Been a while, but I'm sure few of you will be surprised that I'm back to square one

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Wakegirl, Aug 13, 2013.

  1. Wakegirl

    Wakegirl Member

    I'm sorry it's been so long since I posted. There was a small hope that my 21 yo difficult child (soon to be a father on September 30) was on the right path. Wishful thinking on my part.

    He was trying to get in the National Guard...and the recruiter was giving him high hope, even with his police record. Well, it ended up being a no go. They won't enlist him. Sigh. But, that's his fault for the poor choices he's made.

    He has signed up with a few temporary services, and has been doing warehouse work. Of course, everybody he works with smokes marijuana, so he says. He was making decent progress with one temp job, until he told his supervisor "Today is not the day to be telling me how to do my job". :wow:
    Yep! That's my son! Holds nothing back. Not to me. Not to his superiors. Not to anybody. He was aggravated, supposedly, because everyone else was "just sitting around", and he felt he was being puicked on. WHATEVER! He has a POOR excuse for everything! Naturally, his supervisor told him to hit the road! So...off to the next temp agency. They find a job for him, and he gets to pick between the 10:00 PM - 7:00 AM shift or the 5:00 AM - 1:00 PM shift, and it's 35 minutes from the house. He is NOT a morning person, and has previously lost a job for not being able to get there on time. He chose the 5:00 AM shift, although I reminded him more than once of his inability to get up on time. He started last week. This morning, I got up at 6:00 and noticed his truck still out front. I rush upstairs and bang on his door. He opens and I'm frantic... "why aren't you at work???". His reply... "my alarm didn't go off". Me..."Have you called them to let them know you're running late?" Him..."I called twice, nobody answered'. So, I slammed the door and went downstaris. I started getting really agitated, so I went back up and asked him why he wasn't rushing to get to work. He said "I'm super tired". WHAT??? So you just don't go to work" I walked out saying "I'm super tired too, son. Super tired of your irresponsible ways". I don't know what will happen, but I imagine he may lose that job.

    As far as drugs, he has gotten away from the spice. But he's back to smoking marijuana. He was arrested AGAIN after getting busted in a park for buying weed. He's been back to court twice. They keep giving him more time to get an attorney. I AM NOT helping him with any of that! No way, no how. But if he shows up without an attorney on August 28, there's a good chance his license will be suspended. And from his nonchalant attitude about it, I think he's ok with that. No license means he can't go to work, and he gets to stay home and play video games! ARGHHHH Oh, did I mention that I had taken away his favorite video game several months ago? Guess what he did with his last paycheck? Bought the same exact game...and spent the rest on gas and weed!

    I've had to put up florescent sticky notes all over my house reminding him to turn off the oven/stove, and to lock the door when he leaves. Guess what? He STILL forgets to lock the doors. I'll come home, and the front and back door will both be unlocked.

    One last thing (If I haven't already lost your interest:), he informed me last week that everything I say to him goes in one ear and out the other. He also said he tunes me out about a minute after I start talking. That's nice to know. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!!!! I was doing SO good, but now having to learn detachment all over again. It was getting easy. But hen I look at him, and try to imagine him homeless, sleeping in a park...and my heart breaks all over again.

    Thank you SO much for listening. I'm all ears...please give me all the advice you have!
     
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Oh he SOOO needs to go find someplace else to live!

    So sorry you are having to deal with all that koi...
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He acts that way partly because you allow him. Why don't you tell him he either keeps a job and stays sober or leaves? Or you can make going into rehab a condition of his staying with you. For now, while you think about it while you detach (which is a process), refuse to pay for his cell phone, the internet, car insurance and I certainly wouldn't let him drive my car. He's high while he drives? You like your car? He probably should not live with you. He is distruptive to your happiness and that should come first. His poor choices should not be in your face, the way they are when he lives with you and you watch it and he thumbs his nose at you.

    Sorry things went down the tubes. Sadly, many of our difficult children father children. It takes no thinking to breed. Few are very good fathers.
     
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  4. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    He is definitely taking advantage of you. We've had the being too tired to go to work routine with our difficult child years ago. We told him he had to stay with a job & go to counseling or look for another place to live. He took us seriously and did both. We were lucky that something finally clicked with him and he knew he had to start changing. I hope the same happens with your difficult child.
     
  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with the others. It is time for your son to find a new place to live. He is taking advantage of you and by letting him stay there you are in effect making it possible to spend his money on drugs.

    That was a shock for me to hear when my therapist said it but I realized it was true. Believe me when I say I know how scary it is to think about your difficult child being homeless but he will only be homeless if he chooses to be. It is obvious that your difficult child can get work when he wants to. Why shouldn't he have to pay for housing, food, phone, and car expenses like the rest of us?

    Everyone comes to the point of making their difficult child leave when they are fed up and refuse to be pulled down by their difficult child's bad choices. It sounds like you are there to me. He is 21-years-old. There is no need for you to be tearing up the stairs when he oversleeps and then have to remind him that he should call in to work. If he didn't have a free roof over his head, I think he would think twice before sleeping in and losing his job.

    ~Kathy
     
  6. Scott_G

    Scott_G Member

    Reading that story makes me angry. Brings back feelings of how things were with my son at that age, in fact that story could be about my son. We tried the Army thing at 18, thought it would make a man out of him. They didn't take him because of his criminal record. He had been mouthing off to us since he was 15 and still did it as an adult. We heard the too tired to go to work thing too. He would go out and party on a weeknight and oversleep. He has no consideration for ANYBODY. The worst part was he didn't have a car so one of his coworkers was nice enough to pick him up-and he'd leave the guy waiting in our driveway. He was painting houses for work and one day he got angry at his boss and told him off and walked off the job. He told us that he didn't understand why he had to work. He thought we owed him! When we threatened to kick him out he gave us all the emotional BS: "nobody loves me", "I'm gonna kill myself", "I hope you will be happy when I'm living behind a dumpster downtown." You know what? He didn't kill himself, and he never ended up homeless. He's a charming guy and always found someone to take him in. We took him in TWICE as an adult, and within a few months, put him out both times, and he never ended up homeless. He's 31 now and still screwing up, but he will live in my home over my dead body.

