Been a rough few days.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tanya M, Aug 13, 2016.

  1. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    My nephew was murdered earlier this week.

    My heart is just breaking.

    I sent my son a private message to let him know about his cousin. My son has posted some things on FB about this that I don't like but he's free to post them. The person who killed my nephew has yet to be arraigned as he is on suicide watch. What my son posted was in regard to this person to stop being a coward and to face the music. I did not respond to it. Again, he can post what he chooses.

    By my informing him about this it has opened up some dialog. He told me he wants to change his life and wants my help, not monetary just advice. We have been conversing a little bit via private message on FB. I'm glad that we are communicating but I go into it with my eyes wide open and am very guarded.

    While talking to my other sister about my plans to fly out to attend the funeral she inquired about my son and wanted to know if I thought he would want to be there also. It was one of those deer in the headlights moments for me. She said she has seen some of his posts on FB and can tell he's hurting. I told her that I too have seen some of his posts and can tell he still has some anger issues. She backed off as she knows how difficult it has been for me with my son.

    If my son wants to be there then he needs to figure out a way to get there. I want to be there to support my sister and really do not need the distraction of my son being there.

    My emotions are all over the place. I'm glad to be chatting with my son but I'm just not ready to see him or interact with him in a family setting, especially at such a difficult time.

    It's times like this that I get those feeling of being a terrible mother. I know they are not warranted but they are there all the same.
  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Oh Tanya I am so sorry for the loss of your nephew. I cannot imagine the pain you are in.

    And to have to wrestle with your son and what might be next for him right now has to be too much.

    I am very glad for your interaction with him and what he is saying. If it is to be, it can wait a few will still be there.

    If he is to come to the funeral, I agree, he can figure it out and if he does come, I hope there is no drama or big decision making right then but it can be postponed for a few days.

    I'm just so sorry for this news Tanya. I am praying for you all and hoping there is a way forward through this for you all.
  3. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hi Tanya,

    I am very sorry to hear about your nephew and know your heart is breaking. This may be about as tough as life can get.

    Your thoughts on the funeral and what you will do make sense to me.

    Your son is grieving, and you are there for him. Please stay with us during these tough, sad days.

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  4. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly Active Member

    Tanya- I am so sorry for the loss of your nephew. Prayers for you and your family. I am glad some dialogue has opened up with you and your son- maybe this will make him really think about his life.
  5. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Prayers and comforting thoughts during your grief.

    I agree...whatever intentions your son has, will still be there. Do what you need to do.

    Your not alone...comfort to you.
  6. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    Tanya -
    I think your feelings of trepidation with your son being around in this difficult time are valid emotions of knowing the past with him - it is in no way indicative of your worth as a mother. It has been my observation in my own family and with many families in distress in the hospital that people with problems tend to escalate during these times, not somehow miraculously pull it together and be a positive influence. They typically have to make some drama about themselves. I say this with much regret of what happened at my brother in law's funeral with my then bipolar, narcisstic husband. ugh Maybe this will be a catalyst for your son to look at his own life and choices. I'm so sorry for the loss of your nephew and for your sister's family. I also know that in times of grief my boundaries get much weaker, not stronger. Blessings to you all.
  7. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Tanya, I just want to add my prayers and support along with the others during this difficult time for you and your family. You are such a pillar of strength here on the forum. You are right to be guarded, to protect yourself. I think your son is not the primary focus at this time. If he wants to be there or come around later, he will make the moves. This is a time for patience and slowing down, to be there for the others grieving in your family and them for you. Your son will see that. I will follow along and hold you folks in heartfelt thoughts.
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Such a tragic loss...prayers for your family as you grieve. I believe you are handling your son's attendance at the funeral appropriately.
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  9. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Sending along my prayers and thoughts, Tanya. I am so sorry for your loss. As SS said, this is about as tough as it gets. Your feelings are completely reasonable and understandable.
  10. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Prayers for you Tanya, and for your family. How awful for you to lose your nephew in this way.

    Travel safely.

  11. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Thank you all so much for your feedback and support. You all are so wonderfully awesome!
  12. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for this senseless, profound loss, Tanya. Prayers going up for you and your family.
  13. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Tanya, I am so very sorry for the terrible loss of your nephew, I can't imagine how devastated you and your family are.

    As others have said, I think you handled all of it very well, you're a true warrior parent........your responses are honest and appropriate.

    Sending my prayers and warm wishes. Prayers for your sister and her family too.

    If your son is indeed wanting to change and also attend the funeral, then he will find a way......or make a way.
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I was struggling with what to say before I posted. I still am not sure what to say so ill leave it with im so sorry and you did an awesome job with your son.
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    So sorry for the horrible loss of your nephew.
    I can see by your son's age you have been going through this for a long time. Don't ever doubt yourself as a mother. We can only do what we can do.
    Prayers and hugs for this difficult time for your family.
  16. PonyGirl65

    PonyGirl65 Active Member

    Adding prayers & hugs for you Tanya.
  17. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry about your nephew, Tanya. You are right in that your sister is the one who needs support at the moment. My sister too lost a child three years ago and I know my support has helped her, even though nothing can ever take away the pain of losing a child.

    I send you a big strong hug.

    Love, Esther