY to onerous for him.--he split after about 3 weeks. IN fact I had a surreal conversation with the woman he then hooked up with (27 year old homeless woman) who tried to explain to me that at his age (20) he shouldn't have a curfew. She said she had moved out of her grandparents house because they couldn't see eye to eye on rules. That just...made me laugh.

    If you look through my posts all winter long (not that I am recommending that) my theme was anger anger anger being devoured by my anger, with occasional spurts of guilt regret and fear but mostly anger.

    We all feel where you are.

    Your ex didn't make her do those things because..ta da!! we cannot make them (or anyone else) do anything. He may have just recognized that before you did.

    We can't make anyone else do anything. The only thing we can do is manage our own reactions, our own life. YOu are starting to do that. I promise you you will feel better. Not every day, and not all the time...but overall, so much better.

    Hugs and much support to you.

    Echo
     
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  8. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Hi Tess and I felt myself hurt as I read your post. difficult children know how to inflict pain like no other. It's like they stick a knife in your heart and twist it.

    I am so sorry you're going through this and I wish I could say something to take away your pain. But you have been given some great advice by the veteran posters above. I really cannot add to anything they said except I am thinking of you today and praying things will get better for you...that peace will make its way to you.

    Stay strong- you are not alone.
     
  9. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    COM, your son sounds just like mine. This has been going on since he was 14 and he is almost 33. I have tried to find NAMI groups here and there are none. Have tried therapists and all they tell me is it sounds like I have on my plate. Four years ago my husband suffered a traumatic brain injury. Was the same thing, could find no support for families of brain injury survivors.


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  10. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    And Annie, my son sounds like yours....started about 14; he recently turned 33.


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  11. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    And how is your son now?


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  12. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Annie,

    My difficult child is basically the same as ever, only more manipulative. We have had no contact since Jan. husband and I held in there way too long, hoping we could change things...that difficult child wanted a relationship...lots of hurt...

    Much wisdom from this board on detachment. Of course, we will always hope difficult child will change...but, in the meantime, we are moving on.

    We love him very much but all our efforts failed to cause any change.

    Hugs,
    SS


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  13. Tess, I am sorry you are experiencing this. i used to read my difficult child's postings on twitter and it would bring me so much grief so i can somehow empathize with what you feel when you see these hurtful postings. But i later realized that like Echo has stated above, it had nothing to do with me because most of the postings by difficult children are random i think and the majority comes from lyrics or stupid thoughts. However, the only way to guard you heart from this kind of pain caused by reading the nonsense posted by our sons and daughters is to refrain from accessing their social media accounts. It is a hard thing to do but as you continue to work on yourself, over time it will seem meaningless because then you will know that whether you know what she is up to or not there is nothing you or i or any one of us can do to stop our children from doing or writing what they want.
     
  14. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    I am praying for you and your family. My son obviously only wants a one way relationship with me. I was thinking last night trying to remember the last time I saw him. I don't remember. Memorial Day is supposed to be a day when family gets together and barbecues, etc. Not happening here. Actually can't wait to go back to work tomorrow!


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  15. Stress Bunny

    Stress Bunny Active Member

    Tess,
    Sorry to hear you are going through this. It sounds like you are weary and worn out with it. I can't say that it ever stops hurting. I too wonder the same thing.

    What has helped me so far is detaching as much as possible from the drama. Realizing you cannot change your difficult child's behavior and situation is both deflating and freeing at the same time. You cannot change her, but you can change yourself and your reactions to it. For me, this has involved letting go and grieving as well. BUT . . . I do feel better on a daily basis, save for the periodic waves of grief. I am working on taking care of myself, my husband, and our other son.

    As I mentioned, I don't know if it ever stops hurting completely, but I believe it will lessen over time and with proper boundaries and self care on our part. Bless you, and I hope you find peace and joy in some way going forward.

    I suggest reading about setting boundaries with adult children, joining a group, i.e. NAMI parent support group or Al-Anon, etc., and seeking therapy for yourself. Plus, you can post on this wonderful forum where you will find yourself lifted up when you feel like falling down. (hugs)
     
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