been banned from walmart!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by DammitJanet, Sep 23, 2008.

  1. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

    Dear Mrs. Bonner:

    Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a ommotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
    both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Bonner are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

    1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2 . July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

    6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

    9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

    14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
    And last, but not least.

    15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'


    Tom Richards
    Wal-Mart Manager
  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Sounds like MY husband these days!
  3. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member


    I loved this!

  4. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I used to think this was funny until my then-16 YO read the dang thing somewhere and decided she needed to try some of them the next time I took her shopping. Yes, she really did!

    In the local grocery store, she merrily added cat and dog food to every cart she could (condoms weren't easily accessible and too embarassing anyway), left a trail of ketchup "blood" to the bathroom, set all the timers in the kitchenware to go off. It was at that point the store manager brought my darling daughter to me and told me to control her or he would (through VERY clenched teeth). She did NOT enjoy sweeping the front of the store for the next week.

    Thanks for the memories, though. Now, it's almost funny.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911

    ADMITS TO DOING #13..............

  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well I have to admit to being in the local Walmart with Tony while he was window shopping for rifles. He was drooling over this rather nice gun and the clerk got it out for him to look at. About that time I looked up at him and said in my most innocent voice...Honey, do you think my prescriptions are ready yet for all my anti-depressants and anti-psychotics? You know how those voices in my head get when I start running out.

    You should have seen the clerks face! He couldnt get the gun back in the case fast enough...lmao.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    LOL Janet! (Both for the Walmart joke and your own!)
    Reminds me of a very old joke ... someone here will have to flesh it out, because I'm not good at jokes, but it has something to do with-a husband and wife who go to Walmart and she bends over and he can't stand it and "takes" her from behind right there in the aisle ... the punchline is, "Well, honey, I guess we're not welcome at Walmart anymore."
    (And I won't be welcome on this bb if I can't learn to tell jokes any better than that!)

    Good one,
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

    Thanks Janet. I really needed that after a very very long day at school. :D
  10. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    That was priceless. I'm printing.

  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well, difficult child has done a couple of those things and I've done one.

    When I read the title of this thread, I really thought YOU had been banned from Walmart! But I agree, this is priceless!
  12. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    :rofl: These are great.

    I just always wonder why any woman would take a man shopping? Oh, wait, I know, for him to carry packages (can tell how long a guy has been at the mall by the number of packages at his feet - free storage area) and buy lunch or supper! Food! Otherwise, they are much handier at home watching the kids with no time limit. "When will you be home?" "I don't know! When does the last store close?" Gotta love those 24 hr stores (like Walmart).
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Terry, here is the joke you were trying to remember:

    A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'
    The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

    When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
    'You are back so soon... Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired.

    'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,' the young man replied sadly.

    The pastor asked him what happened.

    'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts. One afternoon my wife reached for a tin of beans and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

    The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

    'We know,' said the young man, hanging his head. 'We're not welcome at Walmart any more either.'
  14. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, Marg! I needed a chuckle this morning!!

    Now, have you ever been to the corner? LOL!
  15. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    THANKS Janet!!! ROFLMAO:rofl: And Marg, thank you too!!!:rofl: WFEN
  16. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    OK. I'm back in my corner now. Move over, Star...

    But husband has to be in the corner too, he sent the joke to me.

  17. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    OMG Marg too funny! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
  18. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Ok. The corners are getting full. I'm bringing in my 3 parrots to scare you guys off.

  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    THAT'S IT!!!!
    Thank you!
    Boy, did I leave a lot out!!!!
  20. Marg's Man

    Marg's Man Member

    I'll see your 3 parrots and raise by two budgies, about 300 rainbow lorikeets and a dozen sulphur crested cockatoos.

    D**N This corner's getting R-E-A-L crowded