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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 611122" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Kjs, I can hear what a kind and lovely soul you are..........and at the same time, pardon my directness, but you are an enabler as well...........I know because I used to be one too......</p><p></p><p>You are doing way more then your son for the birth of his child. You are putting all of your energy into him and his needs and little to no energy into you. I imagine this is a pattern you've been in for a very long time. </p><p></p><p>I am sorry you find yourself here, but you hold all the cards in changing it. Your son is 19 and about to be a dad and he is irresponsible, disrespectful, making poor choices (off medications, spending money on the cards etc) and is not taking any real responsibility for his life. You are taking it for him. His screaming at you is completely unacceptable behavior. His blaming you and saying it's always about you is typical difficult child BS, placing the emphasis off of him and onto you. You have to stop enabling him and focus on you and that will make a huge difference in your sadness and bring about your joy. You have no control over him, you are powerless to change him.</p><p></p><p>If I were in your shoes..............and I have been.............I would find a therapist who is proficient in detachment and get myself there. I would find other sources of support for myself, 12 step groups like CoDa..........perhaps NAMI would be of help, National Alliance on Mental Illness, they can assist parents in dealing with kids with disorders. You can access them online, they have chapters everywhere and offer excellent resources for parents including parent support classes. </p><p></p><p>You are isolated without any real support from others who know what you're dealing with and how you are feeling. This is hard on anyone but when you are stuck in enabling, it feels as if you don't have a choice because this is your child and you HAVE to help him, you HAVE to do whatever it takes to save your son, you HAVE to put his needs above yours and all else. But that is NOT the case at all. That is your belief. You can change that and change your life. But you will have to make the first moves because your son is comfortable and used to you giving in and giving him what he needs. He will likely fight you to keep things the way they are. </p><p></p><p>In addition to really messing up your life, enabling harms your son too, it sends him the message that he cannot do this on his own, it robs him of finding his own way and his own power to determine the course of his own life. Only he can do this. His choices lead him here so he needs to find his way through his choices and deal with the consequences of those choices. </p><p></p><p>If you find yourself support you will find a path you can take which makes sense to you. You will find your own way through the detachment process. There is no right or wrong, only what become necessary for us to find our own lives in spite of our difficult child's and their issues. You deserve a life of your own and the freedom to choose what YOU want separate from your difficult child. </p><p></p><p>This is a very difficult process, so please find yourself some support and learn the tools to detach from your son. It's necessary for you to do this for you and for HIM too. Keep posting, it helps. I wish you peace.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 611122, member: 13542"] Kjs, I can hear what a kind and lovely soul you are..........and at the same time, pardon my directness, but you are an enabler as well...........I know because I used to be one too...... You are doing way more then your son for the birth of his child. You are putting all of your energy into him and his needs and little to no energy into you. I imagine this is a pattern you've been in for a very long time. I am sorry you find yourself here, but you hold all the cards in changing it. Your son is 19 and about to be a dad and he is irresponsible, disrespectful, making poor choices (off medications, spending money on the cards etc) and is not taking any real responsibility for his life. You are taking it for him. His screaming at you is completely unacceptable behavior. His blaming you and saying it's always about you is typical difficult child BS, placing the emphasis off of him and onto you. You have to stop enabling him and focus on you and that will make a huge difference in your sadness and bring about your joy. You have no control over him, you are powerless to change him. If I were in your shoes..............and I have been.............I would find a therapist who is proficient in detachment and get myself there. I would find other sources of support for myself, 12 step groups like CoDa..........perhaps NAMI would be of help, National Alliance on Mental Illness, they can assist parents in dealing with kids with disorders. You can access them online, they have chapters everywhere and offer excellent resources for parents including parent support classes. You are isolated without any real support from others who know what you're dealing with and how you are feeling. This is hard on anyone but when you are stuck in enabling, it feels as if you don't have a choice because this is your child and you HAVE to help him, you HAVE to do whatever it takes to save your son, you HAVE to put his needs above yours and all else. But that is NOT the case at all. That is your belief. You can change that and change your life. But you will have to make the first moves because your son is comfortable and used to you giving in and giving him what he needs. He will likely fight you to keep things the way they are. In addition to really messing up your life, enabling harms your son too, it sends him the message that he cannot do this on his own, it robs him of finding his own way and his own power to determine the course of his own life. Only he can do this. His choices lead him here so he needs to find his way through his choices and deal with the consequences of those choices. If you find yourself support you will find a path you can take which makes sense to you. You will find your own way through the detachment process. There is no right or wrong, only what become necessary for us to find our own lives in spite of our difficult child's and their issues. You deserve a life of your own and the freedom to choose what YOU want separate from your difficult child. This is a very difficult process, so please find yourself some support and learn the tools to detach from your son. It's necessary for you to do this for you and for HIM too. Keep posting, it helps. I wish you peace. [/QUOTE]
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