    Your son is an adult. Trust me, if you don't detach now, your son will NEVER grow up and be a man. Well he may not do that anyway, but he has to be allowed to live his own life, and if that means he fails, well so be it.
     
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  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wakegirl, welcome back but I'm so sorry you have to be here. I agree with the others and I'm angry for you. Your story sounds all too familiar and many of us have gone through what you are until we finally had to give our loved one an ultimatum to either get help or get out. I wish all those people who claim pot never hurt anyone could listen to our stories. It may begin with pot but it doesn't end there.

    It's time he moves out and makes it on his own.
     
  8. Wakegirl

    Wakegirl Member

    Thank you all for your insight. I was in a seminar all day and just had time to sit down to read them. I'm so glad I came back to this site. It gives me strength, and a backbone, so to speak, to do what's in my best interest as well as his. And, as much as I hate that any of us have difficult child's, it's nice to not have to walk through this alone.

    It's late, and I had actually written a longer post, and somehow lost it (I'm on my cell). I'll continue more tomorrow. Thanks again for the advice and being such great cheerleaders/supporters!
     
  9. Scott_G

    Scott_G Member

    Lately I have been spending time thinking about my life growing up and my sons life. I'm convinced that it's not just the drugs and/or alcohol. A lot of kids experiment with those things and they don't end up stealing cars and getting kicked out of school. Maybe intoxicants trigger something in some people, I don't know. I was no angel growing up but I always had a healthy fear of what my parents would do if I got caught doing something wrong. When I was little I got the belt across the backside on a few occassions. When I was a teen I mostly kept the pot smoking and drinking to a minimum because if I ever got caught, I feared my father would beat me so hard I would end up in the hospital. I knew right from wrong. I knew I had to go to school and work hard so that I could make something of myself some day. I thought we raised our kid with the same values.

    When my son turned 14 he turned into a monster despite what my wife and I thought was a good upbringing during his childhood. He started hanging around with losers and drinking and doing drugs. We knew he smoked pot because he bragged about it to us. That blew my mind. I suspected it wasn't just pot he was on though, but he denied doing harder drugs and we were never able to actually prove it. But that's my boy, the only truths you get out of him are half-truths. Saying he was defiant is an understatement. Us, other relatives, teachers, cops, didn't matter, all authority figures were a joke to him. How do you punish your child when they simply laugh at you? He didn't even fear arrest because his little punk friends told him that the juvenile system was a joke. He thought he was all gangster for a white kid. He dressed the part, baggy pants and all you know. He even spray painted graffiti all over his bedroom wall. Got picked up by the cops for tagging too. Didn't matter, it was all just a joke to him. He stole from us and lied to our faces when questioned about it. From 14 to 17 was three years of sheer hell. We only got a break until his 18th because he was locked up for car theft at 17. To this day I just can't fathom what makes a good kid go horribly wrong.
     
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Scott, I don't want to hi-jack Wakegirl's post, however your words really impacted me. I can hear the pain, anger, frustration and sorrow in them.........and God, I so know how you feel, I guess many if not most of us do. For us parents this is a hell none of us know how to navigate through. All OUR hopes wrapped up in our children are dashed...........any recognition of what WE consider to be "normal" or healthy behavior........doesn't exist............whether it's drugs or mental illness, 'it' takes our kids away and leaves us devastated......I'm so sorry.

    In addition to the pain and loss, in order to get on with our lives, we must learn how to detach from our kids, from our dreams for them, their futures, a relationship with them, all of it.............and that is a whole other journey. To eventually land in acceptance.......for me that was the key. To stop asking why, to stop being guilty, to stop feeling resentment, to stop being scared all the time about what MIGHT happen...........it's the hardest thing I've ever done...........but, I've done it and so can you........your son is in his thirties, my daughter is 40.........they have chosen the lives they are living and we are powerless to alter that fact.............Scott, go find peace of mind, life is not meant to be lived the way we live when we are embroiled in our adult kids dramas. Get whatever help you have to to get out of the hamster wheel and enjoy your days and moments.......you've given up too many already.........hugs.........
     
  11. Mechdonna2

    Mechdonna2 Mechdonna2

    Scott,

    I understand exactly how you feel. My son exhibited very similar behavior at the same age. He is now 36 years old and he is in no better shape. Actually, he is in worse shape, both physically and mentally. He was ADHD, and I see that many difficult children have that problem.

    I am wondering if beginning to drink when a person is very young has something to do with the problem. Their brains were not fully developed at that time at the age of 14.
     
  12. Addictsmom

    Addictsmom New Member

    I come and read here a lot, but don't post as much as I did at the beginning. My difficult child is 52 yo and all the posts I read from younger moms/dads could have been written by me when he was a teenager. What a horrible thing for parents to have to go through.....it's not how we imagined parenting our babies, is it? But reality is what it is. When I feel myself having a weak or painful moment, I think of what I've learned.....I didn't cause it and I can't cure it. I have the right to peace and happiness. My son is still drinking and in poor health because of his abuse of his body. All those healthy foods, vitamins and love I gave him when he was a little boy....you'd never know it by looking at him. Does it hurt? Of course, but there's not a thing I can do to change him. I can take care of myself and will not let him manipulate and use me. Hugs to all of you.
     
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